i've moved on..

kay roy..

he used to send me cds

write me in cute cards

sing to me

while strumming his guitar.

sabi nya gusto daw ako ma-meet ni melani..

i would love to meet her someday too..

nakkwento daw nya kse ko sa kanya..

did he really meant it

when he said he would tell stories of me to his son..

i wonder..

i could only smile at those memories.

i loved him.

and at a time, he loved me too.

`.

'

i've moved on..

kay myk..

he held me like i was only his

sabi nya i was the best,

but he said he can't be the best for me.

nang hindi ko man lang namalayan..

hindi nya nako mahal.

bigla na lang..

parang isang laro na umayaw sa usapan.

but after all was said,

he was my koi..

i loved him.

and at a time, i know he loved me too.

`.

,

i've moved on

and here you are.

you never fail to bring a smile upon my face

you make me feel that im worth it.

sana ikaw na ang huli..

.'

`

So it's not gonna be easy.

It's gonna be really hard.

But we're gonna have to work this evryday,

but I wanna do that because I want you.

I want ALL of you.

Forever.

You and me everyday.

`.

'

.

Nobody knows just why we're here

could it be fate or random circumstance

at the right place

at the right time

two roads intertwine

`.

and if the universe conspired

to meld our lives

to make us fuel and fire

then know wherever you will be

so too shall i be

`.

close your eyes

dry your tears

coz when nothing seems clear

you'll be safe here

from the sheer weight of your doubts and fears

weary heart

you'll be safe here

`.

remember how we laughed until we cried

at the most stupid things

like we were so high

but love was all that we were on

we belong

`.

and though the world would never understand

this unlikely union and why it still stands

someday we will be set free

pray and believe

`.

when the light disappears

and when this world's insincere

you'll be safe here

when nobody hears you scream

i'll scream with you

you'll be safe here

`.

save your eyes from your tears

when everything's unclear

you'll be safe here

from the sheer weight of your doubts and fears

wounded heart

`.

in my arms

through the long cold night

sleep tight

you'll be safe here

when no one understands

i'll believe

you'll be safe

you'll be safe

you'll be safe here

`.

put your heart in my hands

you'll be safe here

+++

got to visit this site from carla's blog. wla lang, i was so pissed off kse nagpunta ako sa schl, nang wlang kapararakan. tom nlang pla yung meeting. *sigh* kaya eto, comp lab sa goks. oh well, its a good thing, there's always free slots here.

You Are the Girl Next Door! You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry.Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love.But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it!You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

1.FIRST name: olivia
2.FIRST letter ng crush mo: hehehehe... sikreto
3. FIRST thing na ginawa mo ng magising ka: tumingin sa cellphone
4. FIRST thing na inisip mo ng magising ka: i have to call someone.
5. FIRST na tao na inisip mo [paggising]: hehehe.. yung sikreto ko.
6. FIRST na sinabi mo ng magising ka: shit, 5 na.
7. FIRST [song] na narinig mo ng magising ka: once in a lifetime by freestyle
8. FIRST na hinawakan mo ng magising ka: cellphone
9. FIRST school na pinasukan mo: san bartolome nursery
10. FIRST crush mo: emmanuel. haha, wlang maingay!
11. ilang taon ka nang magkaroon ng FIRSTcrush: cant remember.. tandaan daw ba.
12. FIRST love mo: uhm... dont know..
13. FIRST thing na tinitingnan mo sa guy/girL: eyes..
14. FIRST thing na hinahanap mo sa guy/girL: sincerity
15. FIRST thing na nagustuhan mo sa crush mo: being real.
16. FIRST thing na nakakaturn-off para sayo sa guy/girL: sinungaling, laitero.
17. FIRST thing na gusto mo sa isang tao: mabait
18. FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa isang tao: masama (hehe malamang)
19. FIRST thing na gusto mo sa sarili mo: pagiging good friend
20. FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa sarili mo: pasmado.. grrrrrr...
LAST
1.the last movie you watched?: butterfly effect. asshteeg. one of the best movies i've ever seen.
2. the last tv show you watched?: myx cguro..
3. the last song you heard?: dragonfly by spongecola
4. the last thing you bought?: hehe. e-load.. para may pang-text ako.
5. the last perfume you bought?: fake cool water for men na inarbor na ng kuya ko.
6. the last food you ate?: tuyo and egg, and sinangang.
7. last thing you wore?: shorts and shirt.
8. last thought on your head?: gusto ko sya makita..
9. last time you went out?: u mean gimmick.. cant remember. pero ang alam ko na last yung kasama ko cna almira and donna.
10. last time you talked to your crush?: hehe.. this morning.
11. last time you talked to your ex?: eon years ago..
12. last time you kissed?: kissed my dad and mom goodnight lastnyt.

.
all i want for christmas is my two front teeth
my two front teeth
my two front teeth
+++

14 days to go, and it'l be christmas.
i love christmas. at kahit ano pa ang sabihin ni jerry.
de best pa rin ang pasko. hehe
pakialam ko kung magastos.
pakialam ko kung nkaka-stress.
don't care, any other day can be stressful anyway.

pag pasko, everyhting seems to be okay..
kahit malungkot.. sumasaya..
it will be a sin to be sad on christmas.
kaya mapipilitan ka tlga.
pag pasko, its contagious to be happy.
besides there's no better gift than seeing the people you love happy.
kaya:

ke me pera man o wala.
love life or none.
ma-stress man ang lahat ng nerves ko sa katawan.
heck,
itaga mo sa bato, magiging masaya pa rin ako.

nainggit ako kay carla, so i figured, id put my christmas lists.
i'd get 'em all someday.
(even if it means getting them myself) hehe

1. more happy memories. (to make, to remember, to cherish, to live for)
2. money.. hehe. d ako mukhang pera, mas masaya lng cguro kung makkakabili ako ng mga gusto ko ng hndi nanghihinayang sa presyo. at saka, pag may money na ko, mabibilan ko ng ng mgagandang gifts yung mga taong mahal ko.
3. i-pod. arrrgghh.. gusto ko.. gusto ko.. gusto ko.. pero kung wala, cge discman nlng.
4. digicam. i just want to capture moments. in that way, mas madaling balikan ang mga bagay-bagay. frustrated photograper dn pla..
5. ukay-ukay treasures!! yey! i know, i know, i know. they're cheap. la akong paki anganda eh!
6. movie tickets. gusto kong manood ng manood ng amnood ng manood ng manood ng movie. kahit ano.
7. laptop. hahahaha. ewan ko basta gusto ko na ng laptop.
8. wheels. hehe. yung may kasama ng makina ha. (i know its asking too much, but hey, a girl's got to dream)
9. just someone i could talk to and say goodnight to. (besides platonic friends) haha. you get what i mean.
10. gifts i could give to my family and friends. (ones they would actually like)
11. peace of mind.
12. world peace. (hehe, in my miss universe tone.)
13. ang paglago ng ekonomiya ng pilipinas.
14. ticket sa concert ni usher sa january. (syempre dapat may kasama!)
15. cds (session road, kitchie nadal, sugarfree, six cycle mind, mojofly, and hehe ung sweet album ni nelly)
16 extension ng phone sa room. i need it baaaaaaaadly. pag nagkataon, sa kawrto na ako titira.
17. a yorkshire terrier. cute eh.. :)
18. pillow. kse inagaw ni tita ung pillow ko.
19. pampa-rebond.
20. gamot pampatanggal ng pasmado. (plsssss.. Lord!)
21. unlimited access sa net.
22. patience sa masusungit kong kuya at ate.
23. smile for OJ, and a roomful (and more) of love.
24. anti-paranoia, worry-free life, and more years of friendship for best bud ava. (ava, peace tayo. hehe)
25. anti-stress for tina, and a whole lot of bottles of beer to chug.
26. anti-guilt, peace of mind for my dear mira.
27. a great job that donsky would love and be really happy for.
28. happy memories and fulfilling life for kel
29. less worries, less stress, more cuddles, more laughter, for my 'ol partner jani.
30. more time to spend with dandan.
31. haaaay.. more nice conversations with my really really nice friend ivy. and ah, sana, payagan na syang gumimick parati. :)
32. contentment for medz. (miss her so much)
33. marian's happiness, and time rin..
34. courage for aie, and more happy memories.
35. happiness for koi, hope he finds the one true love he deserves.
36. a cute and ncie boyfriend, and contentment for my ate.
37. sana maging friends na c kaye and yung crush nya.
38. for my kuya to have a happy family (less temper, i hope).
39. more harmonious and loving marriage for my parents and ah.. good sex. (hehe, wish ko tlga yun)
40. a future husband for my tita. pero kung wala.. basta sana makasama ko parati sya.
41. food for evrybody sa noche buena. and toys para sa mga little kids.
41. more christmas to celebrate. kaya sana mahaba pa buhay ko.

***
can't wait.

i hate lamok!
i hate lamok!
i hate lamok!

tumawag c marko kgabi.

basta dati pa to..

before pa nung taong last na minahal ko.

bakit daw hndi ko hinanap yung nawala

bakit daw ako nag-settle nlang kung ano ung meron

bakit daw kse hindi sya ang pinili ko.

.

bakit nga ba,
ayoko na ng mga tanong na bakit
kse sa tooo lang
wla nmang katapusan yan.

lahat ng tanong na bakit, may kasunod pa ulit na isa pang bakit.

a friend once told me, isa lng daw dpat isagot jan..

"because i chose to."

.

bakit ko sya pinili?

dahil sya ang pinili ko.

and i had no regrets.

.

****

.

if it makes you happy

it can't be that bad

if it makes you happy

then why the hell are you so sad.

+++

.

gusto ko sanang magtagal sa iyong tabi

sulitin bago ka umalis

nagdadalawang isip pa akong habulin ka

pero para saan at ano pa.

+++

*

***

*

kabado sobra nung wednesday.

defense proposal.

we thought it was the end of us.

kung pwede lang lamunin na kami ng lupa

nagpalamon na kami ni jani.

but then again,

totoo na 90% of what u worry about

is not goin to happen.

*

***

*

ang hirap tlgang mawalan ng minamahal.

mas okay na yung niloko ka

yung pinagpalit ka sa iba..

yung hndi ka na mahal..

yung umalis nalang bigla..

kaysa yung alam mong

mahal ka..

mahal mo..

tapos

kukunin nalang sayo.

kung pwede lang mkihati sa sakit na dala nya

i wanted to say something na mkkpagpagaan ng bigat na nraramdaman nya

pero alam ko

nothing can suffice the pain of losing someone u love.

kahit anong sabihin ko..

it won't be enough.

dahil masakit mawalan.

~~~

but i just want you to know

you will never be alone on this.

andito lang ako, if u need someone.

*

***

*

chani:

minumulto ng nkaraan.

hehe.

arrrrggh.

this days tops my most stressful day ever.
nagpass ng first draft sa thesis.
yung mentor namin, sinusuka na kami.
siyeters.
ano ba, we're not that bad.
we're trying our best.

ngayon nga lang ako napupuyat ng ganito.
sobrang laki na todohan ang eyebags ko.
hindi na nakakatuwa.
pero kaya to..
hindi ako magpapatalo.
hindi ako magpapa-apekto.


pahinga.
kailangan ko ng pahinga..
un lang
konting pahinga lang.

and id be okay.

***
mind over matter
mind over matter
mind over matter

How is life on the other side
how is it like to be without the
usual
typical
illusional
difficult
me
How is life on the other side
I'm not even sure if I still remember how you
did you change at all
did you cut your hair
are you still in touch with that
old perfume you used to wear
life the usual
typical
illusional
difficult
you just you
speak to me
I don't know what to expect
speak to me
alone and out of breath
speak to me
I don't have anything left
speak to me
oh speak to me
I wish I could tell you how I've been
I wish I could tell you everything
everything
do you even know what you're fighting for
coz I cant remember
I cant see it anymore
Pretending Im fine
Im happy can't you see
who gives a fuck about HTML
Im lying through my teeth
why won't we
comeback
why wont we
comeback
-A tear
spongecola

+++

for the nth time,
i can't keep myself from doing another blog entry about him.
maybe because, he's been creepin on my mind since.
i said, happily to ava, that i'm gettin by.
i'm finally forgetting.
or so i thought.
and for how many times have i heard myself saying this,
"i'm moving on."
well, i am.
I AM.
its just.. hard.

i know there's nothing left to hold on to.
i know it's over, we're over.
i know now where to stand.
siya na mismo ang may sabi, hindi nya nako mahal.
i know that i'm not the one for him.
i know that i can't ever compare
to those that really had changed his life.
i know i am just someone in his past.
and will remain as that.
i know too much, it kills me.

if there's more..
the memory of him still lingers.
and i am doing my all,
just to push him away from everything that is me.

i'm laughing.
greatful for what i have.
happy? yes i am.
pero kulang..
hndi ko alam kung bakit
pero kulang..
and i don't want to feel incomplete.
i can alreasy hear myself saying
"you're complete.
and you don't need anybody para ma-feel yun.
ano ka ba?"
kulang lang cguro yung saya
kulang lang cguro, dahil na-mimiss ko sya..

what hurts the most is when finally you realized
you we're just someone.
just someone.
that while he still occupies what seems to be the biggest part of you,
you, on the other hand, is just another page of his life.
masayang basahin, masarap balikan,
pero hanggang dun nalang.

i have the tendency to repeat myself.
repeat. repeat. repeat.
have mercy on me.

****
pasensya na sa mkakabasa. pauli-ulit na ba. blogs are supposed to be your outlet. kailangan lang mailabas.

hide me now under your wings.
cover me with your mighty hands.
when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with you above the storm.

Father you are king over the flood
I will be still,
know you are God.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know his power
in quiteness and trust.

+++

"since when, did everything get so complicated?"

i suddenly thought of the things that really mattered to me.

family.
they are the ones who will always be around. kahit mag-asawa ka pa, at makahanap ng sangkaterbang barkada, ang pamilya pa rin ang uuwian mo sa gabi. at kahit gaano ka kasama, kahit gaano ka kabulok, kahit na gaano ang pagka-alingasaw ng lahat ng kapangitan mo, matatanggap ka nila. Hindi na magbabago yun, kadugo ka. kakabit sila sa lahat ng pag-angat at pagbagsak mo.

friends.
sila ang absorber ng lahat ng kalokohan mo. ang takbuhan. ang taga-payo. ang taga batok, kapag napapriwara ka na naman. sila ang cheer-upper. at sila rin ang kaunting mga tao na nagpaparamdam sa iyo, na mahalaga at kailangan ka nila. it feels great to need and to be needed. a reason maybe it feels that you are "being", and that you are of some use in this quite-oh-so-confusing-world. i usually view the world positively. that evrythin happens cause you will learn something from it, and all those blah-blah's. But like any others, there moments wherein you see the world as crap creeps in. And friends, well they're the ones who pull you back to the wonderful side of the world. Sila, sa maraming pagkakataon, ang rason ng kasiyahan mo. at sa mga bilang na sitwasyon, sila rin ang rason ng kalungkutan mo. Ayaw mong nasasaktan sila, dahil ayaw mong nadedehado ang ni isa man sa kanila, marahil na rin cguro dahil kaisa ka sa lahat ng nararamdaman nila. Mahirap mawalan ng kaibigan.

studies.
importante sa akin, dahil ayokong mapahiya sa mga magulang ko. ayokong ma-disapoint sila. ayokong mapunta lang sa wala ang lahat ng pinag-papaguran nila. importante kse may mga panahon na hndi lang ako ang nka-depende sa grades na tumutumbas sa mga gnagawa ko. importante sa kin, dahil dto nakasalalay ang maaring pag-unlad o pagbagsak ko. nakadepende ang magiging kabuhayan ko sa dalawang numero at tuldok na isasaad sa course card kada magtatapos ang isang term. i can't afford to fail another class. magastos. nakakahiya na. nakakaloko ka na. bka gusto mong ipatapon ka na sa kung saan man na ewan ko, basta siguradong hindi masaya.

love. romantic love.
Importante nga ba to? Ewan ko.. Ewan ko na naman. Minsan naisip ko, minsan, na lagi, na minsan.. na ewan! Naiisip ko, eh puro sakit lang naman ang napapala ko. pero syempre i-ccontradict ko na nman ang sarili ko at sasabihing, masaya rin naman. MASAYA AT MASARAP. Importante, dahil nakakaramdam ako ng ibang feeling maliban sa walang malisyang pakikipag-tawanan, kwentuhan, pag-aalalala, at pag-aalaga sa mga kaibigan. IBA. Kakaiba yung feeling. para kang high, NKA-TAKE. ADIK. pero dito, hndi ilegal. at hndi kailangan ng pera. 'Yun nga lang marami ka rin ma-iinvest. pero okay lang, in some ways importante pa rin.

health.
cguro paminsan. OO, importante. mahirap mamatay. hndi lang mahirap. AYOKO PA TALAGA. kaya nga li-low tlga ko sa pag-iisoy. nakakatakot, bka mabuhay ang mga cancer cells ko. marami pa kong gustong gawin, gustong maramdaman. gustong maranasan.

relasyon kay God.
importante, pero hndi ko napag-tutuunan ng pansin. importante dahil kung wala nito, cgurado, i will be nothing but a lost soul. Lost, dahil ano pang halaga kung wala ka rin namang kinikilalang Dyos. Ang yabang naman kung iisipin mong lahat ng bagay ay ayon lamang sa tao, at random na pag-swerve ng atoms sa mundo. Ang yabang nman kung hindi man lang matutong magpasalamat, at magsisi sa mga kalokohang intensyon at hndi intensyon na ginagawa mo. Cguro nga kaya ako Lost. Lost, dahil hindi ko makuhang bigyan ng panahon ang daan patungo sa tunay na kasiyahan.

me
to make myself better.
to reach my potentials.
basta gusto ko yun. importante din yun. Importante dahil i can only share what i have. and if i have nothing, de wla pla akong maitutulong sa iba.

***
haaay pagod na akong maging Lost.
ayoko na rin ng mga awkward moments.
ayoko nang mag-isip ng mga bagay na wala rin namang kahahantungan.
ayoko nang mag-break ng promises, sa mga taong mahal ko, at sa sarili ko.
gusto kong maibalik yung dati.

ayoko ng sayangin ang mga oras.

ang mga samahan.

ang mga importanteng bagay na noon pa ay dapat binigyan ko na ng halaga.

sad...

may mga pangyayari tlga na bigla nalang.

at itatanong mo nlang kung

bakit,
paano,

naging ganoon ang mga bagay bagay..

sana kaya kong ibalik yung dati.

it's so refreshing seeing you again. it filled all the empty spaces that we never get to satisfy. since you were always there, and i was always here. but as always, you never fail to brighten up even the loneliest of days, the ridges of our life still fits with each other. ang galing-galing mong kaibigan, coz you're one of those few that lasts. salamat sa presence mo. salamat at sa mahabang panahon, ay nandyan ka pa rin. salamat at walang nagbago.. ikaw pa rin yung dating nakilala ko.

everything seems to be screaming of him.

parang lahat nalang ng kwento sa peyups, yun ang pangalan.
the resto.. of all names, why does it have to be "it"
sa tv
sa radyo..
the guy sa mall..
the guy sa tabi ko..
nkatalikod.
side-view.

shit, tama na ola.
pwede ba.

pakitingin nga ulit..
Koi, ba tlga yung name ng restaurant na yun?

argh..
hallucinations ba to..

***

"imposible na par.." (ava on the left receiver)
"imposible na ola.." (jayson on the right receiver)

sabay pa kayong nagsalita sa telepono..
left and right, pareho ang sinabi nyo.
bka meron pang gustong sumigaw jan..

imposible na ba tlga?
bka naman kse may paraan pa..
paano magging imposible ang minsan nang naging posible..
oo na.. oo na..
pasaway na..
alam ko, pasaway ako..
pero ang hirap lang tlga.

suot ko ung necklace.. partner nung bracelet na binigay ko sa kanya.
alam ko.. alam ko..
im still holding on sa kung ano man ang natitira.
ang hirap tanggapin, at ang sakit-sakit
nung nalaman ko na sinabi nya kay ava
na wla na..
hindi na daw namin maayos to.

bakit...
... .... ....
.....
.. .
bakit hindi na.....

and you said i was the best..
pero bakit ang hirap hirap paniwalaan..

***

"if he really loves you he won't let you go.."
ouch, ang sakit nun ah.

hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin malinaw sa akin ang dahilan
hanggang ngayon, oo inaamin ko..
gago pa rin akong umaasa.
iniisip.
nagbabakasakali.
baka lang.
bumalik sya.

alam ko isang araw, matututunan ko ring tanggapin ang lahat.
islow nga pla ako..
dahan-dahan lang.
ganun tlga..
hindi ko kaya ng biglaan.

[.] [.]
c
---

minsan iniisip ko pa rin kung kamusta na siya. kumakain ba sya on-time.. napupuyat ba sya palagi.. may dala kaya syang payong.. pagod kaya sya.. naipasok nya na ba yung scooter sa loob. anong time kaya sya matutulog.. anong time kaya siya gigising.. kamusta kaya yung test.. anong pinapanood nya sa tv.. naasar ba sya.. naainis.. naguguluhan.. o natatawa.

sana maganda ang gising nya.. sana hindi sya late.. sana wala syang singaw.. sana busog sya.. sana hindi masakit ang muscles nya.. sana may dala syang payong.. sana nka-helmet sya.. sana hindi sya nasiko sa game.. sana nanalo sila.. sana masaya syang tumatawa.. sana mahimbing ang tulog nya..

yun lang.. malaman ko lang na okay sya.. sapat na sa akin para malamang okay narin ako.

letters fromt he crypt:

jani,
kamusta na ba??
parang wla na akong balita sayo..
kwento, kwento, kwento.
miss ko na yun sayo.
pasensya na.. ang tamad ko ba?
promise.. papasok na ako.
bat nga pla hindi ka pumasok kanina?

kel,
sorry rin. jan ka pla sa miguel kanina.
nka-silent kse phone ko.
sayang mukhang di na naman kta makikita.
ang lungkot.
isa ka pa nman sa nagpapasaya ng araw ko.

almira,
buti naman at hindi ka nagalusan.
iniimagine ko lang yung ngyari sa inyo.
naawa nako sayo..
hehe. pero sorry, natatawa din ako.
ang cute mo cguro nun..
i just wish i was there to comfort you my friend.

tina,
salamat sa mga forwarded e-mails.
na-depress ako lalo!
hehe. loko lang..
miss na kta, teens.
isang araw magkikita tayo,
ay iiinom natin ang pait ng buhay.
siyet ang seksi ng kasama ko!

ivy,
i wanna see you. i wanna see you.

dan,
wala kang pasok dba?
yess!
punta ko sa inyo, kwentuhan tayo.

marian,
ang hirap tlga pag busy..
miss na kta..
pasensya na rin kung hindi na ako masyadong masayang kausap.
ill make it up to you, i promise.
galingan mo sa OJT.

aie,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang.
ganyan ba tlga pag in-love??
text me whenever.
its good being with you again.

ava,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang
ganyan ba tlga pag in love??
hehe.
sobrang saya ko para sayo.
kabatak, pare, tsong, va
pasensya na sa sakit ng ulo
ansarap kseng maging pasaway.
see you later.

jayson,
wag mo na akong sermonan.
to you who do it best..
salamat.

will,
mag-ingat.
pigil-pigilan.

mac,
kaya mo yan.

roy,
ang cute ng baby mo..
i don't think you should tell him stories of me.
im glad ur finally happy.

koi,
syempre ikaw ang huli.
wla lang..
alam mo na rin cguro ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.
i drew an outline of attack
and my plan was to win you back.
i guess, it would take some time before i realize
that i already lost.

All I Want is You
U2

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold.
All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

You say you'll give me a highway with no-one on it
Treasure, just to look upon it
All the riches in the night.
You say you'll give me eyes in the moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest.
All the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
When all I need is you.

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night.
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.
+++

.
***
there's nothing wrong with wanting.
its when you're expecting that makes all the difference.

in case
hindi mo pa rin alam..
in case
hindi ka pa sawang marinig..
just in case
hindi ko na masabi ulit..

gusto kong malaman mo.
that i still love you.

"You give me peace, in a lifetime of war."
-achilles (TROY)


***
may kinuwento sakin yung tita ko
may kasamahan daw sya sa church
they were getting married..
the date is set.
and proper preparations were just being approved.

until he got sick.
and have to be rushed in the hospital.
they say there has been a complication in the brain.
hindi alam kung paano nangyari at saan nanggaling.

bigla nalang..
ganon na.
comatose.

everyday, she was by his side.
she never left him once.
hoping that in a heartbeat,
he'll open his beautiful eyes, and smile at her..
like the way he used to.

yesterday, my tita told me.
he passed away.
sabi ng doctors wag na daw patagalin, masasayang lang daw ang pera nila sa kakabayad sa mga aparato na nakakabit sa kanya..
wala na daw tlgang magagawa.

she didn't want to let go.
they were supposed to get married
and be together.
she didn't want to say goodbye..
but she have to.



***
mgpapa-pedicure dpat ako kna ava..
akala ko may party na nman sa kapit-bahay nila.

"patay na.."
"ha??! di nga??!"
"oo.."
"magpapapedicure pa nman dpat ako sa kanya..."

she was so alive when i last saw her..
i paid her 40 bucks..
and now she's lying there in a box.

"bat namatay??"
"sabi ni aling carms, uminom daw ng tubig.."

uminom ng tubig..
marami daw kseng sakit yun.
mostly sa tyan.
hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal ang tubig, pero basta a single sip of it would kill her.

pasaway.
she drank water, and now she's dead.



***
its scary how your heart could stop from beating
and just die.
frightening, to not be ready for what is to happen.
when you still haven't done the things you want and longed to do.
when there's still words left unsaid.
actions left undone.

things you haven't really taught about much,
but means a whole lot.

when you thought, you're just about to start your life..
when finally, you realize how beautiful life is..
when at last, you have something to live for..

here comes death.
looking you straight in the eye.

at the last beat of your heart..
at the last breath you take..
at the last touch you feel..
and after (what they call) "the last 6 seconds of brain activity"
after everything else has shut down..

it is then that one realizes, it's too late.

i want to start now.
start living now.

start saying what should be said.
eh ano.. kung nakakahiya.. kung nagmumukhang tanga..
kung corny.. kung may pagka-jolog..
at least nasabi mo..
and you've done your part.

start doing what should be done.
mahilig akong ipagpabukas ang lahat..
"bukas nalang.. marami pang oras."
ngayon hindi nako sigurado..
paano kung wala na..
hindi lahat ng bagay magagawa at matatapos ko sa isang araw..
o sa iilang oras..

there are so many things that im not ready for.
pero sana bago man ako kunin ni Lord
alam ko na nagawa ko na ang mga dapat kong gawin.
then maybe dying wouldn't be so sad anymore..

last night tops my list of happiest moments.
it was one of the happiest ~hours~ of my life.
i could stay awake till morning.

if only i could say it out loud..
....
then my night would have been complete.

wla naman akong ineexpect na kahit ano.
hearing him again was enough.

i slept with a stupid grin stuck on my face.
what can i say..
i can't lie to myself..
i still love him.

he look a lot like his baby.

eyes..
nose..
lips..

miguel could be the baby roy of 1970's

i miss him.
i re-read his letters.

i hope he's happy.
well, i know he is.

***
i lost it.
again.

***

i lied when i told him, that i wear everyday the bracelet that we both have.
i lied, because i lost it one day..
the day before he told me that it's over between us.

naisip ko.. sign ba yun?

i didn't want it to end.
i didn't want to accept the fact that i've
l
o
s
t
him.
so i tried.
i thought maybe..
he can love me again.
like he
u
s
e
d
to.

i bought another bracelet, just like the one i've lost.

it became my torch of love for him.
as long as it's there.
i know we'd still be intertwined.

***
i called him up on his cellphone.
God knows how many times i did.
but he didn't answer.
maybe he was asleep. antukin yon eh..

i went back to our drinking session.
jerry's funny.
jake's easy in the eyes.
gerard, well he's charming.
here's three guys in my vision, and i still can't get him out of my system.
great.
"tapey."

***
on the way home.
i was looking through the window..
it was peaceful and calm.
the air con was too cold for me
so i reached out to change it's direction.

shit.
the bracelet..
i've lost it again.

***
sign ba 'to?
Lord, just tell me, sign ba 'to?
is this your way of telling me na hindi na tlga dapat..
na kailangan ko nang gumive-up.
is this a sign that says..
I've lost him.
i've lost him long before i lost the bracelet a second time.

i knew the answer..
dati pa.
ayoko lang tanggapin.

***
"tapey."

iba tlga kapag kasama mo ang matatalik mong kaibigan.
naks, ang lalim nun. haha

ang saya sa sagada.
kahit tatlo lang kami, okay pa rin

masaya.

simula umpisa
hanggang sa huli

masaya.

ang sarap ng pakiramdam
na may mga tao kang makakasama sa mga panahong kailangan mo.
nalaman ko din
na hindi porke't malungkot ka
e hindi ka na pwedeng maging masaya.
at hindi porke't may nawala sayo
ay wla nang natira sayo.

pwedeng maging masaya.
sobra pa nga.
at maraming natira.
higit pa.

minsan yung mga bagay na dapat nating pahalagahan
yun pa yung nababalewala.

kaya ako, ayoko nang maging malungkot.
mayasa ako.
dahil may mga kaibigan ako
na kasama kong tumatawa.
(at magpigil ng tawa)
na kasama kong kumain.
(at magtipid)
na ksama kong mapagod.
na kasama kong mag-trip.
na kasama kong umakyat at bumaba ng bundok.
na kasama ko sa picture.
na kasama kong tumunganga.
na kasama kong mag name-place-animal-thing game.
na kasama kong maglakad
umupo
tumalon
pumikit
na kasama ko sa mga mahahabang biyahe sa buhay ko.

masaya ako. dahil nandyan sila.

hindi tulad nung sa kanta
hindi lang sa umpisa masaya.

***
hindi naman tlga ako sasama.
2 reasons..
walang pera
at hindi ako ppayagan dahil may klase ako.

tumawag si almira.
"ola, sama ka na."
sila na daw muna ni ava ang bahala sa gastos.
thursday nalang ng gabi ang alis.

**gusto kong sumama**
gustong-gusto
sabi nga,
kapag gusto, maraming PARAAN.
kapag ayaw, maraming DAHILAN.

kaya, hayun..
gumawa ng paraan.
may love letter pa kay dad.

kinaumagahan.
ayos na ang gamit.
blessing nlang ng parents ang kulang.

***
mom: "o ayan, pinayagan ka na.."

di mapigilan ang hanggang tengang, ngiti.
sagada.. here i come!!!

wla akong magawa..
mahal pa rin kta.

kahit ilang beses ko pang sabihin at isipin
na ayoko na..
ganon pa rin
mahal pa rin kta.

i just had the healthiest laugh minutes ago.

went to ava's place.
ate lunch at 4 pm.
burned a cd.
watched a friggin' (haha) funny movie.
learned that:
love is not just a feeling.
it is something that you do.
talked.
squirmed.
laughed.
craved for isaw.
bought 3 milky knots.

went home.
watched some tv.
listened to some cd's..
jayson called.
talked.
squirmed.
laughed.
craved for it to never stop.

****
"sabihin mo nga...
kabilugan ng bwan.. bwan ng kabilugan..
nang mabilis at maraming beses.."

haha, laugh trip ka tlga.

ngayon ko lang narealize
mas marami pla akong alam kay almira
pagdating sa showbiz
hahaha!
at mahirap plang mag-isip ng mga hayop.
kahit gaano pa sila karami.

padamihan ng masasabi.
ang talo.. wla lang, talo lang.
ang tagal kseng lumitaw ng araw.
pampalipas lang ng oras.

naubos na ang mga tao sa mga soap opera.
pati sa mga noontime shows.
cguro mga 2 beses ng nbanggit c nora, ai-ai at manilyn.
si diether at c echo favorite, tatlong beses.
***
almira: jimmy bondoc!
ola: artista ba yun!? o cge.. mahal!
almira: mura!
ola: haha. jimboy!!!!
***
ola: spencer.
almira: lady lee.
ayos.. lady lee.. pamatay..
***

i do what i have to do.
and then
i take it back the next morning

***
it's hard
when you're fighting with yourself.

You do.
Or you don't.

You make.
Or you break.

You want to.
But you can't.

And you can.
But you don't want to.

You love.
Or you.. hate.

gimick tonight.

ang daming mga bagay na hindi nabigyang pansin..
magagandang bagay na dapat ikatuwa
na dapat ipagpasalamat.
pero hindi nagawa

bakit?
dahil broken-hearted ka.
ang drama mo..

***
mamaya
magpapakasaya ka.
mamaya
hindi ka na mag-iisip ng mga bagay na tungkol sa kanya
mamaya
you'll move on

***
kasabay ng paglakad mo para sa mga matatanda
inilakad ko mo rin ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya
tama na ang pag-iyak.

sana ito na ang huli.

seconds.. minutes of you.
and that would be enough.

i could sleep with a smile.

at morning
i'll miss you.
thinking of ways to forget
how i loved the way you complete my every day.

and i'll wait for the evening
for those seconds..
minutes of you.

****

i brought you here
so that i could express the things i've been thinking about
give me your ear coz i don't normally do this
so bear with me through this
that i wanna say
but let me start by simply sayin
i thank you

darling just because
i used to love someone that i didn't like
we used to wanna break up every other night
i used to think relationships were a lot of stress
i used to think that pain was a part of happiness
now all that's changed since you've come my way
but i don't want us to become
another used to be.

i hope what i'm saying
don't discourage you in any kind of way
coz i do believe
that you have the potential to be everything i need
i hope that you can really understand
that i would hate to be with someone new

now that you're here
it's evidently clear
i don't have to worry
that i don't ever have to have this worry again

***

i don't want us to be another used to be...

"naks naman.. tlga naman, inlab na inlab pa rin kay yonyur!"
message sent.

***
*beep*
1 message received

"kung hindi inlab, walang relasyon."

tinamaan ako dun.
tama nga... kung hindi ka inlove... pano magkakaroon ng relasyon.
mahal mo nga eh, kaya nga nanjan ka para sa kanya.
mahal mo nga eh, kaya kahit nasasaktan ka... sige lang
mapag-uusapan naman yan..
naayos..
basta mahal mo..
basta mahal ka..

dahil kung hindi mo na mahal
whats the point?
mas madaling bumitaw
mas madaling gumive-up
mas madaling itapon nalang ang lahat.

eh pano yan..
mahal ko pa.
mahal na mahal.

kaya hindi ako bibitaw.
inlab pa eh.

*8*

maghhintay ako.

wag nang pasaway.

basta maghihintay ako.

***

start na ng klase.
first day, first class, INDUSTRIAL PSYCH
syempre late na nman ako.
at oo, wla na naman akong dalang pen, at notebook. maliban sa isang higlighter, at maliit na square na notepad.
malay ko ba. first day eh, dko naman alam na magsusulat agad.

"ola tlga, hindi na nagbago.."
ssshhhhhhhhhh.. wag kang maingay. bad impressions last..

"ang walang notes, hindi maddismissed."
great. nagpaparinig na. wla akong paper, wla pang pen.

may nagbilang anghel, inabot ang yellow pad.
tapos nanghiram ng pen kay aiza. utang na loob ko pa yata. haha. saved!

copy*copy*copy

"balita ko lagi ka daw late?"
ngiti lang.. daanin sa ngiti. baka sakaling makalimutan. at mabighani sa kagandahan.. nyak!

"if you're 15 minutes late. wag na kayong pumasok. 7 and half absences, and il drop you."
and he was firm on this.
Help me, Lord!

***
after the class

"dahil na-late ka.. here's my assignment for you.. blah-blah-blah"
buena mano, assignment kaagad.
*so much for making a good impression.

you know how a cookie crumbles.

you take a bite. and no matter how careful you may be. no matter how gentle your pearly whites may cut through the cookie.. there will always, always be bits of crumbles falling from it.

it was just like us.

no matter what i do, something falls off.

********

"okay.." was the last word i heard myself saying.
i hang-up the phone. numb.

okay. It has always been, "okay.."

i tried. and maybe much more than he said he did. i gave my best.
i didn't give up.

i didn't give up, til he told me to.

its amazing how words could be just that, words.

ang daming mga bagay na nasabi.
pero mas marami parin yung hinde.

at kung masabi man ang mga hinihintay na salita
may halaga pa ba.

may halaga ba.

***
you once told me

whatever happens
we will always be there for each other.

at hindi mo ako sasaktan.
at hindi mo ako iiwan.
na mahal mo ako.

mahal.
sinabi mong mahal mo ako.

ayaw mo noong marinig na sinasabi ko yung
"ayoko na"
"kahit joke lang, ayokong marinig,"
sinabi mo pa.
pero ngayon pakiramdam ko
hinihintay mo na yung mga salitang yun.

hindi naman ako naghahangad ng sobra.
wala naman akong hiningi na higit pa sa nararapat.
ikaw lang naman ang kailangan ko.
na maramdaman na mahalaga ako..
na maramdamang totoo ang mga sinabi mo.

dahil isang minsan
nabanggit mong mahal mo ako.

mahal.
sinabi mong mahal mo ako.

it's amazing how words could be just that, words.

well you know how much i love you
so you better not let me down
i'm not asking for too much baby
just stick around.

those words echo to me.

i want to stay.. i do.
i just don't know if you still want me to..

yeheeeyy!!
i passed!!
i passed!!

magpapakabait nako.. promise!~!!

swear.... talaga!

ischupid.
ischupid ang tawag sa taong hindi natututo sa mga kamalian at katangahang pinaggagagawa niya sa buhay.
ischupid ang manhid.
ischupid ang walang alam sa mundo.
ischupid ang nagmamarunong.
ischupid ang magtype sa word ng napakahaba, tapos hindi i-ssave.
ischupid ang mawalan ng phone.. ng dalawang beses.
ischupid ang taong merong magagawa, pero wlang ginagawa.
ischupid ang tamad.
ischupid ang gumastos ng pera sa wlang kapararakang bagay.
ischupid ang bumili gn libro, tapos hindi babasahin.
ischupid ang mag-demand ng walang karapatan.
ischupid ang magpromise, tapos hindi tutuparin.
ischupid ang mag-expect.
ischupid ang mataas ang pride.
ischupid ang laging galit.
ischupid ang masyadong vain.
ischupid ang insecure.
ischupid ang pabaya.
ischupid ang hindi marunong tumanggap ng pagkakamali.
ischupid ang hindi nkaka-appreciate ng kung ano mang meron siya ischupid ang pasaway.
ischupid ang pasaway na nananaway.
ischupid ang hindi marunong magspell ng ischupid.
ischupid ako..

minsan..
madalas..

eh ngayon kaya?
Ischupid pa rin ba..

Hmmmmmmm..
how can someone be stupid,
when she just made the best decision
she ever had in her life:

she fell in love.

in love..

inlove daw ako..

o tlga.. ewan ko.. dko alam..
cguro nga.. oo..

pero sa dami ng gnagawa dko na alam
kung ano na ang, "oo".. sa "hinde"

pero masaya ako.
sobrang saya.

kung kasiyahan lang ang batayan..
abot hanggang langit ang pagmamahal ko na cguro sa kanya.

siyet.
wait lang.
pag-iisipan ko muna.

iisipin pa ba?

mahirap masaktan.
ayokong
masaktan.
nanaman...

e pero kse..
natatawa ako..
pag gising sa umaga.
siya.
bago kumain.
siya.
papasok sa school.
siya.
magtetest..
sy.. ooops.. tama na ang pag-iisip..
test muna!
nasa jeep.. nasa fx..
siya na namn.
uuwi sa gabi.
matutulog..
siya. siya. siya.
ano ba! tama na!

either way..
huli na ang lahat.

naisip ko na.
at naramdaman pa.

MAHAL KO NGA TALAGA.

filling in the empty spaces..

good.

i'd be okay.

The Difference Between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions:

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians, well, they used a pencil...

Take this pain away..
Take it.

Take my heart in your hands.
Take every beat.

Take me in your arms.
Take me now.

Let this be my plea
And hear me.

Take me. My heart, my soul..
And I?m yours and yours alone.
Won?t you please hear me

got a new cellphone.
eveyrone says im so lucky.. im blessed.
only a week after i got robbed
(it was more like a blessing in disguise, dahil sira na yung phone na yun, and i've been meaning to get rid of it, dahil magastos kung ipapagawa ko pa),
napalitan na kaagad yung phone ko.
When i got home, it was there carefully given in a paper bag.
And i dont even have to ask for it.

Sabi nila lahat daw ng gusto ko, nabibigay sakin.
Pag ako ang humingi, dumadating.
Pag ako ang nagsabi, nangyayari.
Pagdating sakin, lahat daw madali.
Lahat daw ako ang favorite:
favorite anak, favorite pamangkin, favorite kapatid, favorite pinsan, favorite friend, favorite kausap, favorite katawanan, favorite iyakan, favorite kasama.

im not spoiled.
im not an ass.
im far from being a brat.
i dont give people a hard time.
and i could be the most loveable person.
if i want to.

i may have all these.. pero bakit ganon..

i still dont have you.

*****
clarification:

i dont get everything i want.
hindi lahat naibibigay sa akin. i just dont ask much, that's why. at madali akong matuwa sa maliliit na bagay. at masaya na rin ako kahit papano sa kung ano man ang meron ako.

i hate being sad. i hate it when im the reason of someone being sad. kaya as much as possible, ayoko nang may kaaway.
ANG NKAKAINTINDI, YUN ANG UMINTINDI.

i still don't have him.
sino ba yung 'him'? hindo ka pa rin alam.. haha, labo!
sucks... yes. pero okay lang, i still have the best the world could offer me, and that's the gift of unconditional love my family and friends give me.

And i couldn't ask for anything more. :)

darn it..
bat ako pa..
bakit ako pa ang kinuhaan mo ng phone.
leche ka..
ayoko pa naman nang nagmumura
pero napilitan ako,
dahil leche ka tlga..

kaasar ka.
gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr ka.
arrrrrgggggghhhhh!
madulas ka sana.

sana kailanagn na kaialngan mo lng tlga ng pera.
sana mabusog ka
sana ipambili mo sya ng damit, o kaya
ipang-iskwela.. mo, o nang kapatid mo, o anak mo..
basta sana, nakatulong ako.
at napabuti ka.

siyet ka, asar pa rin.
phone ko un!


****
kung nag-aral sana ako,
mataas sana ang nakuha ko sa test.
perfect ko ung first part, bokya naman sa second part.
malay ko ba, wla akong copy nung ibang terms dun.

***
wala akong phone.
but i handled it gracefully.
thanx sa mga friends ko na tumulong sa pagpapasaya sakin.
dko masyadong naramdaman ung bigat ng kamalasan.

---------------------

im meeting ava, marian, mac at starbucks today.. yey! :)

---------------------

saddest lines

"I love you.. simply because I know no other way of loving. In which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand. So intimate that when I fall asleep, it is your eyes that close."
-Pablo Neruda

letter

Dearest,

When you left. My world went to a halt.
a lit cigarette isn't the same without you.
My coffee is bland without you stealing a sip from it.
Everything seems to float in a vast emptiness.
And time seems to be too fast..
or seem to be too slow.
Suddenly, im lost.
And then I realized,
I have to do something.

I never thought a piece of paper can someday save me.
So after all is said (and yes, all is done)
I just have to let you know:

I love you.
With all that is me, I love you.

I know you must have had heard this a hundred, or a thousand times even from other people whose life you've touched.
you were never really hard to love..
I guess, every I love you spoken, every I love you written, every I love you acted upon has their own story.
And sometimes you may think, that they're all the same.

You once said to me over coffee,
"no 'I love you' is forever. Someday one way or another someone would want to get out, because one was loved too much or the other was loved too little. And then I love you would be just a bunch of words gathered to form a sentence."
You chuckled right after.
I don't know if you were just saying that to spite me, you've always loved teasing me.
You argue for the sake of arguing.
But on that moment, I took what you said by heart, it kept me awake that night after you insist to take me home,
like you always do.

But now I can tell you with all my heart,
that this I love you is different.
This is unlike all the others, sweet and gentle and heart-warming.
What I have is not just a feeling that is bursting to be known.
This is more than the getting-it-over-and-done-with.
For this one I say with nothing expecting in return.

My I love you is not just a bunch of words.
My I love you is a testimonial.
It is a testament of everything that has been, is being.. and will be.
My I love you is waiting for nothing,
is asking for nothing.
For I am contented just knowing that this reached you.
Whole.
Sincere.
Uncorrupted with my need for you to love me in return.

I'm grateful you came into my life.
And you never thought this I love you
would come from your bestfriend.

----------------------
for ava

things that matters:

Things that matters

there are moments in life when everything seems to be clear.
but then even if it is so.. you still don't know what to do.
and then it would confuse you all over again.

ang daming bagay na naiisip,
pero ang daming bagay na hindi mailabas.

ang sarap magpakasama.. dahil naiinggit ka.
lagi kang naiingit.. dahil wala kang ginagawa.
wala kang ginagawa.. dahil natatakot ka.

akala mo okay.. pero hindi pala, kaya minsan its good to stop and focus on the details first, before looking at the picture as a whole.

The Lord will always be your refuge.

nothing beats hearing someone say "i Love you"
and meaning it.

sometimes a simple smile, a hug, and the mere presence of a friend can make a big difference.


**********

there are some days na naiisip ko ano nga ba ang meaning ng buhay.

sasaya ka.. masasaktan ka..
ibibigay... kukunin din pala..
aalis.. babalik..
babalik.. aalis..
mahirap.. masarap..
madilim.. maliwanag..
mabilis.. minsan mabagal..
para sayo.. hindi para sayo..
magulo.. malinaw.

parang isang napakalakaing contradiction ang buhay.
minsan maiisip mo nalang.. "is it really worth it?"
lahat ng kaguluhan? kalokohan? kabaliwan?
and one may even ask..
"what's the point?"

experience.

its being able to interact.
its knowing that you know.
its feeling that you feel.
its being.

its going through it all.

one may still add.
"i didn't ask for this."

you didnt. but yet you were given.
you dont even have to ask. it was there carefully laid in front of you.
it's free. no charge.
then only thing one can do
is to accept it, and be greatful gor it.

sometimes we dont know blessings even if it hit us right smack at the face.

may isang makulit na magatatanong..
"i still don't get it."

may mga bagay na hindi natin maiintindihan.
may mga bagay na kahit anong ratinalization at pagcconceptualize ang gawin mo, eh malabo pa rin.

dahil hindi naman lahat ng bagay dapat iniintindi.

~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder, "how much more stupid can I get?"

I sit dazedly on the sofa chair, clutching my cellphone as if the answers to all my life's question depends on it.

Alanis morisette's "Everything" was playing on the radio.
"...you see everything u see every part
you see all my light and u love my dark..."

I imagine him somewhere, singing this song, devoting every word to me. His declaration of love bursting.
Great... now im having hallucinations.

"...and you're still here."
Yeah... i'm still here.

"it's funny, how some dreams you never had can come true."

totoong kung ano pa ung pinapangarap natin, yun pa yung hndi nangyayari. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.

or minsan ung mga hindi natin ineexpect, yun ang nagaganap.

cguro rin,
dahil pwede ring mangyari sa atin ang higit pa sa pinapangapangarap natin.

maybe..

We deserve more.

INSIDE the University, Marianne Quadrangle.

I watched Nathan, basist of the band Bamboo, casually lit a cigarette while performing..



Im missin Aie.

this is a forwarded e-mail Almira sent me
kahit na forwarded lang sya, i know she meant every word.
and im touched. deeply.

***
I JUST want to say "thank you." Thank you that we were always there for each other. In the short span of time that you've known me and I've known you, our very lives have been open to the other. An open book filled with creases and markings. Even the loose tattered pages we've allowed each other to see and to explore. Those pages whose colors have faded into yellowish brown, filled with cheap adhesive tape just to keep the pieces together. The translucent path covered by the tape bearing memories upon memories of mixed emotions. I have those pages in me. Torn pages from my own hands and from the hands I encountered long before I met you. Pages I've tried to conceal, pages I've tried to forget. But you continued to read on in spite of that. I have beautiful pages inside me too. Colorful pages filled with my own handwriting as I try to put into words the wonderful memories that I simply refuse to let go. You smiled with me as you came along these pages. Silly things that make my eyes water from so much laughter. Thank you for smiling with me as I re-read and relive those wonderful moments. Thank you for allowing me to turn a few pages in you too. I saw the pages that caused you so much pain, and I ached for you. I saw the pages that used to warm your heart, and I feel for you because those moments are no longer part of you now. I came along pages that you've tried to conceal from them, yet you trustfully allowed me to see, and I thank you for that. Thank you for the pages and thank you for the trust. And just when we thought that we had each other all figured out, we realized we're both wrong. For you cannot completely read me, and I, you, for as we turn each other's pages, new pages are born and added. And those pages are filled with both our handwritings. Pages we are yet to read, pages whose contents are still unknown to us. Thank you for marking my life. Though the pages we share are all brand new, they're filled with prints from the wonderful person I've found in you. As we continue to read on, I know there will be pages that will be hard for us to face. But whatever happens, I'll continue to believe in that person I met in the early part of these pages. The person whom I've come to treasure. And after all this is over, as we continue to turn our own pages, until we arrive at the closing chapter of this journey, I'll thank Him who is the author and finisher of this grand story for taking His time writing on those pages I've shared with you. Ours will be one of those pages I'll never get tired of reading, of reliving. Ours will be pages that will never fail to bring tears to my eyes as I recall fond memories. Ours will be pages that will never fail to make me smile. And though our pages are not as intertwined as we sometimes hope they were, though there is no "us" but only me and only you, though the stories are all about these wonderful pages of friendship... still, thank you for taking time to read me. And after all this, I hope that whenever you'll think of my pages, it will bring a smile to your face and add a little warmth in your heart, and you'll say, "That was indeed a good read!"

first day of classes. all went well.

we watched Shrek.
hehe. sobrang laugh trip.

"pinocchio! tell a lie!!"
say something like, ur wearing panties!"
"im wearing panties."
hndi humaba ang nose ni pinochs.
"ur wearing panties??"
"no im not."
sabay humaba ung nose nya.. hahaha!
"he's wearing a thong!!" hehehe, i never laughed that hard.

shrek. priceless. i love shrek tlga.

paid tin. finally.
attended all my classes for the day. (with no lates!)
smiled and laughed.
borrowed a pen (twice).
my crush texting me.
bought a 35 peso meal. (hah!)
watched a feel good movie.
went to starbucks.
ate ice buko.
been around with my best girlfrnds.
went home late, but safe.

bliss.

election day.

i found my name posted on the door, room 4.
nahiwalay pako sa family ko. i dont know why, pero kinailangan ko pa tuloy, pumila ulit sa kabilang room.

mainit.
good thing, may pamaypay ako.

***
"ha?"
wala daw, ung name ko sa list nila.

di ako makapaniwala.
You're kidding me. You can't be saying this to me. Not now.

"pano po nangyari yon, nandun po sa door ung name ko.. pakitingin po ulit, 35-B numbr 28.."

they looked. Wala.

"pano po yan.."
they just looked at me, and shrugged.

huwattt?? ganon-ganon nlang ba yon.
sorry, ur name's not here. Next.

i felt my world crashing.
i felt.. cheated.
pinaghandaan ko tong araw na to. (okay not really)
pero i made it sure to mytself that im goin to make my vote count.
i wont let them get the best of me.
and besides i didn't go there for nothing.
natapakan, nainitan, nasiksik, pumila ng napakatagal..
mauuwi lang sa wala?
darn it.
no i wont let this happen.
BOBOTO AKO.
i stayed there.
i gave them the look.
mga teacher pa nman din kayo..
don't let me down.

******
the teachers asked me to just bring someone there who can prove that i am really a resident of the community.
mas okay daw kung public official.
my father came.
"ako po ang ama." siyet, para akong nawawalang bata.
they made him write into a piece of paper, para daw makasigurado in case something went wrong.

i made my way through the small pews.
im voting.

***
president. check.
vice. check.
darn senators. check.
congressman. mayor. vicemayor.
check. check. check.
getty. check.

relief rush through me, as i scanned my vote.
done. tapos na.
I vote. Therfore, i exist.
haha. basta! nagawa ko na!
nagawa ko ung part ko. naks.
it was, honestly, a great feeling.

haaaay.. im back from Bohol..
malungkot na masaya,

masaya dahil, syempre, im back home. makaksama ko na ulit un family ko. yung mga friends ko na naiwan dito sa manila.
malungkot dahil, kailangan ko na namng harapin ang mga problemang iniwan ko. marami na naman akong iisipin.

Malayo na ako sa paraiso.

kung maririnig mo ang bisaya sa maynila.. nakow, asahan mo, may maririnig ka ring ngisngisang kasunod.
iba sa bohol. lahat ng tao, nagbibisaya. lahat komportableng-komportable sa mga salitang binibigkas nila. at pag ikaw ang nagtagalog.. huh??? you're the odd one. Parang gusto ko ngang matutong magbisaya.. kaso ang hirap. mga simpleng words lang ang natatandaan ko. minsan napagbabalibaliktad ko pa. "lami: sarap" "ambot: ewan" "char: charot/charing/joke" "JRJR: joy ride joy ride" "gerger: sex" "nasabot: naintindihan" expression: "hala, oy.." "sige na bhe.."

nakakatuwa sila.. makikita mo tlga yung effort na makausap ka nila, kahit mejo hirap silang magtagalog. at talagang i-eexplain nila sayo yung mga bisayan words, para maintindihan mo. sila pa yung nahihiya samin. when we should be the ones embarassed.

haaayy.. mababait tlga yung mga tao.. pwera lang yung bosohan issue. bad trip yun.

Day 2

ang bait naman. sobrang accomodating.
parang pwede ko na silang bigyan ng medalya o higit pa, sa sobrang pag-aasikaso samin.

Warm smile.. *twink*twink* haaaay.. nakakagaan ng loob. Nakakatuwa sila. Wish ko sana Lolo, Lola, Tatay, Kuya, ate, pinsan ko rin sila.
100 million points for making us feel at home. kahit may language barrier okay lang. Ngiti lang nila. Ayos na.

*na-mimiss ko si Mama.. Na-mimiss ko yung may lola..


*********
habal-habal.
masaya yung habal-habal. kasama ko si almira na nakaangkas sa motor.
ahahahha. At si manong.. We had a moment.

Destination: Krus Daku. (Big Cross)
as expected.
na-amaze na naman ako.. ang ganda ng view.
ang sarap siguro, if i was with a special someone there.
shweet-shweet!!

hiking pababa.
Shux. Tagaktak ang pawis ko.
todohang lakaran to. okay lang. it was a great experience.
and besides makakatulong un sa figure ko. hhihihihihi.

next: off to panglao!!!!
beach!!!!!
breath taking. un lang.

inuman nung gabi.
it was nice bein there with your closest friends.
talking about things. things that matters. things that dont.
hehehe. ang saya..

kami nila almira at donna.. nagstay until mga 3 ata..
la alng.. nakahiga lang sa sand..

Day 1

I cant believe it.
Im flying.
Or so, im in a flying aircraft.
I grasp Janis hand. HARD.
A mixture of excitement, fear, and disbelief engulfed me.
Hindi ako makapaniwala. Im defying gravity. Im conquering my fear of heights. And my fear of doing things on the first time. It’s the fear of uncertainty, of not knowing what will happen next, of feeling emotions I am not familiar of..

Pwede ka pa lang ma-amaze sa isang bagay at sitwasyon ng sobra sobra.
Kakaiba yung pakiramdam na kahit papano hindi nakadepende ang mga paa mo sa lupang kinatayuan mo.

I cant take my eyes off the clouds. Ayoko, minsan lang to.
No I wont sleep.. ZZzzzZZzzzZzzzzZzz..
Haha, mga excited kse.. hndi nagsipagtulog.

Iba yung feeling habang kumakain ng rainbow bites, at umiinom ng zesto apple, habang masikip ang seatbelt mo, nakatingin sa mala-langit na scenery sa labas ng bintana ng eroplano, at habang payapang natutulog ang katabi mo na kanina lang ay mahigpit mong hinahawakan. iba tlga.. lalo na kung perstym.

It's true that most of the things we worry about, are not even worth worrying for.

I made it. buong-buo... at bingi.

*Bakit ganon.. parang lahat ng bagay may kapalit..

Good points:
Bakasyon
Sa wakas.. wla na akong iintindihin.
Hndi nako ggising ng maaga.
Wala ng mga nakakalokong tests
In aj and crystal's words:
Hindi nako "mawiwindang".

Bohol
This is the one thing that im looking forward to
(since the cellphone issue)
ito ang pinapangapangarap kong paraiso.

Friends
Si Marian and Ava, they just make my life bearable. Everything seems to be wonderful kpag kasama ko sila.
Donna and Almira
Kahapon, na-meet nila c marian and ava.
They clicked.
Ang saya-saya ko..
There's nothing better than having your closest friends be friends with your other closest friends.
Tuwang-tuwa tlga ko nung gabing yon.
It brought me to a natural high. Bliss.

Bad points:
Im broke.
Wala ako, ni singkong duling.
Ang hirap nang hindi mo mabili yung mga gusto mo.
Yung mga pangangailangan mo.
Yung tipong bibili nalang ng chichirya jan sa kanto, dmo pa magawa.
Nanghihinayang kang umalis dahil sayang sa pamasahe.
Gustong-gusto mong tawagan at itxt ung mga taong malapit sayo, pero di mo magawa dahil for the nth time, na-cut ang line mo.

Graduate na cla almira, donna, at tina. LOA naman si racquel.
I'll miss them so much, just thinking about it, hurts.

I failed a major class..
Expsych. Hndi ko alam kung pano sasabihin sa parents ko.
Lalo na ngayon. Walang-wala kami.
At wala na rn akong mukhang maihaharap.
Maglilihim na nmn ako..

The cellphone issue
Once again..Umasa na nman ako..Naghangad masyado.. Nadisapoint. Napahiya.
Fuck.

Passing away of a friend.
Seeing a dear friend suffer.. grieve.
And not being able to do anything.

I failed a friend.
I hurt a friend.
Aie, of all people..
Nakalimutan ko sya.. hindi ko naisip ung mararamdaman nya..
Parang diko kayang humarap sa kanya at sabihing
"Pasensya na.. nagkakamali rn ako."
There's nothing worse than hurting someone you love.

Shame.

Letting my parents down.
Letting a friend down.
Letting myself down.

Feeling worthless.

Trying to be perfect. And not even getting close.

Crying.. and still feel worse.

********

SA BAWAT ARKO NG ISANG NGITI,
ISANG BASO NG LUHA..