everything seems to be screaming of him.

parang lahat nalang ng kwento sa peyups, yun ang pangalan.
the resto.. of all names, why does it have to be "it"
sa tv
sa radyo..
the guy sa mall..
the guy sa tabi ko..
nkatalikod.
side-view.

shit, tama na ola.
pwede ba.

pakitingin nga ulit..
Koi, ba tlga yung name ng restaurant na yun?

argh..
hallucinations ba to..

***

"imposible na par.." (ava on the left receiver)
"imposible na ola.." (jayson on the right receiver)

sabay pa kayong nagsalita sa telepono..
left and right, pareho ang sinabi nyo.
bka meron pang gustong sumigaw jan..

imposible na ba tlga?
bka naman kse may paraan pa..
paano magging imposible ang minsan nang naging posible..
oo na.. oo na..
pasaway na..
alam ko, pasaway ako..
pero ang hirap lang tlga.

suot ko ung necklace.. partner nung bracelet na binigay ko sa kanya.
alam ko.. alam ko..
im still holding on sa kung ano man ang natitira.
ang hirap tanggapin, at ang sakit-sakit
nung nalaman ko na sinabi nya kay ava
na wla na..
hindi na daw namin maayos to.

bakit...
... .... ....
.....
.. .
bakit hindi na.....

and you said i was the best..
pero bakit ang hirap hirap paniwalaan..

***

"if he really loves you he won't let you go.."
ouch, ang sakit nun ah.

hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin malinaw sa akin ang dahilan
hanggang ngayon, oo inaamin ko..
gago pa rin akong umaasa.
iniisip.
nagbabakasakali.
baka lang.
bumalik sya.

alam ko isang araw, matututunan ko ring tanggapin ang lahat.
islow nga pla ako..
dahan-dahan lang.
ganun tlga..
hindi ko kaya ng biglaan.

[.] [.]
c
---

minsan iniisip ko pa rin kung kamusta na siya. kumakain ba sya on-time.. napupuyat ba sya palagi.. may dala kaya syang payong.. pagod kaya sya.. naipasok nya na ba yung scooter sa loob. anong time kaya sya matutulog.. anong time kaya siya gigising.. kamusta kaya yung test.. anong pinapanood nya sa tv.. naasar ba sya.. naainis.. naguguluhan.. o natatawa.

sana maganda ang gising nya.. sana hindi sya late.. sana wala syang singaw.. sana busog sya.. sana hindi masakit ang muscles nya.. sana may dala syang payong.. sana nka-helmet sya.. sana hindi sya nasiko sa game.. sana nanalo sila.. sana masaya syang tumatawa.. sana mahimbing ang tulog nya..

yun lang.. malaman ko lang na okay sya.. sapat na sa akin para malamang okay narin ako.

letters fromt he crypt:

jani,
kamusta na ba??
parang wla na akong balita sayo..
kwento, kwento, kwento.
miss ko na yun sayo.
pasensya na.. ang tamad ko ba?
promise.. papasok na ako.
bat nga pla hindi ka pumasok kanina?

kel,
sorry rin. jan ka pla sa miguel kanina.
nka-silent kse phone ko.
sayang mukhang di na naman kta makikita.
ang lungkot.
isa ka pa nman sa nagpapasaya ng araw ko.

almira,
buti naman at hindi ka nagalusan.
iniimagine ko lang yung ngyari sa inyo.
naawa nako sayo..
hehe. pero sorry, natatawa din ako.
ang cute mo cguro nun..
i just wish i was there to comfort you my friend.

tina,
salamat sa mga forwarded e-mails.
na-depress ako lalo!
hehe. loko lang..
miss na kta, teens.
isang araw magkikita tayo,
ay iiinom natin ang pait ng buhay.
siyet ang seksi ng kasama ko!

ivy,
i wanna see you. i wanna see you.

dan,
wala kang pasok dba?
yess!
punta ko sa inyo, kwentuhan tayo.

marian,
ang hirap tlga pag busy..
miss na kta..
pasensya na rin kung hindi na ako masyadong masayang kausap.
ill make it up to you, i promise.
galingan mo sa OJT.

aie,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang.
ganyan ba tlga pag in-love??
text me whenever.
its good being with you again.

ava,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang
ganyan ba tlga pag in love??
hehe.
sobrang saya ko para sayo.
kabatak, pare, tsong, va
pasensya na sa sakit ng ulo
ansarap kseng maging pasaway.
see you later.

jayson,
wag mo na akong sermonan.
to you who do it best..
salamat.

will,
mag-ingat.
pigil-pigilan.

mac,
kaya mo yan.

roy,
ang cute ng baby mo..
i don't think you should tell him stories of me.
im glad ur finally happy.

koi,
syempre ikaw ang huli.
wla lang..
alam mo na rin cguro ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.
i drew an outline of attack
and my plan was to win you back.
i guess, it would take some time before i realize
that i already lost.

All I Want is You
U2

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold.
All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

You say you'll give me a highway with no-one on it
Treasure, just to look upon it
All the riches in the night.
You say you'll give me eyes in the moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest.
All the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
When all I need is you.

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night.
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.
+++

.
***
there's nothing wrong with wanting.
its when you're expecting that makes all the difference.

in case
hindi mo pa rin alam..
in case
hindi ka pa sawang marinig..
just in case
hindi ko na masabi ulit..

gusto kong malaman mo.
that i still love you.

"You give me peace, in a lifetime of war."
-achilles (TROY)


***
may kinuwento sakin yung tita ko
may kasamahan daw sya sa church
they were getting married..
the date is set.
and proper preparations were just being approved.

until he got sick.
and have to be rushed in the hospital.
they say there has been a complication in the brain.
hindi alam kung paano nangyari at saan nanggaling.

bigla nalang..
ganon na.
comatose.

everyday, she was by his side.
she never left him once.
hoping that in a heartbeat,
he'll open his beautiful eyes, and smile at her..
like the way he used to.

yesterday, my tita told me.
he passed away.
sabi ng doctors wag na daw patagalin, masasayang lang daw ang pera nila sa kakabayad sa mga aparato na nakakabit sa kanya..
wala na daw tlgang magagawa.

she didn't want to let go.
they were supposed to get married
and be together.
she didn't want to say goodbye..
but she have to.



***
mgpapa-pedicure dpat ako kna ava..
akala ko may party na nman sa kapit-bahay nila.

"patay na.."
"ha??! di nga??!"
"oo.."
"magpapapedicure pa nman dpat ako sa kanya..."

she was so alive when i last saw her..
i paid her 40 bucks..
and now she's lying there in a box.

"bat namatay??"
"sabi ni aling carms, uminom daw ng tubig.."

uminom ng tubig..
marami daw kseng sakit yun.
mostly sa tyan.
hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal ang tubig, pero basta a single sip of it would kill her.

pasaway.
she drank water, and now she's dead.



***
its scary how your heart could stop from beating
and just die.
frightening, to not be ready for what is to happen.
when you still haven't done the things you want and longed to do.
when there's still words left unsaid.
actions left undone.

things you haven't really taught about much,
but means a whole lot.

when you thought, you're just about to start your life..
when finally, you realize how beautiful life is..
when at last, you have something to live for..

here comes death.
looking you straight in the eye.

at the last beat of your heart..
at the last breath you take..
at the last touch you feel..
and after (what they call) "the last 6 seconds of brain activity"
after everything else has shut down..

it is then that one realizes, it's too late.

i want to start now.
start living now.

start saying what should be said.
eh ano.. kung nakakahiya.. kung nagmumukhang tanga..
kung corny.. kung may pagka-jolog..
at least nasabi mo..
and you've done your part.

start doing what should be done.
mahilig akong ipagpabukas ang lahat..
"bukas nalang.. marami pang oras."
ngayon hindi nako sigurado..
paano kung wala na..
hindi lahat ng bagay magagawa at matatapos ko sa isang araw..
o sa iilang oras..

there are so many things that im not ready for.
pero sana bago man ako kunin ni Lord
alam ko na nagawa ko na ang mga dapat kong gawin.
then maybe dying wouldn't be so sad anymore..

last night tops my list of happiest moments.
it was one of the happiest ~hours~ of my life.
i could stay awake till morning.

if only i could say it out loud..
....
then my night would have been complete.

wla naman akong ineexpect na kahit ano.
hearing him again was enough.

i slept with a stupid grin stuck on my face.
what can i say..
i can't lie to myself..
i still love him.

he look a lot like his baby.

eyes..
nose..
lips..

miguel could be the baby roy of 1970's

i miss him.
i re-read his letters.

i hope he's happy.
well, i know he is.

***
i lost it.
again.

***

i lied when i told him, that i wear everyday the bracelet that we both have.
i lied, because i lost it one day..
the day before he told me that it's over between us.

naisip ko.. sign ba yun?

i didn't want it to end.
i didn't want to accept the fact that i've
l
o
s
t
him.
so i tried.
i thought maybe..
he can love me again.
like he
u
s
e
d
to.

i bought another bracelet, just like the one i've lost.

it became my torch of love for him.
as long as it's there.
i know we'd still be intertwined.

***
i called him up on his cellphone.
God knows how many times i did.
but he didn't answer.
maybe he was asleep. antukin yon eh..

i went back to our drinking session.
jerry's funny.
jake's easy in the eyes.
gerard, well he's charming.
here's three guys in my vision, and i still can't get him out of my system.
great.
"tapey."

***
on the way home.
i was looking through the window..
it was peaceful and calm.
the air con was too cold for me
so i reached out to change it's direction.

shit.
the bracelet..
i've lost it again.

***
sign ba 'to?
Lord, just tell me, sign ba 'to?
is this your way of telling me na hindi na tlga dapat..
na kailangan ko nang gumive-up.
is this a sign that says..
I've lost him.
i've lost him long before i lost the bracelet a second time.

i knew the answer..
dati pa.
ayoko lang tanggapin.

***
"tapey."

iba tlga kapag kasama mo ang matatalik mong kaibigan.
naks, ang lalim nun. haha

ang saya sa sagada.
kahit tatlo lang kami, okay pa rin

masaya.

simula umpisa
hanggang sa huli

masaya.

ang sarap ng pakiramdam
na may mga tao kang makakasama sa mga panahong kailangan mo.
nalaman ko din
na hindi porke't malungkot ka
e hindi ka na pwedeng maging masaya.
at hindi porke't may nawala sayo
ay wla nang natira sayo.

pwedeng maging masaya.
sobra pa nga.
at maraming natira.
higit pa.

minsan yung mga bagay na dapat nating pahalagahan
yun pa yung nababalewala.

kaya ako, ayoko nang maging malungkot.
mayasa ako.
dahil may mga kaibigan ako
na kasama kong tumatawa.
(at magpigil ng tawa)
na kasama kong kumain.
(at magtipid)
na ksama kong mapagod.
na kasama kong mag-trip.
na kasama kong umakyat at bumaba ng bundok.
na kasama ko sa picture.
na kasama kong tumunganga.
na kasama kong mag name-place-animal-thing game.
na kasama kong maglakad
umupo
tumalon
pumikit
na kasama ko sa mga mahahabang biyahe sa buhay ko.

masaya ako. dahil nandyan sila.

hindi tulad nung sa kanta
hindi lang sa umpisa masaya.

***
hindi naman tlga ako sasama.
2 reasons..
walang pera
at hindi ako ppayagan dahil may klase ako.

tumawag si almira.
"ola, sama ka na."
sila na daw muna ni ava ang bahala sa gastos.
thursday nalang ng gabi ang alis.

**gusto kong sumama**
gustong-gusto
sabi nga,
kapag gusto, maraming PARAAN.
kapag ayaw, maraming DAHILAN.

kaya, hayun..
gumawa ng paraan.
may love letter pa kay dad.

kinaumagahan.
ayos na ang gamit.
blessing nlang ng parents ang kulang.

***
mom: "o ayan, pinayagan ka na.."

di mapigilan ang hanggang tengang, ngiti.
sagada.. here i come!!!