i felt the Lord's arms embracing me..
my eyes welled up as i realized,
God has always been present in my life.
i kept on running after things, or searching for an event that will change my every day.
i want peace..
i want contentment..
i want my heart to jump in exuberating joy.
and then i felt Him saying..
"here i am..."

just watched "My Bestfriend's Wedding" an all-time favorite chick flick.

ever loved someone so bad, but then you recognized that you just have to let go and give up?
"i woke up and i realized, that the world is just as it should be."
a line from the movie.







iyon dapat ang mangyari.
ito dapat ang mangyari.
the beautiful world will go on,
whether or not the love we have given is reciprocated.
and that's just how it is.

"As alwys u bring out d best in evrybdy. I
hav nver found anyone els so charmng &
encompassng as u are. Ur evrthing that I
evr wantd and evn mor. I remembr
blissflly d way ur eyes sparkle & shine
lyk ur alwys seein me for d first tym, d
way u let out a contagious laugh wen I
tell a joke, d way u do thngs my way, d
way ur hands alwys find its way to my
hands, d way ur breath lingers in my
ear, d way u brush my hair w/ur fingers,
d way ur lips fits perfectly into mine, d
way u will alwys b you, and I will alwys
be me wen were together, d way the
sun alwys seem to shine wen Im w/
you, and d way the rainy days bcom
bearable bcoz of u, d way ur voice
bcoms d song in my heart, and ur touch
d healing stroke of heaven on earth, d
way you make me want to be better,
and see more of what life has to offer
with you by my side.
With all my heart, I shout with might. I
love you. i love you.
I am crazy in love w/ you.
And theres no turnin back. U will hav
my heart as long as you wud want me
to."


-14January2005

i was re-living again our memories.
or i guess, my memories of him.
siguro hindi nya na ako naiisip.
i still can't help but to check on him from time to time.
ang hirap kse pag nakasanayan mo na.

i was re-reading some of my testimonials for him at friendster.
i was so inlove.. *smiles*

i have no regrets in loving him.
kse alam ko kahit papano..
napasaya ko rin sya.

"sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po."

***

kabado ako sobra nung pagpasok ko sa room.
ineexpect ko na ang makikita ko:
madilim at may isang nakasinding bumbilya na nakasabit lang
tapos may dalawang mamang pulis, na kapwa nag-aabang sa akin.
isang naninigarilyo, at isang may hawak na baril.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*

first time kong magpapa lie detector test.
inihanda ko na ang sarili sa pagbukas ko ng pinto.

"pumasok ka na sa loob." sabi sakin ng babaeng pulis.

hmpf, ang sunget.

lumuwag ang hinga ko nang makita kong maliwanag naman pla sa loob.
*buntong hininga*
white light.
at isa lang ang pulis.
may isang silya, roon na namukud tangi.
sa totoo lang mukha syang electric chair.
kulay brown.
may sandalan at arm rest din na malapad.
sa tabing kanan nito ang polygraph machine.

Diz iz it.



****

relax lang.
wag hihinga ng malalim.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
wag pag lalaruan o kakagatin ang bibig.
wag lulunok.
wag igagalaw ang kamay, ang paa.
wag lilingon, wag iikot ang tingin.
tumingin lang ng diretso, eye level.

sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po.

hindi na kailangang tumungo, pag sumagot ng opo.
hindi na kailangang umiling, pag sumagot ng hindi po.

makinig ng mabuti sa mga tanong.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
relax.

Relax?
mahirap yatang mag-relax habang sinasabihan ka ng mga katagang ganun.
habang kinakalma ang sarili.
habang iniisip mo kung paano hindi masyadong lumunok.
at kung paano panonormalin ang paghinga.
sakto, pasmado pa ako.

ang hirap nito.
think happy thoughts.

***

mga apat na beses nilang inulit yung set ng mga tanong.
kaya pla ganun yung mga napapanood ko sa tv.
lahat seryoso.
hindi maka-ngisi.
hindi maka-basag pinggan.
lahat takot na baka maapektuhan ang resulta ng test.

gusto ko sanang magpapicture.
habang kumpletong nakakabit sa akin ang lahat ng aparato para sa test.
kaya lang, pinapatay ni ateng pulis yung cellphone ko.

sayang.

nabasa ko na naman ang mga sulat ni nikka.
nkakatuwa talaga sya.
nakaka-engganyo magkwento.
pakiramdam ko, parang nasa harap ko lang siya at sinasabi ang bawat yugto ng buhay nya.
nakakatuwa.
nakaka-miss.
nkakainggit.

sabi nga nya,
and to quote her:
"kung gusto, magagawan ng paraan iyan. Hindi ko pa lang alam kung anong diskarte ang gagawin ko."

pagdating kse sa diskarte, hirap ako.
ang hirap mag decide.
mahirap aksyonan yung mga bagay na pinagdesisyonan mo,
lalo na kung takot kang malaman ang resulta.

yun naman o..
para sayo.

:)

uwi ka na.

sabi nga ng isang kakilala ko,
"kung baga sa paglalakad.. makakarating din tayo sa pupuntahan natin.
may mga bagay na hindi kailangang madaliin.."
hehe..
sa totoo lang medyo nahirapan ako dun.
yun kase ang problema sakin,
sugod agad.

padalos dalos,
kaya ayun laging sumusubsob.

pero tama sya dun..
hindi lahat nadadaan sa mabilisan.
hindi lahat pinipilit mahinog.
may mga bagay na may tamang oras

perfect timing.
tamang pagkakataon.

when does one stops caring?

i was doing a fairly well job on moving forward with my life.
i have my family, i have my friends.
although i lost him, i've learned to accept our fate.
there are just things in life that are not meant to be.
sometimes you just have to learn to let go.

but when does one really stops caring?
does it ever end?
or do you just go on pretending you don't care,
but inside you worry,
too much that it hurts so bad.



***

ilang beses ko na bang sinabi na ayoko na.
makailang beses na siguro..

pero hindi pa rin madala.
hindi ko pa rin maialis yung pakiramdam ng pag-aalala,
na gusto kong maging okay sya.

Had super fun when we were in ilocos!
we ate the famous egado and ilocos longganisa and empanada.
yum!
frolicked along the beach of pagudpod.
seen magnificent old churches,
experienced the windmills,
went on top of the lighthouse and viewed the world.

i love you girls!
mmwah!