To you,

Hi there. *smiles..*
You hear from me again.
I'm sorry I have to bother you. I just don't have any one to talk to that may understand how I'm feeling. *laughs* I assumed you would, I'm sorry again.
You know him. You love him. As much as I do.
He will be fine. He's a big baby *smiles* but he will be fine.
I lost him.. a long time already.. or maybe.. I never had him..
I always hear your name a lot. Too much, that I thought it was a sign.
I've discovered about a month ago from my birth certificate, that the doctor who delivered me has the same name as yours. And so as my godmother whom I've never met. And there there was this travel agent that I spoke to from work. Yes, name same as yours. Every time I say her name, it felt like I was speaking to you. And every time I laughed with her, it felt like I was laughing with you. And then it so happens, my name is Olivia, and him, Oliver. I have this insane idea that all these names were connected for a reason. I was led to him, for a reason. I thought the reason was him finding a new love with me.
You might think I'm going crazy. *laughs* Well.. I guess you should. I did lose a couple of screws there. Well, okay maybe.. three.

But then, life has to whack me.

We had a simple fight, one of those petty fights that we keep on arguing about. Days after, I lost him. I lost my love. And now I'm here. Writing to you for the second time.
I'm sorry again I have to bother you.
Did you like me.. Did you think I was the best girl for him, after you..
I will understand if you will say no.
But I want you to know, I did my best. I kept my promise to you. I never left him.
I felt lost now.. I don't know where to go.
But he will be okay.. he's a big baby, but he's going to be okay.. *smiles*
We didn't had a chance to get to know each other, but I've known you in beautiful stories he shared to me. (I'm sorry, i asked him to.) We're not much alike, but I felt, we would have been friends.

Ang feeling ko talaga no.. hehe.

Well, thank you for listening. Yes, I know. This is what you and I want. His happiness. *smiles* I know I shouldn't cry now. I feel better. Thank you. I promise to keep an eye on him, even from afar.

Gnyt,
Ola

it was his pillow..
it was his sheets..
it was him
and her.

i've always thought he hates it when someone's taking his picture
kase pag pinipicturan ko sya
or magpipicture kaming dalawa..
ayaw nya..
or kung magpipicture man..
laging abnormal yung itsura.
okey nga yun eh, nakakatawa.
kaya lang minsan, syempre
gusto ko naman meron akong kuha kami na maayos
para pwede kong ipagmayabang sa iba.
"oy, eto o.. yung mahal ko, hindi to imaginary, eto tlga sya o!"
akala ko kse nung una, ayaw nya lang tlga
akala ko isa lang yun sa mga ka-weirdohan nya.

hindi pala..

hindi lang pala kase ako ang babaeng gusto nyang makasama sa picture.
umpisa pa lang ola..
umpisa pa lang..
hindi na ikaw..


***

ayokong magpaalam..
dahil ayokong mawala sya..
dahil hindi ko kaya..
pero hirap na hirap na ako..
nkakailang araw pa lang..
pero pakiramdam ko,
parang buong buhay ko na ang nagdaan.


***

bits and pieces of us flash into my mind
as i turn off the light and lay on my bed
and cry..
did i mean anything to you?

did i even mean a thing to you..

halos mamatay ako..
halos mamatay ako.

alam kong lagi kayong magkasama
dati rati kase, ako yun..
dati ako ang katabi mo..
(masayang masaya ako sa bawat oras ng mga yon)
dati ako lahat ang may alam ng problema mo.
dati ako ang kasama mong kumain
..bumili ng mga kailangan mo
..at sasamahan naman kita.
tapos mang-aasar ka, mapipikon ako..
tapos may gagawin akong kapalpakan
..at magiging parang nanay na naman kita..
away ng konte, kakain, asaran, tapos tatawa..

okey na ko don..
hihingi pa sana ako ng higit sa binibigay mo,
pero iyon lang ang kaya mo..
inakala kong magbabago rin ang pagtingin mo sa akin
kaya hinintay kita

maraming beses mo namang ipinaramdam at ipinaalam na hindi ko na kailangang maghintay
pero ginusto ko..
ako ang nagpumilit.
ako ang umasa.
ako ang pasaway.

halos madurog ang puso ko nung nalaman kong kasama mo sya
sa mga lugar na dati'y ako ang dinadala mo.
halos mamatay ako nung nalaman kong gusto mo sya
halos maubusan ako ng hininga nung nalaman kong kayo na.
higit pa nung nalaman kong don ka natutulog, at Bubba ang tawag mo sa kanya...


ang dami kong mamimiss sa atin..
ni hindi ko alam kung saan at paano mag-uumpisa.

***
Lord, bahala ka na sa puso ko..
salamat dahil sinagot mo ang mga panalangin ko..
dahil ngayon nakahanap na sya ng taong mamahalin nya at mamahalin din sya.
Forgive me Lord,
dahil alam ko maraming beses kitang kinalimutan
maraming panahon na isinangtabi kita.
alam ko, hindi ko deserve ang lahat ng mga blessings
na binibigay mo sa akin..
pero sisikapin ko, Lord.
sisikapin kong maging karapatdapat sa pagmamahal mo.

mas masaya ba syang kasama
mas maganda
mas matalino
mas mabait
ginawa ko na ang lahat para hindi mo makita sa iba ang lahat ng hinahanap mo
pero wala ka paring nakita
bulag ka pa rin pagdating sa akin.


...




iyo na sya..
iyo na sya..


siguro ikaw na nga ang hinahanap nya.

two years and three months.
happy monthsary. *smile*

there's so many things i waited for him to do
and so many things i thought were ours..

but now, nothing's left..
nothing's left.

it's seems like
every memory is sucking the life out of me
and i don't know if i'll ever be the same again

****

"oh simple thing, where have you gone
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin
so i you have a minute, why dont we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why dont we go
somewhere only we know.."

Somewhere only we know
Keane


yung makati.. glorieta.. taft.. mcdo.. greenbelt..
yung 7/11.. mini stop.. netopia.. egg..
tokyo tokyo.. yoshinoya.. kfc.. jollibee.. NYFD..
yung eskimo.. yung mr.choi..
yung fries.. big mac.. yung ice tea..
yung kwarto mo.. yung veranda..
yung park..
yung antayan ng jeep sa may labas ng meadowpark gate..
yung mga panahong magkatabi tayo habang bumibyahe papasok sa trabaho o pauwi sa bahay..
yung starbucks..
yung waltermart..
lahat hindi na sa atin..

may nagmamay-ari nang iba..

i had this crazy feeling that we were meant to be together
even if it meant feeling it alone

i remember the first time we met..
unang araw pa lang pinakita ko na agad ang tunay na ako
syempre kailangan may palpak..
*chuckles*
ayun, natapunan kita ng unang bagay na binigay ko sayo
...chocolate mouse.
nakaputi ka pang polo non.
pormadong pormado.
pormal. malinis.
samantalang ako...
nakaitim na sando, nkapalda na parang ukot-ukot.
hindi maintindihan ang porma.
umpisa pa lang, nakita ko na
magkaiba tayo.

seryoso ka non.
akala ko nabigla lang tayo at nagkamali tayo ng desisyon.
pero habang naglalakad tayo,
hinawakan mo ang kamay ko
simula nung oras na yon
naramdaman ko na ikaw na ang huli.

***

malayong malayo ako sa lahat ng mga babaeng nagustuhan mo
magkaiba tayo mag-isip..
hindi ako singkit.. hindi rin balingkinitan..
marami akong kailangang ayusin sa buhay ko..
alam ko yun.
pero alam ko rin na mahal kita.
kaya pinilit kong iayon ang takbo ng buhay ko sayo.

malaking parte ka na ng buhay ko
hindi ko alam kung saang sulok ng mundo ako magtatago
kung saan wala ang alaala mo
gusto ko ba tlga na limutin ka
sa totoo lang hinde..
pero kailangan.
dahil mahirap...
mahirap isipin ka, nang wala ka sa tabi ko..

this is not goodbye...
you will never lose me.
i cannot deny that my days would be long without you
but this, i say
i will always, be yours
in special ways that no one can take away.
and in a secret part of my heart..
you will always be mine.
my squishy.

"cause you wanted more
more than i could give
more than i could handle
in a life that i can't live
you wanted more
more than i could bare
more than i could offer
for a love that isn't there.."

You Wanted More
Tonic


***

this past few weeks
i found myself at my lowest
always gasping for air.

i was walking home alone..
trying to drag myself into a house
where i have to pretend again
that everything is alright..
that everything is just how it should be..
i'm fine... i'm fine...
i'm trying.

is this what they all call broken?
i felt like i was floating..
breathing hard is starting to be a habit..
the darkness of the night
has become a silent comforter of my tired cries..
do i want to know more?
i don't know..
do i want him to be happy?
with all my heart..


i miss him terribly.
i listened to one of his voicemails
he said pangit for about 10seconds
i missed that.
ang pangit ko daw... *smiles* loko tlga yun...

a face forgotten,
i lay waste.

and while you have unknowingly razed and shattered me completely,
i wasn't able to manage even the slightest dent on you.

***

i lie on my bed of thoughts
of words striking a heart so weak
of tangled memories wishing to forget

unprepared of what's to unfold
broken spirit, wearied soul..

sleep it over now..
dry your tears.

maybe tonight will be a dream..


***

"hindi ka na mag-iisa
hindi ka na lululuha pa..
ligaya mo at pangarap na
hindi maging akin..
kundi para sa iba.."

Liham
Hale

++++

sinabi ko naman sayo yon diba..
na ang gusto ko lang..
maging masaya ka..

marami akong gustong sabihin.
..nang hindi ko kailangang umiyak..
pero mukhang imposible yata yon.
*tawa*
hindi ko alam kung ito man ang mga huling salita
na sasabihin ko sayo.
pero alam mo naman diba..
na mahal kita.
at wala na akong ibang hiniling kundi ang makita kang masaya

lagi ka na sa puso ko..
hindi ka na mawawala dito.

salamat.
sa maraming masasayang oras ng buhay ko,
kasama kita.

salamat.

i thought i would never feel it again..
or if i would, it thought it wouldn't hurt that much

i keep convincing myself not to.
feel numb.
feel numb.

feel numb.

please..
feel numb.

you can't do this..
you cant do this every night..
hide under your sheet while every one's asleep
and cry..
like a baby..

*****

it shocked me still..
i dont know why but it does..
maybe because i fooled myself into believing
that i would be someday enough..

+++

i copied the messages
and stored it in our pc's documents..
...and in my heart..
to remind me every time..
to make me numb..

Have a little faith in me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby 
And have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me, 
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

Well I've been loving you for such a long, long time 
Expecting nothing in return just for you to have a little faith in me
'Cause see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is a have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to have a little faith in me
oh, heeeeey, oh darlin'
have a little faith in me

Faith

THE MASTERPIECE

"><

hehehe. had the most fun mcdo eating time with eileeny and camsy kanina.
sort of made me forget my own troubles.
(sayang wla ang the rest of the counter and resa clan)
sige tawa lang ng tawa.
magkwento ng mga kabalastugang pinag gagagawa.
magtanong. magduda. magkwento. tawa ulit.
tapos mag nose bleed.
na inspire ako kaya ginawa ko itong masterpiece na ito.
(please see above art.)

thankyou coolness friends.