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im meeting ava, marian, mac at starbucks today.. yey! :)

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saddest lines

"I love you.. simply because I know no other way of loving. In which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand. So intimate that when I fall asleep, it is your eyes that close."
-Pablo Neruda

letter

Dearest,

When you left. My world went to a halt.
a lit cigarette isn't the same without you.
My coffee is bland without you stealing a sip from it.
Everything seems to float in a vast emptiness.
And time seems to be too fast..
or seem to be too slow.
Suddenly, im lost.
And then I realized,
I have to do something.

I never thought a piece of paper can someday save me.
So after all is said (and yes, all is done)
I just have to let you know:

I love you.
With all that is me, I love you.

I know you must have had heard this a hundred, or a thousand times even from other people whose life you've touched.
you were never really hard to love..
I guess, every I love you spoken, every I love you written, every I love you acted upon has their own story.
And sometimes you may think, that they're all the same.

You once said to me over coffee,
"no 'I love you' is forever. Someday one way or another someone would want to get out, because one was loved too much or the other was loved too little. And then I love you would be just a bunch of words gathered to form a sentence."
You chuckled right after.
I don't know if you were just saying that to spite me, you've always loved teasing me.
You argue for the sake of arguing.
But on that moment, I took what you said by heart, it kept me awake that night after you insist to take me home,
like you always do.

But now I can tell you with all my heart,
that this I love you is different.
This is unlike all the others, sweet and gentle and heart-warming.
What I have is not just a feeling that is bursting to be known.
This is more than the getting-it-over-and-done-with.
For this one I say with nothing expecting in return.

My I love you is not just a bunch of words.
My I love you is a testimonial.
It is a testament of everything that has been, is being.. and will be.
My I love you is waiting for nothing,
is asking for nothing.
For I am contented just knowing that this reached you.
Whole.
Sincere.
Uncorrupted with my need for you to love me in return.

I'm grateful you came into my life.
And you never thought this I love you
would come from your bestfriend.

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for ava

things that matters:

Things that matters

there are moments in life when everything seems to be clear.
but then even if it is so.. you still don't know what to do.
and then it would confuse you all over again.

ang daming bagay na naiisip,
pero ang daming bagay na hindi mailabas.

ang sarap magpakasama.. dahil naiinggit ka.
lagi kang naiingit.. dahil wala kang ginagawa.
wala kang ginagawa.. dahil natatakot ka.

akala mo okay.. pero hindi pala, kaya minsan its good to stop and focus on the details first, before looking at the picture as a whole.

The Lord will always be your refuge.

nothing beats hearing someone say "i Love you"
and meaning it.

sometimes a simple smile, a hug, and the mere presence of a friend can make a big difference.


**********

there are some days na naiisip ko ano nga ba ang meaning ng buhay.

sasaya ka.. masasaktan ka..
ibibigay... kukunin din pala..
aalis.. babalik..
babalik.. aalis..
mahirap.. masarap..
madilim.. maliwanag..
mabilis.. minsan mabagal..
para sayo.. hindi para sayo..
magulo.. malinaw.

parang isang napakalakaing contradiction ang buhay.
minsan maiisip mo nalang.. "is it really worth it?"
lahat ng kaguluhan? kalokohan? kabaliwan?
and one may even ask..
"what's the point?"

experience.

its being able to interact.
its knowing that you know.
its feeling that you feel.
its being.

its going through it all.

one may still add.
"i didn't ask for this."

you didnt. but yet you were given.
you dont even have to ask. it was there carefully laid in front of you.
it's free. no charge.
then only thing one can do
is to accept it, and be greatful gor it.

sometimes we dont know blessings even if it hit us right smack at the face.

may isang makulit na magatatanong..
"i still don't get it."

may mga bagay na hindi natin maiintindihan.
may mga bagay na kahit anong ratinalization at pagcconceptualize ang gawin mo, eh malabo pa rin.

dahil hindi naman lahat ng bagay dapat iniintindi.

~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder, "how much more stupid can I get?"

I sit dazedly on the sofa chair, clutching my cellphone as if the answers to all my life's question depends on it.

Alanis morisette's "Everything" was playing on the radio.
"...you see everything u see every part
you see all my light and u love my dark..."

I imagine him somewhere, singing this song, devoting every word to me. His declaration of love bursting.
Great... now im having hallucinations.

"...and you're still here."
Yeah... i'm still here.