arrrrggh.

this days tops my most stressful day ever.
nagpass ng first draft sa thesis.
yung mentor namin, sinusuka na kami.
siyeters.
ano ba, we're not that bad.
we're trying our best.

ngayon nga lang ako napupuyat ng ganito.
sobrang laki na todohan ang eyebags ko.
hindi na nakakatuwa.
pero kaya to..
hindi ako magpapatalo.
hindi ako magpapa-apekto.


pahinga.
kailangan ko ng pahinga..
un lang
konting pahinga lang.

and id be okay.

***
mind over matter
mind over matter
mind over matter

How is life on the other side
how is it like to be without the
usual
typical
illusional
difficult
me
How is life on the other side
I'm not even sure if I still remember how you
did you change at all
did you cut your hair
are you still in touch with that
old perfume you used to wear
life the usual
typical
illusional
difficult
you just you
speak to me
I don't know what to expect
speak to me
alone and out of breath
speak to me
I don't have anything left
speak to me
oh speak to me
I wish I could tell you how I've been
I wish I could tell you everything
everything
do you even know what you're fighting for
coz I cant remember
I cant see it anymore
Pretending Im fine
Im happy can't you see
who gives a fuck about HTML
Im lying through my teeth
why won't we
comeback
why wont we
comeback
-A tear
spongecola

+++

for the nth time,
i can't keep myself from doing another blog entry about him.
maybe because, he's been creepin on my mind since.
i said, happily to ava, that i'm gettin by.
i'm finally forgetting.
or so i thought.
and for how many times have i heard myself saying this,
"i'm moving on."
well, i am.
I AM.
its just.. hard.

i know there's nothing left to hold on to.
i know it's over, we're over.
i know now where to stand.
siya na mismo ang may sabi, hindi nya nako mahal.
i know that i'm not the one for him.
i know that i can't ever compare
to those that really had changed his life.
i know i am just someone in his past.
and will remain as that.
i know too much, it kills me.

if there's more..
the memory of him still lingers.
and i am doing my all,
just to push him away from everything that is me.

i'm laughing.
greatful for what i have.
happy? yes i am.
pero kulang..
hndi ko alam kung bakit
pero kulang..
and i don't want to feel incomplete.
i can alreasy hear myself saying
"you're complete.
and you don't need anybody para ma-feel yun.
ano ka ba?"
kulang lang cguro yung saya
kulang lang cguro, dahil na-mimiss ko sya..

what hurts the most is when finally you realized
you we're just someone.
just someone.
that while he still occupies what seems to be the biggest part of you,
you, on the other hand, is just another page of his life.
masayang basahin, masarap balikan,
pero hanggang dun nalang.

i have the tendency to repeat myself.
repeat. repeat. repeat.
have mercy on me.

****
pasensya na sa mkakabasa. pauli-ulit na ba. blogs are supposed to be your outlet. kailangan lang mailabas.

hide me now under your wings.
cover me with your mighty hands.
when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with you above the storm.

Father you are king over the flood
I will be still,
know you are God.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know his power
in quiteness and trust.

+++

"since when, did everything get so complicated?"

i suddenly thought of the things that really mattered to me.

family.
they are the ones who will always be around. kahit mag-asawa ka pa, at makahanap ng sangkaterbang barkada, ang pamilya pa rin ang uuwian mo sa gabi. at kahit gaano ka kasama, kahit gaano ka kabulok, kahit na gaano ang pagka-alingasaw ng lahat ng kapangitan mo, matatanggap ka nila. Hindi na magbabago yun, kadugo ka. kakabit sila sa lahat ng pag-angat at pagbagsak mo.

friends.
sila ang absorber ng lahat ng kalokohan mo. ang takbuhan. ang taga-payo. ang taga batok, kapag napapriwara ka na naman. sila ang cheer-upper. at sila rin ang kaunting mga tao na nagpaparamdam sa iyo, na mahalaga at kailangan ka nila. it feels great to need and to be needed. a reason maybe it feels that you are "being", and that you are of some use in this quite-oh-so-confusing-world. i usually view the world positively. that evrythin happens cause you will learn something from it, and all those blah-blah's. But like any others, there moments wherein you see the world as crap creeps in. And friends, well they're the ones who pull you back to the wonderful side of the world. Sila, sa maraming pagkakataon, ang rason ng kasiyahan mo. at sa mga bilang na sitwasyon, sila rin ang rason ng kalungkutan mo. Ayaw mong nasasaktan sila, dahil ayaw mong nadedehado ang ni isa man sa kanila, marahil na rin cguro dahil kaisa ka sa lahat ng nararamdaman nila. Mahirap mawalan ng kaibigan.

studies.
importante sa akin, dahil ayokong mapahiya sa mga magulang ko. ayokong ma-disapoint sila. ayokong mapunta lang sa wala ang lahat ng pinag-papaguran nila. importante kse may mga panahon na hndi lang ako ang nka-depende sa grades na tumutumbas sa mga gnagawa ko. importante sa kin, dahil dto nakasalalay ang maaring pag-unlad o pagbagsak ko. nakadepende ang magiging kabuhayan ko sa dalawang numero at tuldok na isasaad sa course card kada magtatapos ang isang term. i can't afford to fail another class. magastos. nakakahiya na. nakakaloko ka na. bka gusto mong ipatapon ka na sa kung saan man na ewan ko, basta siguradong hindi masaya.

love. romantic love.
Importante nga ba to? Ewan ko.. Ewan ko na naman. Minsan naisip ko, minsan, na lagi, na minsan.. na ewan! Naiisip ko, eh puro sakit lang naman ang napapala ko. pero syempre i-ccontradict ko na nman ang sarili ko at sasabihing, masaya rin naman. MASAYA AT MASARAP. Importante, dahil nakakaramdam ako ng ibang feeling maliban sa walang malisyang pakikipag-tawanan, kwentuhan, pag-aalalala, at pag-aalaga sa mga kaibigan. IBA. Kakaiba yung feeling. para kang high, NKA-TAKE. ADIK. pero dito, hndi ilegal. at hndi kailangan ng pera. 'Yun nga lang marami ka rin ma-iinvest. pero okay lang, in some ways importante pa rin.

health.
cguro paminsan. OO, importante. mahirap mamatay. hndi lang mahirap. AYOKO PA TALAGA. kaya nga li-low tlga ko sa pag-iisoy. nakakatakot, bka mabuhay ang mga cancer cells ko. marami pa kong gustong gawin, gustong maramdaman. gustong maranasan.

relasyon kay God.
importante, pero hndi ko napag-tutuunan ng pansin. importante dahil kung wala nito, cgurado, i will be nothing but a lost soul. Lost, dahil ano pang halaga kung wala ka rin namang kinikilalang Dyos. Ang yabang naman kung iisipin mong lahat ng bagay ay ayon lamang sa tao, at random na pag-swerve ng atoms sa mundo. Ang yabang nman kung hindi man lang matutong magpasalamat, at magsisi sa mga kalokohang intensyon at hndi intensyon na ginagawa mo. Cguro nga kaya ako Lost. Lost, dahil hindi ko makuhang bigyan ng panahon ang daan patungo sa tunay na kasiyahan.

me
to make myself better.
to reach my potentials.
basta gusto ko yun. importante din yun. Importante dahil i can only share what i have. and if i have nothing, de wla pla akong maitutulong sa iba.

***
haaay pagod na akong maging Lost.
ayoko na rin ng mga awkward moments.
ayoko nang mag-isip ng mga bagay na wala rin namang kahahantungan.
ayoko nang mag-break ng promises, sa mga taong mahal ko, at sa sarili ko.
gusto kong maibalik yung dati.

ayoko ng sayangin ang mga oras.

ang mga samahan.

ang mga importanteng bagay na noon pa ay dapat binigyan ko na ng halaga.

sad...

may mga pangyayari tlga na bigla nalang.

at itatanong mo nlang kung

bakit,
paano,

naging ganoon ang mga bagay bagay..

sana kaya kong ibalik yung dati.

it's so refreshing seeing you again. it filled all the empty spaces that we never get to satisfy. since you were always there, and i was always here. but as always, you never fail to brighten up even the loneliest of days, the ridges of our life still fits with each other. ang galing-galing mong kaibigan, coz you're one of those few that lasts. salamat sa presence mo. salamat at sa mahabang panahon, ay nandyan ka pa rin. salamat at walang nagbago.. ikaw pa rin yung dating nakilala ko.