"what the world really needs is more love and less paper work."
-Pearl Bailey

bakit ganon.. pakiramdam ko,
ako yung kontrabida..
sa pagkakaalam ko.. wala naman akong ginawa..
wala naman akong dinehado..

wala rin naman akong sinisisi.
alam ko anman na walang may kasalanan sa nagyari.
tanggap ko naman ang lahat.
hindi ko rin naman ipinipilit na makibahagi pa sa mundong hindi na akin.

pero masama ba..
masama bang masaktan.
maramot na ba..
kugn naisin ko mang angkinin ang mga ala-alang noon ay amin lang.

pasesnsya ka na,
kung hindi kita kinamayan.
pasensya ka na,
kung kulang pa yung ngiting ibinigay ko.
pasensya ka na,
kung nasasaktan pa rin ako.
hindi naman ako perpekto..
hindi lang ako kasing lakas ng inaakala ninyo.

IT's GOOD TO BE IN LOVE
-frou frou

I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over




You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying
about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do

Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

Happy you're in love
Happy you're in love
I'm happy you're in love

why do you always have to ask the hardest questions.

i'm miserable with you.
i'm miserable without you.

---
i wanted to be yours and yours forever,
but i'm starting to feel like i'm becoming my own enemy.

you make me thread on a divided road,
one leading to your demise, one leading to mine.
either way i'm bound to lose.
so where do i go?

tell me please,
where should i go?

Fine!
Fine!
Fine!
Fine!

sometimes you can be so frustrating..
you're this hard shell, i can't crack..
nakakainis ka..

usual day at work..

i come in (hopefully not late)
check my e-mails.
check my bookings if already confirmed.
and do some serious dalpos (do all things possible for confirming bookings)



"Dalpo Pleeeeaaaaase, Ms. Rc. May OEC na, ready for ticketing."
*i give my biggest smile*
"Sure."


*i cross my fingers and hope the agent won't cancel*

sabi sa Bible study kanina..

All things will pass..
money.. beauty.. fame..
even the people who loves you, or the people you love..
will pass.
but only the Lord, your God will stay with you for all eternity.

another chit chat i think worth sharing.
itago nalang natin sila sa pangalang boy and girl.

***

boy: happy-yappy-happy-woooooooooooo! *smiles*
at least for a moment there i was happy.
and then it hit me....
boy: ano na naman drama yan ha ha ha
girl: well.. ewan.. mejo baliw ako nung time na yan..
hehehhe
boy: mga blogger talaga exhibitionist ng emotions
girl: ahahahahahah. wont hurt anyone
boy: yeah...
boy: you know I once had a blog dyan sa blogspot
girl: o ano nangyari
boy: but I kinda cancelled it
girl: why?
boy: well a friend of mine read my first entry
boy: sabi nya I sounded like I still love my first love after all these years, eh I kinda read it nga. baka may makabasa and think otherwise
girl: really.. he said that..
boy: yeah.. but what I WROTE LANG NAMAN IS HOW i MET MY FIRST LOVE
girl: sayang. hehe diko mababasa. pero oo nga bka mag create ng unwanted commotions
boy: sabi nya reading it, my use of words
parang ang lakas pa ng feelings ko daw ek ek
boy: kaya yan ang problema ng mga blogger, exhibitionist. gusto ipaalam sa mundo feelings nya
girl: hahaha
girl: well not all feelings
girl: since alam mo na may makakbasa na iba.. may mga bagay na dimo nilalagay
boy: well most of it
girl: i have one blog pero di sya open for viewing.
boy: kinda cyber diary
girl: yup.. minsan kse mas nkakapagisip pag nagtytype..
boy: but yung blog entry I kinda kept it
boy: sayang kasi
girl: penge pabasa :) para malaman natin kugn tlgang kahina hinala
boy: sige pabasa ko sayo. paki correct ng grammar. hahaha.
boy: but of cors I hide it from my girlfriend. baka magalit
girl: naku eh kung mabasa
boy: its just a short story I wrote years ago
*girl reading the blog entry*
girl: woah...
girl: haba nga..
girl: hehe..
boy: short story nga eh
girl: heheheh, teka wag ka magulo nagbabasa ako.
boy: ha ha ha
girl: 5th grade.. cute
boy: oh yeah, read it... mababaw lang yan
boy: pop goes my heart
*finishes*
girl: i guess it was the last line that sealed the "im-still-not-over-with-my-first-love" vibe.
boy: siguro.
boy: naging kami nung high school. senior, but she left me for her dreams
girl: ahh yun pla eh
boy: the usual chuva chuva, then nagkita kami nung highschool sa intramuros
boy: yung sequel medyo dark. actually painful
boy: ha ha
boy: kasi its like I keep chasing her. eventhough she love me... parang I keep losing her
boy: until... yung nga...
girl: awww.. damnit.
girl: bloggers.
boy: well you'll never forget your first...
girl: hehehe. true. true.
boy: siya buminyag sa puso mo eh
girl: first cut is the deepest..
boy: I think I still love her...
boy: in some youthful bitter sweet way, eventhough Im with my GF na
boy: and she's with someone else as well
boy: she's still embedded inside of me...
girl: hmmmm.. depends on anong klaseng love..
boy: oh yeah...
girl: siguro kse she reminds you of youth.. mas okay kse nung bata
boy: love is always subjective, suggestive, provacative, insipid
girl: laidback..
boy: of course. and care free...
boy: that love will keep us alive thing
girl: haaaaaay reminiscing..
boy: that we against the world
boy: you jump I jump thing
boy: ha ha ha
boy: so many things you can write about love
girl: sabi nga nila.. once you love, you never stop.
boy: lecheng pagibig to
girl: *chuckles*
boy: you know sometimes.. she would call....
girl: you still keep in touch?
boy: and strange may it sounds or feel.. I think we still have it... but better off hiding it...
girl: onaman.
girl: but.. you know.. i think.. its different with her.. and with your gf..
boy: siguro....
boy: its different
boy: ewan...
girl: kse maybe with her its a feeling of more calm.. more free.. kse you met her when everything is just so so simple.. i mean oo mahirap magin teen.. pero its way way hard to be an adult..
girl: mas complicated..
boy: oo naman...
girl: so i think, thats why everytime you think about her.. its reminds you of a simpler life.. its a good.. nice.. refreshing feeling..
boy: syempre parang time machine yun
girl: yeah. hehehhehe
girl: exactly.. time machine
boy: exactly
girl: magandang metaphor yan
boy: absolutely
boy: hayy...
girl: hehe.
boy: kinda miss her tuloy
girl: haaaay.. tsk tsk. tama na yan.
girl: hehe
boy: ha ha ha
girl: the past makes us who we are
girl: but the present,
girl: that's what will keep us going on.. and on.. and on.
boy: fist love will never die ek ek
girl: chuva
girl: para sakin, its more of.. true loves (no matter how many) never dies.
boy: hahaha
girl: all great love of a person's life leaves a mark. but that doesnt mean, one cannot grow with someone else or is not capable of giving greater love for the one who's willing to receive it and reciprocate it.
girl: ayun.. nagpaka-PWET (poet) na naman ako
girl: anyway.. sarap lang magpaka sensitive at times.
girl: hehe
boy: ayos yan :)
girl: an alternative from a world full of hard boiled eggs
boy: gaga
girl: hahahah
boy: pero oo nga.

*end*

kse ung the rest off-topic na.
wla lang just something to ponder on.

12 Things i should have done before the year 2008 ends.

1. Learn to cook. - para naman lalong swertehen ang future hubby ko.

2. Matuto sa mga short-cut at pasikot-sikot sa mga daanan at kalsada. - kelangan yun para pag magtataxi ako, alam ko na kung san padadaanin.

3. Mag-scuba diving. - hindi ako marunong lumangoy. pero okay lang, may oxygen tank naman. :)

4. Mag-travel ulit. - either sa Cagayan De Oro, or Camiguin.

5. Makabili ng DigiCam. - san kaya ako kukuha ng pambile...

6. Get Fit. - a healthy body equals a healthy mind.

7. A better, stronger and closer relationship with God. - papakabait nako.. promise..

8. Help change someone's life. - its a great great feeling when you know someone breathes even a lil bit better because of you.

9. Try to be on time. - mahirap, pero gagawin ko.

10. Discover a new Talent. - kahit ano, basta kelangan pag may nagtanogn kugn anogn talent ko, may masasagot ako.

11. Love my work. - sabi nga nila, "Pick a job you like, and you'll never work a day in your Life." I hope i find it.

12. LOve and Be Loved. - basta yun na yun.. hehe..

happy-yappy-happy-woooooooooooo! *smiles*

at least for a moment there i was happy.



mejo bad trip lang kse minigraine ako nung gabi.
di ko tuloy masyadong na-enjoy yung PhP150 t-bone na inorder ko sa steak md. (ang mahal ah!)
it's a good thing, umipekto kaagad yung chocolate na bigay ni jac at dolfenal na binili ko
and in no time, i was well and back to my old makulit self.

haaaaay.. it was a fun year-ender party
mejo sad lang kse hindi kumpleto.
pero still masaya pa rin kse dami ko nakuhang gift.
hehehe..

love you forever and ever girls!!!

and then it hit me.

it's not that worth it anymore.

it was a refreshing feeling..
like waking up on the dawn of a new day.

i'm giddy to start life.
again.
:)

i saw it coming.
i knew she would come.

he said he wanted to see me
and i believed him.

andaya mo..
sumira ka na naman sa usapan..
you're always the first to break team.
tapos wala na naman akong magagawa..
hindi ko pa rin makuhang magalit sayo.

****

hindi ko alam kung bakit
pero ang dami talagang tungeks na lalaki sa mundo ngayon.
pauwi nako galing megamall *salamat sami, sa pagsama*
nang may nakasabay akong dalawang lalaki.
"pare.. hindi ko mapigilan, binuksan ko agad yung gift nya.. na-excite ako eh.. pare.. ang sweet, natunaw ako. tinext ko agad, sabi ko.. i dont think i deserve this, hindi mo naman ako bf.. nakakahiya.. tapos nagreply sya, if you dont think you deserve it.. then earn it.. pare, diko na-gets.. ano ibig sabihin nun??"

nagtawanan lang sila.

tungeks.
edi ibig sabihin, manligaw ka.. woo her.. be deserving by being the guy for her.
tungeks tlga..
tsk tsk tsk.
haaaaaaays.. boys.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....
this is my first christmas that doesn't feel like it's christmas.

i did my usual christmas gift giving.
it always brighthens my mood, and gives that special ooomphff in the season.
natuwa naman sila, which is a good thing.
its a warm feeling, kahit mejo naubos tlga ang pera ko..
hahaha.
naguhong pangarap na talaga ung digicam ko..

work is stressful lately..
well what's new.
Jacq and I have to hit a target,
a seem to be impossible target.
and we're running out of time.

cross my fingers, and hope for a miracle.

(pasok ako tom, volunteer pasok, just to hit our quota, which i hope will be fruitful)
goodluck to me.

pero bakit kaya ganun..
parang iba tlga ngayon..
okay naman ako.
buhay pa.
kaya pa.
masaya naman ang karamihan,
masaya naman sila..
..hindi lang ako ganung kasaya.

just got home from shopping.
ang bilis talaga umagos ng pera palabas ng bulsa..
nung isang araw lang, hawak hawak ko ang buong thirteenth month pay ko.
it's not much, pero laking tuwa ko tlga nung nailabas ko na ung pera sa atm machine.
naisip ko:
sa wakas, may pambili nako ng digi cam.
konting dagdag nalang.. okey na.
nung tumingin ako ng masuwereng mapipiling camera..
kulang.
abot hanggang dalawampung libo ang presyo.
malayo pa ang lalakbayin ng kapal ng wallet ko.

kaya ayun..
naisipan kong mamili na lang ng regalo para sa pasko.
okay naman.
hindi pa covered ang lahat pero magaganda anman ang nabili ko..
yun nga lang, parang ilang segundo lang din ang pag-impis ng wallet ko.

haaaaaays..
makapag-wrap na nga lang ng gifts!

8 days to go!

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
we survived it.
the committee survived the night.

sabi nga namin ni cams:
never again!

ito lang yata ang christmas party na gusto kong matapos agad.
at syempre,
my christmas party wont be the same
without me receiving a disapointing exchange gift (mangkok na may takip) and raffle prize (payong).

haaaayayay!!


pero in a nutshell, it was a success.
di naman kami masyadong nagkalat..
kumanta lang naman ako.

hehehe.

you, me.. and five bucks.

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

i've learned to smile now..
dati kse..
may makita lang ako ng picture nila na magkasama,
i felt like my heart's being crushed into pieces.
i never thougth it could literally feel like that..
na parang nadudurog ng dahan dahan yung puso ko..
tapos tutulo nalang ang luha.
wala akong magawa eh..
wala akong karapatan na manghingi..

but that was then.

now..
i've learned to smile, and be happy for him..
napangiti ako..
because he looked so happy in one of their pictures together.
and the thought of that calmed my heart..


***

went to baron's wake, razel's loved one.
i wanted to comfort her and hug her.
i know there's nothing i can say that can make her feel better
from losing someone she deeply loves.

kahit hindi ako yung nawalan..
randam ko and sakit at hirap na dinadanas ni raze, at ng pamilya nila..
no one deserves this kind of pain..
but we all have to get through it..

maikli lang ang buhay..
ilang beses na ba nating napatunayan yun..
pero hindi pa rin natin niyayakap ang bawat araw ng pagkakataon na binibigay sa atin..

i dont want to find myself at the end of the road saying..
"i'm not ready.."
i dont want regrets for all the lost time..
for all the what ifs..
for all the memories not shared..
for all the sorrys unsaid..
for all the thankyous unheard..
and for all the iloveyous not shown..

i hope in my soul,
and i pray..
that the people close to my heart
live a life with no regrets.
a life experiencing God.
a life with hope. and faith. and trust.
and Love.

i'm missing old friends...

medz.. dandan.. ivy.. kel.. nikka..
aj.. crystal..

almira.. jani.. aie.. donna.. tina..


oj..

i am proud of my dad.

he has been in service for 13years.
3years as kagawad.
and 10years as a Barangay Captain.
and through all those years,
i have seen how he have grown into a wonderful person.
He became a great leader,
a compassionate friend,
a servant of God.













i am so proud of my father
and i am honored that i am called as her daughter.

haaaaaaaaaaaaay..
i've never been so broke like i am right now.

i cashed out 3,600 from my atm.
that's the whole bulk of it.
my two weeks of sweat and blood.

i have to pay Marian PhP2,950 due 3oth of Oct.
great, that leaves me 650.
ate a 50 peso sandwhich at LKG,
bought myself a 150 worth of eye glasses (it's so cheap i just had to buy it, only need to change the lenses),
55 bucks for my shuttle ride home.
the next day..
borrowed a hundred from my sister.
43 bucks for my jeep and shuttle ride to work,
ate a double cheeseburger meal at mc do for 90 (starving!),
35 bucks on my way home,
shell out PhP260 for my tithes (kulang pa nga ng 100 pa dapat),
and for my guilty pleasure, 100 for my Globe load.
(-33) pa. extra money ang pang dagdag.

haaaaaaays..
need money.
Lord, help me.

You Would Not Pick Your Boyfriend Again!

When you and your boyfriend first met, things were different. And now that the initial chemistry has worn off, you're finding that he's not right for you. As much as it hurts, you know that you need to let him go - and find someone worthy of your love. The good news is, you can be happier. You just have to make it happen.

Would You Pick Him Again?

after adding me to friendster (which i accepted),
tin sent me a message saying "hi"

is she being nice
or is she doing this to spite me?

hindi ko alam..
ayoko nang mag-isip.
ayoko nang makaramdam ng kahit anong galit..
nang inggit..
o nang sakit..
i've had more than enough of my share of pain and heartaches,
ayoko nang dagdagan pa.

i loved him, and i cannot change the reality that maybe i'll always will.
my letting go phase is long over due.
it's nearly 8 months since then.
haha.. sobrang tagal na..

but i know that i'm okay now.
i'm going to be alright.
that realization came when my nights stopped being such a torture,
and i was able to sleep with my pillow dry.
i seldom cry now (i still do sometimes but only when i miss him terribly).


my friends kept on telling me.
"ano ba ola,
siya pa rin ba, sobrang tagal na nyan ah."
*chuckles* kahit ako, natatawa nalang sa sarili ko.

hindi na sya.
he's no longer the person that i want to be with and have 5 kids with.
he's no longer the face i see myself growing old with.
hindi ko na pinipilit na gawin sya ang tao na yun.

pero mahal ko pa rin sya.
he was my squishy.
at kahit anong gawin ko,
he will always be this one person who became a big part of who i was.
he has always been my life.
and now my life is living a life of his own.

and i guess that is enough for me to be happy.. for him.
for the past years, all i do was to search a way for him to feel that happiness.

he found his way back.

now it's time for me to find my own.

Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora.
it has the most fine sand i've ver laid my feet on.
we went beach hopping.
gone snorkeling, and fed the little fishies.
experience water crashing to our feet while parau sailing.
watched breath taking sunsets.
burried our feet and made sand crocs.
sunbathe.
wore braids and bikinis.
shopped pasalubongs (till we dropped).
munched on food like queens.
sipped our favorite Jonahs' shakes.
watched endless 24/7 PBB.
and
took beautiful pictures together having a blast.
Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora.

my boss asked me to see him in the conference room.
syet.. may kasalanan na naman ba ko..
i closed the door and silently prayed for a life saver.
please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeaaaassse...
do not let this be my demise.

*whew*
he's approving my vacation leave.
i was waiting for this since the moment I passed my VL form
alas.
Bora, here I come!!! :)

"Ola.. i also need to talk to you about one more thing.."
there was a hesitation in his voice.
my throat felt dry, as i squinted and covered my mouth with my big notebook
"uh.. is it about my lates?..."
He chuckled..
"No, but i'll addressed that some other time.. How was your trip to crame?
Crame.
the slight thought of the place disgusts me.
it's the only place where i felt like i was treated unfairly.
it felt like they already have this notion of me being a criminal
and one little mistake could be my ticket to prison.

"Okay naman, sir.. It was quite an experience. I was a bit nervous at first, but at the end i was laughing all about it."
He chuckled again. Another hesitation..
"I hate to be the one to tell you this.. but.. you failed the exam.."
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????
I cannot believe what I've just heard.
How can I possibly fail it??
"You'll have to go there, and re-take the test.."
I looked at my boss with worried eyes.
not sure if he noticed, but i felt my eyes watering.
I shrugged it off by laughing.
How in the world did that happen...
he assured me that the management is not treating the lie detector exam as a basis of pin-pointing of who's the culprit.
but even though he kept on feeding me with comforting words,
it still feels like I was put in a man-hole
and I can't seem to find my way out.

*sigh*
great, just great.
*sigh*
itawa mo nalang.
at least, I still have my (pampalubag loob) vacation leave.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity.
You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.
Fear of failure,
fear of rejection,
sometimes the fear is just of making a decision,
because what if you're wrong?
What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost.
We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,
heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.
We have to make our own mistakes.
We have to learn our own lessons.
We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.
Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant.
That knowing is better than wondering,
that waking is better than sleeping,
and even the biggest failure,
even the worst,
beat the hell out of never trying.

-Meredith Grey "Grey's Anatomy

there was still a prick in my heart.
when i read on how you longed to be with her and hold her hand,
the way she brightens your every day,
and the way she seem to make you feel complete.

maybe it hurts, because i know.. that someone is not me.
and a part of me just can't seem to accept that.
but i guess the good new is
a big part of me is happy... finally.

happy because you have fallen in love.
and you are living your life once again.
it is my hope for you to find that gift.
and i pray for you to never lose it.

you have always been my fire, j.
i have loved you from the very start.
and i'll always will.

i miss you.

"hi, i think this will be my very first testimonial for you... actually i was compelled to write something really moving about you, but even the dictionary wasn't able to give me such words to describe you and your personality. i find it weird, and hard to believe that you could stare at me and never get tired, talk with me over the phone without having any specific topic at all, yet contented to spend lots of time on the phone. i can't see what's the thing about me that amazes you, and things you want to know more about me. i don't know why you want to hold me near you, i don't know what you see in my eyes... but this i know i'll do... i will never ever leave you... and this i know is true... i will always love you..."

-13March2005 12:19pm



a testimonial i got from squishy 2years ago.
God, it has been that long..

Oj has always been a big part of my life.
And he still is.
kahit hindi na kami nagkikita
or nakakapag-usap katulad ng dati.
*smile* naalala ko..
halos araw araw kaming magkasama.
kahit pagod sa trabaho..
kahit walang pera.
kung bad trip.
kung masaya.
takbuhan namin ang isat-isa.

na-miss ko yun.

ngayon, may kanya kanya na kaming mundo..
at may mga panahon pa rin na hindi ko mapigilan
isipin kung kamusta na siya..

He has always been my baby.
i never called him that before
but he was.
i was always protective of him.
tnanong nya sa testi nya kung anong nakita ko sa kanya..
and this is what i saw..
i saw "HIM"
a little boy yearning for love.
not every one may understand him.
and he may be hard to crack..
but behind his great big wall, i saw a little child.
who was just afraid..
who was alone..
who needed someone to comfort him and be there for him.
Me?
well, i just know that i was led there for a reason.
so i took him in,
with open arms.

there were no regrets.

i have been very blessed with friends and family.

narealize ko.. ang malas ko talaga, pagdating sa love life.
lahat puro tagilid.
pero pagdating sa kaibigan at pamilya,
para akong nanalo sa lotto.

ganun siguro tlga.
hindi pwedeng lahat na sayo.
(pagbigyan naman daw yung iba)

haaaaay kaya kung minsan..
kung broken hearted.
itawa nalang.
lumabas.
kumain.
makipag kwentuhan sa mga kaibigan, kapatid, nanay, tatay, pinsan.

akala mo katapusan na ng mundo.
pero hindi pala.
may iba pang mga tao na dapat mo ring pasalamatan
na dapat ring ipagdiwang dahil nandyan sila sa buhay mo.

wag ka nang umiyak
sa mundong pabago bago
pag-ibig ko ay totoo
ako ang iyong bangka
kung magalit man ang alon ng panahon
sabay tayong aahon

kung wala ka nang maintindihan
kung wala ka nang makapitan
kumapit ka sa akin
kapit ka sa akin
hindi kita bibitawan

wag ka nang umiyak
mahaba man ang araw
uuwi ka sa yakap ko
wag mo nang damdamin
kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
at kung pakiramdam mo
ay wala ka nang kakampi
isipin mo ako
dahil puso't isip ko'y na sa 'yong tabi

-sugarfree

i felt the Lord's arms embracing me..
my eyes welled up as i realized,
God has always been present in my life.
i kept on running after things, or searching for an event that will change my every day.
i want peace..
i want contentment..
i want my heart to jump in exuberating joy.
and then i felt Him saying..
"here i am..."

just watched "My Bestfriend's Wedding" an all-time favorite chick flick.

ever loved someone so bad, but then you recognized that you just have to let go and give up?
"i woke up and i realized, that the world is just as it should be."
a line from the movie.







iyon dapat ang mangyari.
ito dapat ang mangyari.
the beautiful world will go on,
whether or not the love we have given is reciprocated.
and that's just how it is.

"As alwys u bring out d best in evrybdy. I
hav nver found anyone els so charmng &
encompassng as u are. Ur evrthing that I
evr wantd and evn mor. I remembr
blissflly d way ur eyes sparkle & shine
lyk ur alwys seein me for d first tym, d
way u let out a contagious laugh wen I
tell a joke, d way u do thngs my way, d
way ur hands alwys find its way to my
hands, d way ur breath lingers in my
ear, d way u brush my hair w/ur fingers,
d way ur lips fits perfectly into mine, d
way u will alwys b you, and I will alwys
be me wen were together, d way the
sun alwys seem to shine wen Im w/
you, and d way the rainy days bcom
bearable bcoz of u, d way ur voice
bcoms d song in my heart, and ur touch
d healing stroke of heaven on earth, d
way you make me want to be better,
and see more of what life has to offer
with you by my side.
With all my heart, I shout with might. I
love you. i love you.
I am crazy in love w/ you.
And theres no turnin back. U will hav
my heart as long as you wud want me
to."


-14January2005

i was re-living again our memories.
or i guess, my memories of him.
siguro hindi nya na ako naiisip.
i still can't help but to check on him from time to time.
ang hirap kse pag nakasanayan mo na.

i was re-reading some of my testimonials for him at friendster.
i was so inlove.. *smiles*

i have no regrets in loving him.
kse alam ko kahit papano..
napasaya ko rin sya.

"sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po."

***

kabado ako sobra nung pagpasok ko sa room.
ineexpect ko na ang makikita ko:
madilim at may isang nakasinding bumbilya na nakasabit lang
tapos may dalawang mamang pulis, na kapwa nag-aabang sa akin.
isang naninigarilyo, at isang may hawak na baril.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*

first time kong magpapa lie detector test.
inihanda ko na ang sarili sa pagbukas ko ng pinto.

"pumasok ka na sa loob." sabi sakin ng babaeng pulis.

hmpf, ang sunget.

lumuwag ang hinga ko nang makita kong maliwanag naman pla sa loob.
*buntong hininga*
white light.
at isa lang ang pulis.
may isang silya, roon na namukud tangi.
sa totoo lang mukha syang electric chair.
kulay brown.
may sandalan at arm rest din na malapad.
sa tabing kanan nito ang polygraph machine.

Diz iz it.



****

relax lang.
wag hihinga ng malalim.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
wag pag lalaruan o kakagatin ang bibig.
wag lulunok.
wag igagalaw ang kamay, ang paa.
wag lilingon, wag iikot ang tingin.
tumingin lang ng diretso, eye level.

sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po.

hindi na kailangang tumungo, pag sumagot ng opo.
hindi na kailangang umiling, pag sumagot ng hindi po.

makinig ng mabuti sa mga tanong.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
relax.

Relax?
mahirap yatang mag-relax habang sinasabihan ka ng mga katagang ganun.
habang kinakalma ang sarili.
habang iniisip mo kung paano hindi masyadong lumunok.
at kung paano panonormalin ang paghinga.
sakto, pasmado pa ako.

ang hirap nito.
think happy thoughts.

***

mga apat na beses nilang inulit yung set ng mga tanong.
kaya pla ganun yung mga napapanood ko sa tv.
lahat seryoso.
hindi maka-ngisi.
hindi maka-basag pinggan.
lahat takot na baka maapektuhan ang resulta ng test.

gusto ko sanang magpapicture.
habang kumpletong nakakabit sa akin ang lahat ng aparato para sa test.
kaya lang, pinapatay ni ateng pulis yung cellphone ko.

sayang.

nabasa ko na naman ang mga sulat ni nikka.
nkakatuwa talaga sya.
nakaka-engganyo magkwento.
pakiramdam ko, parang nasa harap ko lang siya at sinasabi ang bawat yugto ng buhay nya.
nakakatuwa.
nakaka-miss.
nkakainggit.

sabi nga nya,
and to quote her:
"kung gusto, magagawan ng paraan iyan. Hindi ko pa lang alam kung anong diskarte ang gagawin ko."

pagdating kse sa diskarte, hirap ako.
ang hirap mag decide.
mahirap aksyonan yung mga bagay na pinagdesisyonan mo,
lalo na kung takot kang malaman ang resulta.

yun naman o..
para sayo.

:)

uwi ka na.

sabi nga ng isang kakilala ko,
"kung baga sa paglalakad.. makakarating din tayo sa pupuntahan natin.
may mga bagay na hindi kailangang madaliin.."
hehe..
sa totoo lang medyo nahirapan ako dun.
yun kase ang problema sakin,
sugod agad.

padalos dalos,
kaya ayun laging sumusubsob.

pero tama sya dun..
hindi lahat nadadaan sa mabilisan.
hindi lahat pinipilit mahinog.
may mga bagay na may tamang oras

perfect timing.
tamang pagkakataon.

when does one stops caring?

i was doing a fairly well job on moving forward with my life.
i have my family, i have my friends.
although i lost him, i've learned to accept our fate.
there are just things in life that are not meant to be.
sometimes you just have to learn to let go.

but when does one really stops caring?
does it ever end?
or do you just go on pretending you don't care,
but inside you worry,
too much that it hurts so bad.



***

ilang beses ko na bang sinabi na ayoko na.
makailang beses na siguro..

pero hindi pa rin madala.
hindi ko pa rin maialis yung pakiramdam ng pag-aalala,
na gusto kong maging okay sya.

Had super fun when we were in ilocos!
we ate the famous egado and ilocos longganisa and empanada.
yum!
frolicked along the beach of pagudpod.
seen magnificent old churches,
experienced the windmills,
went on top of the lighthouse and viewed the world.

i love you girls!
mmwah!

"long hair is prettier for you."

it's been almost a year since i last heard that.
guess i miss that.
having someone you'd need to ask preference from.

*sigh*

magkukulot muna ko.
na-miss ko na to.
yung parang hawak ko lahat ng oras ko.
nung mga araw na may panahon pako sa mga tulad nito.



its'a been a month since i've been with the sales team.
kailangan ko nang mag-bear brand.. *kapagod*
(yung mga naka-gets nung joke, tumawa nalang)

naiyak ako nung isang araw sa pagod.
alam ko, i was such a girl for even crying,
but it hit me.
i felt alone, and tired, and restless.
and there's no one i can turn to.

ang drama..
ika nga ng isang kakilala ko.
ang drama ko.
ang drama ko daw?
ehhhh.. wla akong pakialam.
masarap magdrama eh.. hehe.

dlawang tao lang ang nagsabi sakin nun.
si oj at yung kakilala kong yun.

usually pag sinasabi sakin ni oj yun.
nagpapantig ang tenga ko.
dahil hindi pag-ddrama ang pag-express ng nararamdaman.
pero nung narining ko ulit sa iba
yun ba, madrama ba tlga?

hehe. lalake kse kayo.