bicol express

i remember back in gradeschool when our teachers used to bring us to the library and let us borrow one book and read it for a week.
each of us would come running to the nearest table where the librarians scattered all types of readables for kids.
comic books, adventure books, sweet valley kids, fairy tales..
of course, i would always lay my hands on the big bulky ones, where i can read as much as i want in just one book.
i would have a big smile plastered on my face and from then on count the hours till i have to go home and read my treasure.


* * *


i've stumbled upon a story book when i was sleeping over at a friend's house.
she has this outsized book compiled with different children stories.
i smiled at the sight of it.
i've always wanted to have one when i was young, hopeful, and imaginative.

i browsed through it, and came across with The Velveteen Rabbit by McCarthy Cybrary.

here's a peek of the story:



THERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.

There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges and a toy engine, and chocolate almonds and a clockwork mouse, but the Rabbit was quite the best of all.

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

* * *


Isn't that wonderful?
To feel Real.
to have someone see you as you are.
to have someone see you beyond your tattered fur and worn-out seams.
To be Real.
is to feel every thing.
to experience it all.
joy. love. loneliness. pain.
and then it would all be worth it.
because you know
you've done it all.
and you were Real.

there was still this inkling of pain when i talked to him.

after such a long time (months), i still feel the way i feel for him when i last saw his face.

we can't even have a decent conversation.

its either him being a jerk, or me being a lovesick puppy waiting for him to take me back.

but i do miss him.

so.

much.

****

In-House Sales Executive

what have i gotten myself into?

i don't even know if this is the right niche for me.

but i plunged.

and here i am.

i miss my ops mates.

*sigh*

happy father's day!
ate dinner at a shabu-shabu resto at moa awhile ago with my family.
sip a lot of miso soup,
and drank 3 glasses of red iced tea (had to make the best out of it, bottomless eh)

we decided to go straight to trinoma after.
went picture taking.

nearly rubbed elbows with diether ocampo, jake cuenca, and roxanne guinoo
at an elevator.
diet's cute. (great thing he's not so bulky in person)

bought a new globe simcard.
i got it for 50bucks.
with free 50php load, and 50 free texts.
bargain!

***

i stumbled upon twitter.com
how?
well, i followed my stupid heart again..
and there it was.
staring straight at me.

bang.

bang-bang-bang.

it's like gunshots through a puffy pillow.
no noise.
just pain.

no one heard it,
or felt it..
but me.

found two interesting job positions at jobstreet.

journalist copywriter
employee relations associate

sent my resume to both, and hope for a miracle
if a change in career will change my life
then so be it.

i've always wanted to write.
altough, many times i fail to deliver.
i didn't do anything about my passion in writing
because i felt i wasn't good enough.
so i settled on blogs.
on life journals.
on unsent letters.
on phrases stucked on my mind..
and sometimes forgotten.

i have tons of books i never did get to finish.
notebooks, with the only first page used, and the rest left blank.
i have thoughts, phrases, paragraphs, but never a story.
i'm sort of famous for that.
starting something, and not finishing it.
it began as a habit.
and now it became, me.

***

but i do love writing.
it connects me to my soul,
and bridges me to the people i love.

kept me sane.
it kept me sane.

it's been nearly three months since we've been apart.
a month of it with no communication (text, call, or meet-ups) at all
i am missing him terribly but i can't do anything about it.
because if i did, if i dare lift a hand and call him
or open my lips and say "i need you to come back.."
it'll hurt more.

am i doing the right thing..
or am i giving up on the one thing that felt so real to me.

i waited for him for almost over two years.
i guess the waiting has to end one way or another.

it was a fun day.
it was, it really was.

at long last, the gettaway we've been meaning to experience.
the vacay that we all deserve.
although our dear friend pepe missed it.
it would've been such a blast.

that almost two day trip was worth every puyat sessions.
we got to take our loads off from work, stress..
and our exisiting and non-exisiting love problems..

the place was in anilao batangas, known for its amazing diving spots.
of course, due to financial matters, our goal was not to dive
swim swim lang, pwede na.

to put the weekend in a nutshell,
it was fun.
it was, it really was.

can't wait for the next gettaway.
hope the quezon trip is still included in our plans.

bitter act.

nadale na naman ako ng singkit.

i had an itty bitty crush on one of my shuttle buddies.
he's the usual, charming.. funny.. a gentleman.
..and smells good.

until one day, i found him sitting with a girlfriend.
another chinky eyed girlfriend.

***

i still miss him.

and i still punish myself sometimes
by staring through his pictures.. our pictures.
they were fun moments.
*chuckles*

i wonder if he misses me..

(sigh)
does it matter..

`~ ,

*blow kisses and imaginary hugs*

he was my sunshine..

M i s s n a k i t a . . .

kaya mo pa ba.

kaya mo pa.

nakakaya mo naman eh.
you're doin good.
you're doin good.

and he's well.
he's okay.
he's doin great.

so be happy.
you be happy.

excited nako umalis.
magpahinga, magliwaliw, lumayo.
magpakasaya.

may plano kami na pumunta dapat ng Palawan.
it seemed to be too good to be true, with a budget of 4thou, and only 2days free from work.
roro lang, kaya mukhang kakapusin sa oras ng byahe.
punuan daw ang mga resorts ngayon dun, kaya mukhang kakapusin din sa budget.
kaya ayun, the bubble burst.

hindi na kami tumuloy.

but nope, we cannot be stopped.
we are in dire need of a gettaway.

and so, here comes Quezon.
with a lower budget.
and a more realistic approach.

fare lang ang gagastusin, and a little on food.
kakilala ng kakilala yung may ari.
kaya may mga freebies.

mag lalantsa pa daw pagdating sa quezon para makapunta sa island.
now it's getting me thrilled again.
excited na naman ako.

sana makasama si eileen.

happy birthday to my dear dear

resa mate
back mate
banat mate
hirit mate
dahak mate
laughing mate
singing mate
nose bleed mate
stay up all night mate
kachokaran mate

aylabshu friendship!!

ipaskil ang dalangin sa pisara ng hangin
kasabay ng wakas ng isang panaginip
agiw sa isip
itago ko man
mahirap gawin na ikaw ay limutin

hanggang dito nalang
handa kang sumuko sa unang pagbitiw
matutunan ko sana
lumayo sa huling sandali

hanggang dito nalang
wag na nating isulat ang maraming mali
kung hindi makayanan
tumalikod nalang
palayo sa huling sandali

i'm jumping up and down
clapping and all smiles
bursting with fruit flavors

i can't contain it
i am so happy.


***

is this what you want me to do.

ang kulit mo, wag mong ilalagay sa friendster
yung mga pics kong hindi nakatingin
dahil masasapak tlga kita.
ang daming oras kong hinintay na magpost ka ng picture ko
sa friendster mo,
pero hindi eto yun.
sadakong sadako. gulo gulo ang buhok.
anuba stressed ako nyan.

hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon
may part pa rin ng buhay ko
na ikaw pa rin ang nagpapatakbo
kaya eto.. sinusunod pa rin kita..

o yan pwede na ba yan.
pinost ko na ha, sa blog pa.

hinahanap ang yong kamay
bakit ang hirap mong kasabay
lahat ng gawin tila sablay
balang araw walang maghihintay
handa bang magpaalam?
pag sapit ng dilim
ikaw ay mawawala
sa pagkaulila
ako ang kumot mong
di mo makita

-Anino
imago

i miss you guys.

so greatful i have you there you go gang.
*smiles*
tina and racquel were not present.
sayang.

i was rummaging through my e-mails
and was trying to find a copy of my resume.
when i stumbled into one of those forwarded e-mails
oj and i used to be so fond of

yung kwento ng italian guy na misunderstood.
it was so funny back then.
and it still makes me laugh as i listen to it.

http://www.sparkyblue.com/misc/italian_english/index.htm

ang kulet nito eh..
*chuckes*

i could still remember us laughing together.
fun times..

a month has passed by.

***

if i dont say this now i will surely break
as i'm leaving the one i want to take
forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
my heart has started to separate

i'll look after you

will you won't you, be the one i always know

To you,

Hi there. *smiles..*
You hear from me again.
I'm sorry I have to bother you. I just don't have any one to talk to that may understand how I'm feeling. *laughs* I assumed you would, I'm sorry again.
You know him. You love him. As much as I do.
He will be fine. He's a big baby *smiles* but he will be fine.
I lost him.. a long time already.. or maybe.. I never had him..
I always hear your name a lot. Too much, that I thought it was a sign.
I've discovered about a month ago from my birth certificate, that the doctor who delivered me has the same name as yours. And so as my godmother whom I've never met. And there there was this travel agent that I spoke to from work. Yes, name same as yours. Every time I say her name, it felt like I was speaking to you. And every time I laughed with her, it felt like I was laughing with you. And then it so happens, my name is Olivia, and him, Oliver. I have this insane idea that all these names were connected for a reason. I was led to him, for a reason. I thought the reason was him finding a new love with me.
You might think I'm going crazy. *laughs* Well.. I guess you should. I did lose a couple of screws there. Well, okay maybe.. three.

But then, life has to whack me.

We had a simple fight, one of those petty fights that we keep on arguing about. Days after, I lost him. I lost my love. And now I'm here. Writing to you for the second time.
I'm sorry again I have to bother you.
Did you like me.. Did you think I was the best girl for him, after you..
I will understand if you will say no.
But I want you to know, I did my best. I kept my promise to you. I never left him.
I felt lost now.. I don't know where to go.
But he will be okay.. he's a big baby, but he's going to be okay.. *smiles*
We didn't had a chance to get to know each other, but I've known you in beautiful stories he shared to me. (I'm sorry, i asked him to.) We're not much alike, but I felt, we would have been friends.

Ang feeling ko talaga no.. hehe.

Well, thank you for listening. Yes, I know. This is what you and I want. His happiness. *smiles* I know I shouldn't cry now. I feel better. Thank you. I promise to keep an eye on him, even from afar.

Gnyt,
Ola

it was his pillow..
it was his sheets..
it was him
and her.

i've always thought he hates it when someone's taking his picture
kase pag pinipicturan ko sya
or magpipicture kaming dalawa..
ayaw nya..
or kung magpipicture man..
laging abnormal yung itsura.
okey nga yun eh, nakakatawa.
kaya lang minsan, syempre
gusto ko naman meron akong kuha kami na maayos
para pwede kong ipagmayabang sa iba.
"oy, eto o.. yung mahal ko, hindi to imaginary, eto tlga sya o!"
akala ko kse nung una, ayaw nya lang tlga
akala ko isa lang yun sa mga ka-weirdohan nya.

hindi pala..

hindi lang pala kase ako ang babaeng gusto nyang makasama sa picture.
umpisa pa lang ola..
umpisa pa lang..
hindi na ikaw..


***

ayokong magpaalam..
dahil ayokong mawala sya..
dahil hindi ko kaya..
pero hirap na hirap na ako..
nkakailang araw pa lang..
pero pakiramdam ko,
parang buong buhay ko na ang nagdaan.


***

bits and pieces of us flash into my mind
as i turn off the light and lay on my bed
and cry..
did i mean anything to you?

did i even mean a thing to you..

halos mamatay ako..
halos mamatay ako.

alam kong lagi kayong magkasama
dati rati kase, ako yun..
dati ako ang katabi mo..
(masayang masaya ako sa bawat oras ng mga yon)
dati ako lahat ang may alam ng problema mo.
dati ako ang kasama mong kumain
..bumili ng mga kailangan mo
..at sasamahan naman kita.
tapos mang-aasar ka, mapipikon ako..
tapos may gagawin akong kapalpakan
..at magiging parang nanay na naman kita..
away ng konte, kakain, asaran, tapos tatawa..

okey na ko don..
hihingi pa sana ako ng higit sa binibigay mo,
pero iyon lang ang kaya mo..
inakala kong magbabago rin ang pagtingin mo sa akin
kaya hinintay kita

maraming beses mo namang ipinaramdam at ipinaalam na hindi ko na kailangang maghintay
pero ginusto ko..
ako ang nagpumilit.
ako ang umasa.
ako ang pasaway.

halos madurog ang puso ko nung nalaman kong kasama mo sya
sa mga lugar na dati'y ako ang dinadala mo.
halos mamatay ako nung nalaman kong gusto mo sya
halos maubusan ako ng hininga nung nalaman kong kayo na.
higit pa nung nalaman kong don ka natutulog, at Bubba ang tawag mo sa kanya...


ang dami kong mamimiss sa atin..
ni hindi ko alam kung saan at paano mag-uumpisa.

***
Lord, bahala ka na sa puso ko..
salamat dahil sinagot mo ang mga panalangin ko..
dahil ngayon nakahanap na sya ng taong mamahalin nya at mamahalin din sya.
Forgive me Lord,
dahil alam ko maraming beses kitang kinalimutan
maraming panahon na isinangtabi kita.
alam ko, hindi ko deserve ang lahat ng mga blessings
na binibigay mo sa akin..
pero sisikapin ko, Lord.
sisikapin kong maging karapatdapat sa pagmamahal mo.

mas masaya ba syang kasama
mas maganda
mas matalino
mas mabait
ginawa ko na ang lahat para hindi mo makita sa iba ang lahat ng hinahanap mo
pero wala ka paring nakita
bulag ka pa rin pagdating sa akin.


...




iyo na sya..
iyo na sya..


siguro ikaw na nga ang hinahanap nya.

two years and three months.
happy monthsary. *smile*

there's so many things i waited for him to do
and so many things i thought were ours..

but now, nothing's left..
nothing's left.

it's seems like
every memory is sucking the life out of me
and i don't know if i'll ever be the same again

****

"oh simple thing, where have you gone
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin
so i you have a minute, why dont we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why dont we go
somewhere only we know.."

Somewhere only we know
Keane


yung makati.. glorieta.. taft.. mcdo.. greenbelt..
yung 7/11.. mini stop.. netopia.. egg..
tokyo tokyo.. yoshinoya.. kfc.. jollibee.. NYFD..
yung eskimo.. yung mr.choi..
yung fries.. big mac.. yung ice tea..
yung kwarto mo.. yung veranda..
yung park..
yung antayan ng jeep sa may labas ng meadowpark gate..
yung mga panahong magkatabi tayo habang bumibyahe papasok sa trabaho o pauwi sa bahay..
yung starbucks..
yung waltermart..
lahat hindi na sa atin..

may nagmamay-ari nang iba..

i had this crazy feeling that we were meant to be together
even if it meant feeling it alone

i remember the first time we met..
unang araw pa lang pinakita ko na agad ang tunay na ako
syempre kailangan may palpak..
*chuckles*
ayun, natapunan kita ng unang bagay na binigay ko sayo
...chocolate mouse.
nakaputi ka pang polo non.
pormadong pormado.
pormal. malinis.
samantalang ako...
nakaitim na sando, nkapalda na parang ukot-ukot.
hindi maintindihan ang porma.
umpisa pa lang, nakita ko na
magkaiba tayo.

seryoso ka non.
akala ko nabigla lang tayo at nagkamali tayo ng desisyon.
pero habang naglalakad tayo,
hinawakan mo ang kamay ko
simula nung oras na yon
naramdaman ko na ikaw na ang huli.

***

malayong malayo ako sa lahat ng mga babaeng nagustuhan mo
magkaiba tayo mag-isip..
hindi ako singkit.. hindi rin balingkinitan..
marami akong kailangang ayusin sa buhay ko..
alam ko yun.
pero alam ko rin na mahal kita.
kaya pinilit kong iayon ang takbo ng buhay ko sayo.

malaking parte ka na ng buhay ko
hindi ko alam kung saang sulok ng mundo ako magtatago
kung saan wala ang alaala mo
gusto ko ba tlga na limutin ka
sa totoo lang hinde..
pero kailangan.
dahil mahirap...
mahirap isipin ka, nang wala ka sa tabi ko..

this is not goodbye...
you will never lose me.
i cannot deny that my days would be long without you
but this, i say
i will always, be yours
in special ways that no one can take away.
and in a secret part of my heart..
you will always be mine.
my squishy.

"cause you wanted more
more than i could give
more than i could handle
in a life that i can't live
you wanted more
more than i could bare
more than i could offer
for a love that isn't there.."

You Wanted More
Tonic


***

this past few weeks
i found myself at my lowest
always gasping for air.

i was walking home alone..
trying to drag myself into a house
where i have to pretend again
that everything is alright..
that everything is just how it should be..
i'm fine... i'm fine...
i'm trying.

is this what they all call broken?
i felt like i was floating..
breathing hard is starting to be a habit..
the darkness of the night
has become a silent comforter of my tired cries..
do i want to know more?
i don't know..
do i want him to be happy?
with all my heart..


i miss him terribly.
i listened to one of his voicemails
he said pangit for about 10seconds
i missed that.
ang pangit ko daw... *smiles* loko tlga yun...

a face forgotten,
i lay waste.

and while you have unknowingly razed and shattered me completely,
i wasn't able to manage even the slightest dent on you.

***

i lie on my bed of thoughts
of words striking a heart so weak
of tangled memories wishing to forget

unprepared of what's to unfold
broken spirit, wearied soul..

sleep it over now..
dry your tears.

maybe tonight will be a dream..


***

"hindi ka na mag-iisa
hindi ka na lululuha pa..
ligaya mo at pangarap na
hindi maging akin..
kundi para sa iba.."

Liham
Hale

++++

sinabi ko naman sayo yon diba..
na ang gusto ko lang..
maging masaya ka..

marami akong gustong sabihin.
..nang hindi ko kailangang umiyak..
pero mukhang imposible yata yon.
*tawa*
hindi ko alam kung ito man ang mga huling salita
na sasabihin ko sayo.
pero alam mo naman diba..
na mahal kita.
at wala na akong ibang hiniling kundi ang makita kang masaya

lagi ka na sa puso ko..
hindi ka na mawawala dito.

salamat.
sa maraming masasayang oras ng buhay ko,
kasama kita.

salamat.

i thought i would never feel it again..
or if i would, it thought it wouldn't hurt that much

i keep convincing myself not to.
feel numb.
feel numb.

feel numb.

please..
feel numb.

you can't do this..
you cant do this every night..
hide under your sheet while every one's asleep
and cry..
like a baby..

*****

it shocked me still..
i dont know why but it does..
maybe because i fooled myself into believing
that i would be someday enough..

+++

i copied the messages
and stored it in our pc's documents..
...and in my heart..
to remind me every time..
to make me numb..

Have a little faith in me

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby 
And have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me, 
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith, faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith, faith in me

Well I've been loving you for such a long, long time 
Expecting nothing in return just for you to have a little faith in me
'Cause see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is a have a little faith in me

I will hold you up
I will hold you up
And your love gives me strength enough to have a little faith in me
oh, heeeeey, oh darlin'
have a little faith in me

Faith

THE MASTERPIECE

"><

hehehe. had the most fun mcdo eating time with eileeny and camsy kanina.
sort of made me forget my own troubles.
(sayang wla ang the rest of the counter and resa clan)
sige tawa lang ng tawa.
magkwento ng mga kabalastugang pinag gagagawa.
magtanong. magduda. magkwento. tawa ulit.
tapos mag nose bleed.
na inspire ako kaya ginawa ko itong masterpiece na ito.
(please see above art.)

thankyou coolness friends.

may ever dependable co-counters and co-resa,
them eating, and me taking d picture. :)


haaaay... best times at work. dismissal time, and eating time.. and picture time.. and laughing time.. and himutok absorbing time.. mmwah

aylabdisguys!

its my birthday and i'll curl if i want to.. curl if i wan to..

shux.. 23.. im 23..

one tequila shot for the birthday girl!

when you realize that the sister of the one you love is mad at you
all your plans of happily ever after vanish..
it felt like the whole world had crumbled under my feet.
i didnt know what to do.

and for the millionth time in my life i just had to open my big fat mouth.
it was stupid stupid stupid.
this is one mistake i never get tired of doing:
letting my emotions get the better of me.

when all else fades
would you be there to love me..
when all else fades
would you be there to see right through me..

One day, Tippy, and Laila were running in the hills, they were having such a fun time, rolling, sliding, and climbing trees. Tired, they decided to rest for a while on top of the hill. Up there, they could hear clearly the singing of the birds and the whistling of the wind. It was their most favorite spot in the world. Laila had Tippy sat on her head, she had always felt that tippy loved the warmth of her blue hair. While enjoying the view, Laila saw something different hidden behind the bushes.


*to be continued...

Laila had a bestfriend, his name was Tippy. They were chunks of leaves crumpled to form a little boy. Tippy had yellow sunflowers as his hair, and had shredded red roses as his arms and legs. She never left the house without Tippy, even if most of the time some parts of Tippy fall out or get wearied. Since Laila and her mother lived in the woods, the poor little child did not have any real children to play with. Although, curious, Laila never dared to ask her mother about other kids, for she was afraid she would hurt her mother's feelings and think that she's blaming her for taking her away. So she kept all her questions inside, and instead let her heart wander in dreams and fantasies of what might have beens.

*to be continued...