thesis.. whatever it takes
il pass this one.

kelan ba napapagod ang tao..

wala lang naisip ko lang.
hanggang kelan ba ang hangganan ng bawat isa sa bawat sitwasyon..

ie: sasabihin mo pagod ka na. signs shows na hindi na tlga kaya. pero sisige pa rin. sige pa, kaya pa. kahit hindi na. you go on, and do it. kahit pagod na. kahit hirap na.

bakit kaya..

naalala ko nun,
nag-eexercise ako sa gym.
perstym.
tagaktak ang pawis.
at hahabol-habol sa hininga.
sa isip-isip ko nun..
waaaaaaah, ayaw na..... uwi nako...
pero hala sige, takbo pa rin sa threadmill.

bakit kaya..

hmmm.. kse kailangang magbawas ng timbang.
kailangan sexy.
yun ang goal ko.
at nung araw na yun, yun ang gusto kong mangyari.
kaya kahit mahirap, sige lang.
bring it on, threadmill!

kinabukasan:
masakit ang katawan.
fuckinsiyet.
hindi ko kinaya bumalik.
at kinalimutan ang gym.

ngayon:
napapagod na nman ako..
pagod na pagod..

pero may goal ako.
ang makuha sya ng buo.
and if it takes me to give all my strength
then i would.

ayoko nang umabot sa puntong masaktan ako ng todo-todo.
at matakot akong bumalik.
pero cguro
kung pagttyagaan mo ang isang bagay.
and you'll do your best for it.
and you prove to yourself and to that person that you're worth it.
naniniwala ako na may kapalit na darating.
sabi nga sa isang movie,
"love is not a feeeling, it is something that you do."
so if you love someone, you do it.
no holding back.
you do everything it takes to show your love.
dahil sa isang simpleng rason.. MAHAL MO.

and then maybe,
just maybe..
you'll get the *fairy tale* you deserve.

right now.
he is my prince.
my sleeping prince.
siguro ngayon pa lang nag-uumpisa ang kwento namin.
when he wakes up, and he sees me..
it will be worth the wait.

kamalas-malasan nga naman

ke-gaga gaga ko.

nawalan na naman akong phone.
what's new, brand new?

ang pangit pala ng feeling
kapag you feel stupid, and no one's there to comfort you.

dahil lahat busy sa kani-kanikanilang pinagkakaabalahan.
wala lang.. ang pangit lang ng feeling.

kase akala ko,
kahit kelan
hindi na ako mag-iisa.

sabi ni dayon, mahalin ko daw muna ang sarili ko, bago ang iba. how could i give love, if i can't even give it to myself.

..bakit.. binibigay ko naman ah. mahal ko naman ang sarili ko.
kaya pa naman.. hindi pa naman umaabot sa sukdulan.
its just a matter of thresholds.
cguro mataas lang tlga yung akin.

para akong ewan.
nagpupunas ng basang mata sa computer lab.
sorry ha, dko tlga mapigilang masaktan.
dko sinasadyang mabasa ang kwento nyo.

oo.. nagseselos ako..
pasensya na..
pero nagseselos tlga ako.
pakiramdam ko..
inagaw lang kita sa kanya.

i always have this picture of us.

you're this man who can't eat his steak
but instead was force to eat coconuts
why?
because you're stuck in an island.
and you don't really have a choice.
because its all you've got, and its good for you.
for a while now it has sustained you.
and that was enough, for some days.
there's nothing wrong with coconuts, really..
until you miss eating steak again.
`.
'
`.
you got stuck with me.

sorry.
if im giving you more reasons to miss her.
di naman kta pinipigilan
at wala rin akong karapatan na pigilan ka.
she deserves to be missed.

alam ko mahal mo ko.
pero bilang tao..
alam ko rin na pangalawa lang ako sa kanya.
kahit hindi mo sabihin, randam ko yon.
sorry ha.. sorry talaga.
partly kasalanan ko, dahil minahal kta.
its been only months since she passed away.
hindi rin biro ang ilang taong pinagsamahan nyo.
at naiinitindihan ko ang nararamdaman mo
naiintindihan ko kung gaano mo sya na-mimiss..
kung gaano mo sya kailangan ngayon..

naiiintindihan kta.

kung pwede nga lang mgkatotoo ang mga hiling.
hiniling ko na sa Diyos, na sana
sana ngayon buhay pa sya.
para hindi ka na nalulungkot.
para kumpleto na ang kasiyahan mo.

alam ko nman na masaya ka rin sa piling ko.
pero siguro mas sasaya ka kung siya ang ksama mo.

hindi ako nagddrama..
naiintindihan ko ang pinagdadaanan mo
pero dahil mahal kta, sana naiintindihan mo rin, na nasasaktan ako.
wala naman akong hinihingi
alam ko na masasaktan ako
kaya, nandito lang ako.
hindi ako lalayo.
pero sana pag matatanda na tayo.
at kung pahihintulutan ng Diyos na tayo pa rin ang magkasama
sana.. sana sa pagdating ng araw na yon,
alam ko
at randam ko
na ako nang mahal mo.

***
blogging has always been my release.
hindi ko to masabi.
dahil pag kaharap ko na sya..
nabblangko ako.
siguro ganoon tlga pag pinpressure mo ang sarili na magbigkas ng mga salita
mga salita na hinihiling na sana
maintindihan.

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh, you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time.

-never been kissed

i don't know why the hell i cannot, and i tell you, i CAN NOT horde even a sigle 'piso' in my pocket. it's like a curse bestowed to me since i set foot on college. i always always always have the urge to buy something.. anything. i'm starting to think, that i do need help.

i'm goin mental here.
random musings.
rantings of what sorts?
lahat ng mga kagagahan ko.

i'm supposed to be in control.
of everything.
i should be.
haha, well yeah right..
ako na yata ang pinaka disorganized na taong kakilala ko.

hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdamn ko.
kung feel ko..
bahala na kung san mpunta.

eto na nmn si bahala na.
fuckinsiyet tlga.
ayokong magmura.
----
hindi nmn ako ganon kasama..
desente pa rin nman ako.
pero mali yung ginawa mo..
alam ko.. siguro nga..
ano bang problema..
... ..
..(sigh)..
... ... ...
...... .. ...
ano ba, bat ayaw mong magsalita
wla akong masabi.. hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam
bakit.. sabihin mo.
hindi ko alam.
marami pero hindi ko alam.
(ang labo tlga)
parang gusto ko dpat alam nya na, dpat randam nya na.. dahil pagod nako.. pagod nako magpaliwanag.
pero hindi na man sya nagbabasa ng utak. hindi lahat ng bagay alam nya..
alam ko.. alam ko..
ntatakot lang ako.. na baka.. mali na namn ang masabi ko..
nasabi mo na sa kanya yun, at nsabi nya na rin na mas magugustuhan nya kung magiging open ka sa kanya.
sinabi nya nga.. at gusto ko namang gawin yon.
pero pagdating na sa puntong magsasalita na ako.. hindi ko na alam.
nawawala na lahat ng mga gusto kong sabihin
parang gusto ko nalang sana.. sana maramdaman nya yung nararamdaman ko

ang labo, ang labo.. alam ko

may nkakaintindi ba?
the first person that i expect would do..
hindi yata.
dahil ang labo, ang labo ko.. alam ko.

hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap
ang makipagkumpitensiya sa taong pinkamamahal mo
ang tumingin sa nka-post ninyong picture sa bawat araw na nraramdamn kong pangalawa lang ako a kanya.
ang pigilin na huwag maapektuhan kapag na-mimiss mo sya
ang pigilin ang sarili na mag-isip na mas mahal mo parin siya kesa sa akin.
ang masaktan for letting down your parents
for letting you down.

hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap maging selfish
habang nagmamahal.
dahil oo, pagdating sayo selfish ako.
akin ka lang..
pero dka akin.

mahal mo ba tlga ako.
o masarap lang magmahal.
kung papiliin ka kya ng taong mkakasama mo ngayon
ako pa rin kya ang piliin mo.

kung kasama kta.. iisipin ko lang to.
hindi ko kayang sabihin sa harap mo.
dahil takot ako..
takot akong marinig ang sagot.
takot akong magalit ka..
takot akong mramdaman na mali na nman ako..
takot akong sa pagbanggit ko ng mga nararamdaman ko, lalo kang mawala.

hirap nako..
hirap nako..
alam ko hirap ka na rin
pero pls.. wag kang bibitaw
hndi ako bibitaw
dahil mahal kta.


****
mga kabaliwan
sira sa utak
naguhong pangarap na siguro ang kagustuhan kong maging effective na psychologist.

You Have A Type B Personality

B You're as laid back as they come... Your baseline mood is calm and level headed Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

its mah burpday!!
its mah burpday!!
im gonna party coz its mah burpday!!

wahahahaha.
hiphopper???

videoke night!
can't wait!

You Are 23 Years Old

23 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

see.. i act 2 years older than my age.
hindi naman pla ako isip bata eh..... hmpf.
hehehehe.

happy happy happy
am all revved up. ready to be in the happiest mode.
okay na kami ng friend ko.

*sigh*

excited nako mag-practicum
pag nkapasok nako.
i'd be great.

alam ko kahit na ganito ako..
naniniwala ako sa sarili ko.
someday.. i would be someone that everybody could be proud of.
someday, i would be someone "I" could be proud of.
i may not be much of what i am right now.
alam ko, alam ko pasaway ako.
and i may be all talk.

pero alam ko rin tlga na one day,
i won't fail myself.

cguro nag idealistic akong tao.
puro theory.. walang gawa.
*pero meron, meron akong ginagawa.
(akala nyo lng wala, pero meron! meron! meron!)
i know its not my best.
and there are thigns that i need to work on.
at marami akong pagkukulang sa iba..
sa sarili ko..

pero sa totoo lang
all i need right now is support
to know that someone believes in me
na kahit na i'm a mess
nakikita pa rin nya na may mganda din naidudulot ang basura.

i read all my past entries dto sa blog.
most of them about kay myk.
tagal na rin pla..
mga one term din akong broken hearted
3 months ko din iniisip kung anong nagyari..
kung san ako nagkamali.
kung anong kulang.
o kung may sobra..

i could still feel how in love i was at that time
at ngayon narealize ko
all my blog entries then was of "me" in love.
none of them were 'him' in love with me.
no, this is not one of those bitter entries.
i don't hate him.
i loved him.
and i know he loved me at a time too.
this is more of.. acceptance.
oo, masarap ma-in love
masarap magmahal.
pero masarap din isipin na meron ding magmamahal sayo nang higit pa sa inaakala mo.

i'm in love.

*sigh*
haha, i know.. how redundant.
na naman.
i use the "L" word, as if it was the first time.
at alam ko,
pwedeng mali na naman ako..
pwedeng na-ooverwhelmed..
pwedeng natutuwa lang..
or kahit anong pwede pa.
pero pwede rin namang tama dba..
pwede ring "eto na tlga"
lahat naman naghahanap ng taong mkakapalagayan mo ng loob
at masasabi na,
"finally, i never have to wander again..
coz here you are.. with me."
at lahat hindi makakasigurado
we could only hope for the best
and in my part, i not only hope but believe
believeing always helps
lalo na kung parehas kayong naniniwala.

i've moved on..

kay roy..

he used to send me cds

write me in cute cards

sing to me

while strumming his guitar.

sabi nya gusto daw ako ma-meet ni melani..

i would love to meet her someday too..

nakkwento daw nya kse ko sa kanya..

did he really meant it

when he said he would tell stories of me to his son..

i wonder..

i could only smile at those memories.

i loved him.

and at a time, he loved me too.

`.

'

i've moved on..

kay myk..

he held me like i was only his

sabi nya i was the best,

but he said he can't be the best for me.

nang hindi ko man lang namalayan..

hindi nya nako mahal.

bigla na lang..

parang isang laro na umayaw sa usapan.

but after all was said,

he was my koi..

i loved him.

and at a time, i know he loved me too.

`.

,

i've moved on

and here you are.

you never fail to bring a smile upon my face

you make me feel that im worth it.

sana ikaw na ang huli..

.'

`

So it's not gonna be easy.

It's gonna be really hard.

But we're gonna have to work this evryday,

but I wanna do that because I want you.

I want ALL of you.

Forever.

You and me everyday.

`.

'

.

Nobody knows just why we're here

could it be fate or random circumstance

at the right place

at the right time

two roads intertwine

`.

and if the universe conspired

to meld our lives

to make us fuel and fire

then know wherever you will be

so too shall i be

`.

close your eyes

dry your tears

coz when nothing seems clear

you'll be safe here

from the sheer weight of your doubts and fears

weary heart

you'll be safe here

`.

remember how we laughed until we cried

at the most stupid things

like we were so high

but love was all that we were on

we belong

`.

and though the world would never understand

this unlikely union and why it still stands

someday we will be set free

pray and believe

`.

when the light disappears

and when this world's insincere

you'll be safe here

when nobody hears you scream

i'll scream with you

you'll be safe here

`.

save your eyes from your tears

when everything's unclear

you'll be safe here

from the sheer weight of your doubts and fears

wounded heart

`.

in my arms

through the long cold night

sleep tight

you'll be safe here

when no one understands

i'll believe

you'll be safe

you'll be safe

you'll be safe here

`.

put your heart in my hands

you'll be safe here

+++

got to visit this site from carla's blog. wla lang, i was so pissed off kse nagpunta ako sa schl, nang wlang kapararakan. tom nlang pla yung meeting. *sigh* kaya eto, comp lab sa goks. oh well, its a good thing, there's always free slots here.

You Are the Girl Next Door! You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry.Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love.But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it!You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

1.FIRST name: olivia
2.FIRST letter ng crush mo: hehehehe... sikreto
3. FIRST thing na ginawa mo ng magising ka: tumingin sa cellphone
4. FIRST thing na inisip mo ng magising ka: i have to call someone.
5. FIRST na tao na inisip mo [paggising]: hehehe.. yung sikreto ko.
6. FIRST na sinabi mo ng magising ka: shit, 5 na.
7. FIRST [song] na narinig mo ng magising ka: once in a lifetime by freestyle
8. FIRST na hinawakan mo ng magising ka: cellphone
9. FIRST school na pinasukan mo: san bartolome nursery
10. FIRST crush mo: emmanuel. haha, wlang maingay!
11. ilang taon ka nang magkaroon ng FIRSTcrush: cant remember.. tandaan daw ba.
12. FIRST love mo: uhm... dont know..
13. FIRST thing na tinitingnan mo sa guy/girL: eyes..
14. FIRST thing na hinahanap mo sa guy/girL: sincerity
15. FIRST thing na nagustuhan mo sa crush mo: being real.
16. FIRST thing na nakakaturn-off para sayo sa guy/girL: sinungaling, laitero.
17. FIRST thing na gusto mo sa isang tao: mabait
18. FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa isang tao: masama (hehe malamang)
19. FIRST thing na gusto mo sa sarili mo: pagiging good friend
20. FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa sarili mo: pasmado.. grrrrrr...
LAST
1.the last movie you watched?: butterfly effect. asshteeg. one of the best movies i've ever seen.
2. the last tv show you watched?: myx cguro..
3. the last song you heard?: dragonfly by spongecola
4. the last thing you bought?: hehe. e-load.. para may pang-text ako.
5. the last perfume you bought?: fake cool water for men na inarbor na ng kuya ko.
6. the last food you ate?: tuyo and egg, and sinangang.
7. last thing you wore?: shorts and shirt.
8. last thought on your head?: gusto ko sya makita..
9. last time you went out?: u mean gimmick.. cant remember. pero ang alam ko na last yung kasama ko cna almira and donna.
10. last time you talked to your crush?: hehe.. this morning.
11. last time you talked to your ex?: eon years ago..
12. last time you kissed?: kissed my dad and mom goodnight lastnyt.

.
all i want for christmas is my two front teeth
my two front teeth
my two front teeth
+++

14 days to go, and it'l be christmas.
i love christmas. at kahit ano pa ang sabihin ni jerry.
de best pa rin ang pasko. hehe
pakialam ko kung magastos.
pakialam ko kung nkaka-stress.
don't care, any other day can be stressful anyway.

pag pasko, everyhting seems to be okay..
kahit malungkot.. sumasaya..
it will be a sin to be sad on christmas.
kaya mapipilitan ka tlga.
pag pasko, its contagious to be happy.
besides there's no better gift than seeing the people you love happy.
kaya:

ke me pera man o wala.
love life or none.
ma-stress man ang lahat ng nerves ko sa katawan.
heck,
itaga mo sa bato, magiging masaya pa rin ako.

nainggit ako kay carla, so i figured, id put my christmas lists.
i'd get 'em all someday.
(even if it means getting them myself) hehe

1. more happy memories. (to make, to remember, to cherish, to live for)
2. money.. hehe. d ako mukhang pera, mas masaya lng cguro kung makkakabili ako ng mga gusto ko ng hndi nanghihinayang sa presyo. at saka, pag may money na ko, mabibilan ko ng ng mgagandang gifts yung mga taong mahal ko.
3. i-pod. arrrgghh.. gusto ko.. gusto ko.. gusto ko.. pero kung wala, cge discman nlng.
4. digicam. i just want to capture moments. in that way, mas madaling balikan ang mga bagay-bagay. frustrated photograper dn pla..
5. ukay-ukay treasures!! yey! i know, i know, i know. they're cheap. la akong paki anganda eh!
6. movie tickets. gusto kong manood ng manood ng amnood ng manood ng manood ng movie. kahit ano.
7. laptop. hahahaha. ewan ko basta gusto ko na ng laptop.
8. wheels. hehe. yung may kasama ng makina ha. (i know its asking too much, but hey, a girl's got to dream)
9. just someone i could talk to and say goodnight to. (besides platonic friends) haha. you get what i mean.
10. gifts i could give to my family and friends. (ones they would actually like)
11. peace of mind.
12. world peace. (hehe, in my miss universe tone.)
13. ang paglago ng ekonomiya ng pilipinas.
14. ticket sa concert ni usher sa january. (syempre dapat may kasama!)
15. cds (session road, kitchie nadal, sugarfree, six cycle mind, mojofly, and hehe ung sweet album ni nelly)
16 extension ng phone sa room. i need it baaaaaaaadly. pag nagkataon, sa kawrto na ako titira.
17. a yorkshire terrier. cute eh.. :)
18. pillow. kse inagaw ni tita ung pillow ko.
19. pampa-rebond.
20. gamot pampatanggal ng pasmado. (plsssss.. Lord!)
21. unlimited access sa net.
22. patience sa masusungit kong kuya at ate.
23. smile for OJ, and a roomful (and more) of love.
24. anti-paranoia, worry-free life, and more years of friendship for best bud ava. (ava, peace tayo. hehe)
25. anti-stress for tina, and a whole lot of bottles of beer to chug.
26. anti-guilt, peace of mind for my dear mira.
27. a great job that donsky would love and be really happy for.
28. happy memories and fulfilling life for kel
29. less worries, less stress, more cuddles, more laughter, for my 'ol partner jani.
30. more time to spend with dandan.
31. haaaay.. more nice conversations with my really really nice friend ivy. and ah, sana, payagan na syang gumimick parati. :)
32. contentment for medz. (miss her so much)
33. marian's happiness, and time rin..
34. courage for aie, and more happy memories.
35. happiness for koi, hope he finds the one true love he deserves.
36. a cute and ncie boyfriend, and contentment for my ate.
37. sana maging friends na c kaye and yung crush nya.
38. for my kuya to have a happy family (less temper, i hope).
39. more harmonious and loving marriage for my parents and ah.. good sex. (hehe, wish ko tlga yun)
40. a future husband for my tita. pero kung wala.. basta sana makasama ko parati sya.
41. food for evrybody sa noche buena. and toys para sa mga little kids.
41. more christmas to celebrate. kaya sana mahaba pa buhay ko.

***
can't wait.

i hate lamok!
i hate lamok!
i hate lamok!

tumawag c marko kgabi.

basta dati pa to..

before pa nung taong last na minahal ko.

bakit daw hndi ko hinanap yung nawala

bakit daw ako nag-settle nlang kung ano ung meron

bakit daw kse hindi sya ang pinili ko.

.

bakit nga ba,
ayoko na ng mga tanong na bakit
kse sa tooo lang
wla nmang katapusan yan.

lahat ng tanong na bakit, may kasunod pa ulit na isa pang bakit.

a friend once told me, isa lng daw dpat isagot jan..

"because i chose to."

.

bakit ko sya pinili?

dahil sya ang pinili ko.

and i had no regrets.

.

****

.

if it makes you happy

it can't be that bad

if it makes you happy

then why the hell are you so sad.

+++

.

gusto ko sanang magtagal sa iyong tabi

sulitin bago ka umalis

nagdadalawang isip pa akong habulin ka

pero para saan at ano pa.

+++

*

***

*

kabado sobra nung wednesday.

defense proposal.

we thought it was the end of us.

kung pwede lang lamunin na kami ng lupa

nagpalamon na kami ni jani.

but then again,

totoo na 90% of what u worry about

is not goin to happen.

*

***

*

ang hirap tlgang mawalan ng minamahal.

mas okay na yung niloko ka

yung pinagpalit ka sa iba..

yung hndi ka na mahal..

yung umalis nalang bigla..

kaysa yung alam mong

mahal ka..

mahal mo..

tapos

kukunin nalang sayo.

kung pwede lang mkihati sa sakit na dala nya

i wanted to say something na mkkpagpagaan ng bigat na nraramdaman nya

pero alam ko

nothing can suffice the pain of losing someone u love.

kahit anong sabihin ko..

it won't be enough.

dahil masakit mawalan.

~~~

but i just want you to know

you will never be alone on this.

andito lang ako, if u need someone.

*

***

*

chani:

minumulto ng nkaraan.

hehe.

arrrrggh.

this days tops my most stressful day ever.
nagpass ng first draft sa thesis.
yung mentor namin, sinusuka na kami.
siyeters.
ano ba, we're not that bad.
we're trying our best.

ngayon nga lang ako napupuyat ng ganito.
sobrang laki na todohan ang eyebags ko.
hindi na nakakatuwa.
pero kaya to..
hindi ako magpapatalo.
hindi ako magpapa-apekto.


pahinga.
kailangan ko ng pahinga..
un lang
konting pahinga lang.

and id be okay.

***
mind over matter
mind over matter
mind over matter

How is life on the other side
how is it like to be without the
usual
typical
illusional
difficult
me
How is life on the other side
I'm not even sure if I still remember how you
did you change at all
did you cut your hair
are you still in touch with that
old perfume you used to wear
life the usual
typical
illusional
difficult
you just you
speak to me
I don't know what to expect
speak to me
alone and out of breath
speak to me
I don't have anything left
speak to me
oh speak to me
I wish I could tell you how I've been
I wish I could tell you everything
everything
do you even know what you're fighting for
coz I cant remember
I cant see it anymore
Pretending Im fine
Im happy can't you see
who gives a fuck about HTML
Im lying through my teeth
why won't we
comeback
why wont we
comeback
-A tear
spongecola

+++

for the nth time,
i can't keep myself from doing another blog entry about him.
maybe because, he's been creepin on my mind since.
i said, happily to ava, that i'm gettin by.
i'm finally forgetting.
or so i thought.
and for how many times have i heard myself saying this,
"i'm moving on."
well, i am.
I AM.
its just.. hard.

i know there's nothing left to hold on to.
i know it's over, we're over.
i know now where to stand.
siya na mismo ang may sabi, hindi nya nako mahal.
i know that i'm not the one for him.
i know that i can't ever compare
to those that really had changed his life.
i know i am just someone in his past.
and will remain as that.
i know too much, it kills me.

if there's more..
the memory of him still lingers.
and i am doing my all,
just to push him away from everything that is me.

i'm laughing.
greatful for what i have.
happy? yes i am.
pero kulang..
hndi ko alam kung bakit
pero kulang..
and i don't want to feel incomplete.
i can alreasy hear myself saying
"you're complete.
and you don't need anybody para ma-feel yun.
ano ka ba?"
kulang lang cguro yung saya
kulang lang cguro, dahil na-mimiss ko sya..

what hurts the most is when finally you realized
you we're just someone.
just someone.
that while he still occupies what seems to be the biggest part of you,
you, on the other hand, is just another page of his life.
masayang basahin, masarap balikan,
pero hanggang dun nalang.

i have the tendency to repeat myself.
repeat. repeat. repeat.
have mercy on me.

****
pasensya na sa mkakabasa. pauli-ulit na ba. blogs are supposed to be your outlet. kailangan lang mailabas.

hide me now under your wings.
cover me with your mighty hands.
when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with you above the storm.

Father you are king over the flood
I will be still,
know you are God.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know his power
in quiteness and trust.

+++

"since when, did everything get so complicated?"

i suddenly thought of the things that really mattered to me.

family.
they are the ones who will always be around. kahit mag-asawa ka pa, at makahanap ng sangkaterbang barkada, ang pamilya pa rin ang uuwian mo sa gabi. at kahit gaano ka kasama, kahit gaano ka kabulok, kahit na gaano ang pagka-alingasaw ng lahat ng kapangitan mo, matatanggap ka nila. Hindi na magbabago yun, kadugo ka. kakabit sila sa lahat ng pag-angat at pagbagsak mo.

friends.
sila ang absorber ng lahat ng kalokohan mo. ang takbuhan. ang taga-payo. ang taga batok, kapag napapriwara ka na naman. sila ang cheer-upper. at sila rin ang kaunting mga tao na nagpaparamdam sa iyo, na mahalaga at kailangan ka nila. it feels great to need and to be needed. a reason maybe it feels that you are "being", and that you are of some use in this quite-oh-so-confusing-world. i usually view the world positively. that evrythin happens cause you will learn something from it, and all those blah-blah's. But like any others, there moments wherein you see the world as crap creeps in. And friends, well they're the ones who pull you back to the wonderful side of the world. Sila, sa maraming pagkakataon, ang rason ng kasiyahan mo. at sa mga bilang na sitwasyon, sila rin ang rason ng kalungkutan mo. Ayaw mong nasasaktan sila, dahil ayaw mong nadedehado ang ni isa man sa kanila, marahil na rin cguro dahil kaisa ka sa lahat ng nararamdaman nila. Mahirap mawalan ng kaibigan.

studies.
importante sa akin, dahil ayokong mapahiya sa mga magulang ko. ayokong ma-disapoint sila. ayokong mapunta lang sa wala ang lahat ng pinag-papaguran nila. importante kse may mga panahon na hndi lang ako ang nka-depende sa grades na tumutumbas sa mga gnagawa ko. importante sa kin, dahil dto nakasalalay ang maaring pag-unlad o pagbagsak ko. nakadepende ang magiging kabuhayan ko sa dalawang numero at tuldok na isasaad sa course card kada magtatapos ang isang term. i can't afford to fail another class. magastos. nakakahiya na. nakakaloko ka na. bka gusto mong ipatapon ka na sa kung saan man na ewan ko, basta siguradong hindi masaya.

love. romantic love.
Importante nga ba to? Ewan ko.. Ewan ko na naman. Minsan naisip ko, minsan, na lagi, na minsan.. na ewan! Naiisip ko, eh puro sakit lang naman ang napapala ko. pero syempre i-ccontradict ko na nman ang sarili ko at sasabihing, masaya rin naman. MASAYA AT MASARAP. Importante, dahil nakakaramdam ako ng ibang feeling maliban sa walang malisyang pakikipag-tawanan, kwentuhan, pag-aalalala, at pag-aalaga sa mga kaibigan. IBA. Kakaiba yung feeling. para kang high, NKA-TAKE. ADIK. pero dito, hndi ilegal. at hndi kailangan ng pera. 'Yun nga lang marami ka rin ma-iinvest. pero okay lang, in some ways importante pa rin.

health.
cguro paminsan. OO, importante. mahirap mamatay. hndi lang mahirap. AYOKO PA TALAGA. kaya nga li-low tlga ko sa pag-iisoy. nakakatakot, bka mabuhay ang mga cancer cells ko. marami pa kong gustong gawin, gustong maramdaman. gustong maranasan.

relasyon kay God.
importante, pero hndi ko napag-tutuunan ng pansin. importante dahil kung wala nito, cgurado, i will be nothing but a lost soul. Lost, dahil ano pang halaga kung wala ka rin namang kinikilalang Dyos. Ang yabang naman kung iisipin mong lahat ng bagay ay ayon lamang sa tao, at random na pag-swerve ng atoms sa mundo. Ang yabang nman kung hindi man lang matutong magpasalamat, at magsisi sa mga kalokohang intensyon at hndi intensyon na ginagawa mo. Cguro nga kaya ako Lost. Lost, dahil hindi ko makuhang bigyan ng panahon ang daan patungo sa tunay na kasiyahan.

me
to make myself better.
to reach my potentials.
basta gusto ko yun. importante din yun. Importante dahil i can only share what i have. and if i have nothing, de wla pla akong maitutulong sa iba.

***
haaay pagod na akong maging Lost.
ayoko na rin ng mga awkward moments.
ayoko nang mag-isip ng mga bagay na wala rin namang kahahantungan.
ayoko nang mag-break ng promises, sa mga taong mahal ko, at sa sarili ko.
gusto kong maibalik yung dati.

ayoko ng sayangin ang mga oras.

ang mga samahan.

ang mga importanteng bagay na noon pa ay dapat binigyan ko na ng halaga.

sad...

may mga pangyayari tlga na bigla nalang.

at itatanong mo nlang kung

bakit,
paano,

naging ganoon ang mga bagay bagay..

sana kaya kong ibalik yung dati.

it's so refreshing seeing you again. it filled all the empty spaces that we never get to satisfy. since you were always there, and i was always here. but as always, you never fail to brighten up even the loneliest of days, the ridges of our life still fits with each other. ang galing-galing mong kaibigan, coz you're one of those few that lasts. salamat sa presence mo. salamat at sa mahabang panahon, ay nandyan ka pa rin. salamat at walang nagbago.. ikaw pa rin yung dating nakilala ko.

everything seems to be screaming of him.

parang lahat nalang ng kwento sa peyups, yun ang pangalan.
the resto.. of all names, why does it have to be "it"
sa tv
sa radyo..
the guy sa mall..
the guy sa tabi ko..
nkatalikod.
side-view.

shit, tama na ola.
pwede ba.

pakitingin nga ulit..
Koi, ba tlga yung name ng restaurant na yun?

argh..
hallucinations ba to..

***

"imposible na par.." (ava on the left receiver)
"imposible na ola.." (jayson on the right receiver)

sabay pa kayong nagsalita sa telepono..
left and right, pareho ang sinabi nyo.
bka meron pang gustong sumigaw jan..

imposible na ba tlga?
bka naman kse may paraan pa..
paano magging imposible ang minsan nang naging posible..
oo na.. oo na..
pasaway na..
alam ko, pasaway ako..
pero ang hirap lang tlga.

suot ko ung necklace.. partner nung bracelet na binigay ko sa kanya.
alam ko.. alam ko..
im still holding on sa kung ano man ang natitira.
ang hirap tanggapin, at ang sakit-sakit
nung nalaman ko na sinabi nya kay ava
na wla na..
hindi na daw namin maayos to.

bakit...
... .... ....
.....
.. .
bakit hindi na.....

and you said i was the best..
pero bakit ang hirap hirap paniwalaan..

***

"if he really loves you he won't let you go.."
ouch, ang sakit nun ah.

hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin malinaw sa akin ang dahilan
hanggang ngayon, oo inaamin ko..
gago pa rin akong umaasa.
iniisip.
nagbabakasakali.
baka lang.
bumalik sya.

alam ko isang araw, matututunan ko ring tanggapin ang lahat.
islow nga pla ako..
dahan-dahan lang.
ganun tlga..
hindi ko kaya ng biglaan.

[.] [.]
c
---

minsan iniisip ko pa rin kung kamusta na siya. kumakain ba sya on-time.. napupuyat ba sya palagi.. may dala kaya syang payong.. pagod kaya sya.. naipasok nya na ba yung scooter sa loob. anong time kaya sya matutulog.. anong time kaya siya gigising.. kamusta kaya yung test.. anong pinapanood nya sa tv.. naasar ba sya.. naainis.. naguguluhan.. o natatawa.

sana maganda ang gising nya.. sana hindi sya late.. sana wala syang singaw.. sana busog sya.. sana hindi masakit ang muscles nya.. sana may dala syang payong.. sana nka-helmet sya.. sana hindi sya nasiko sa game.. sana nanalo sila.. sana masaya syang tumatawa.. sana mahimbing ang tulog nya..

yun lang.. malaman ko lang na okay sya.. sapat na sa akin para malamang okay narin ako.

letters fromt he crypt:

jani,
kamusta na ba??
parang wla na akong balita sayo..
kwento, kwento, kwento.
miss ko na yun sayo.
pasensya na.. ang tamad ko ba?
promise.. papasok na ako.
bat nga pla hindi ka pumasok kanina?

kel,
sorry rin. jan ka pla sa miguel kanina.
nka-silent kse phone ko.
sayang mukhang di na naman kta makikita.
ang lungkot.
isa ka pa nman sa nagpapasaya ng araw ko.

almira,
buti naman at hindi ka nagalusan.
iniimagine ko lang yung ngyari sa inyo.
naawa nako sayo..
hehe. pero sorry, natatawa din ako.
ang cute mo cguro nun..
i just wish i was there to comfort you my friend.

tina,
salamat sa mga forwarded e-mails.
na-depress ako lalo!
hehe. loko lang..
miss na kta, teens.
isang araw magkikita tayo,
ay iiinom natin ang pait ng buhay.
siyet ang seksi ng kasama ko!

ivy,
i wanna see you. i wanna see you.

dan,
wala kang pasok dba?
yess!
punta ko sa inyo, kwentuhan tayo.

marian,
ang hirap tlga pag busy..
miss na kta..
pasensya na rin kung hindi na ako masyadong masayang kausap.
ill make it up to you, i promise.
galingan mo sa OJT.

aie,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang.
ganyan ba tlga pag in-love??
text me whenever.
its good being with you again.

ava,
umaga na, patulog ka pa lang
ganyan ba tlga pag in love??
hehe.
sobrang saya ko para sayo.
kabatak, pare, tsong, va
pasensya na sa sakit ng ulo
ansarap kseng maging pasaway.
see you later.

jayson,
wag mo na akong sermonan.
to you who do it best..
salamat.

will,
mag-ingat.
pigil-pigilan.

mac,
kaya mo yan.

roy,
ang cute ng baby mo..
i don't think you should tell him stories of me.
im glad ur finally happy.

koi,
syempre ikaw ang huli.
wla lang..
alam mo na rin cguro ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.
i drew an outline of attack
and my plan was to win you back.
i guess, it would take some time before i realize
that i already lost.

All I Want is You
U2

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold.
All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

You say you'll give me a highway with no-one on it
Treasure, just to look upon it
All the riches in the night.
You say you'll give me eyes in the moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest.
All the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
When all I need is you.

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night.
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.
+++

.
***
there's nothing wrong with wanting.
its when you're expecting that makes all the difference.

in case
hindi mo pa rin alam..
in case
hindi ka pa sawang marinig..
just in case
hindi ko na masabi ulit..

gusto kong malaman mo.
that i still love you.

"You give me peace, in a lifetime of war."
-achilles (TROY)


***
may kinuwento sakin yung tita ko
may kasamahan daw sya sa church
they were getting married..
the date is set.
and proper preparations were just being approved.

until he got sick.
and have to be rushed in the hospital.
they say there has been a complication in the brain.
hindi alam kung paano nangyari at saan nanggaling.

bigla nalang..
ganon na.
comatose.

everyday, she was by his side.
she never left him once.
hoping that in a heartbeat,
he'll open his beautiful eyes, and smile at her..
like the way he used to.

yesterday, my tita told me.
he passed away.
sabi ng doctors wag na daw patagalin, masasayang lang daw ang pera nila sa kakabayad sa mga aparato na nakakabit sa kanya..
wala na daw tlgang magagawa.

she didn't want to let go.
they were supposed to get married
and be together.
she didn't want to say goodbye..
but she have to.



***
mgpapa-pedicure dpat ako kna ava..
akala ko may party na nman sa kapit-bahay nila.

"patay na.."
"ha??! di nga??!"
"oo.."
"magpapapedicure pa nman dpat ako sa kanya..."

she was so alive when i last saw her..
i paid her 40 bucks..
and now she's lying there in a box.

"bat namatay??"
"sabi ni aling carms, uminom daw ng tubig.."

uminom ng tubig..
marami daw kseng sakit yun.
mostly sa tyan.
hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal ang tubig, pero basta a single sip of it would kill her.

pasaway.
she drank water, and now she's dead.



***
its scary how your heart could stop from beating
and just die.
frightening, to not be ready for what is to happen.
when you still haven't done the things you want and longed to do.
when there's still words left unsaid.
actions left undone.

things you haven't really taught about much,
but means a whole lot.

when you thought, you're just about to start your life..
when finally, you realize how beautiful life is..
when at last, you have something to live for..

here comes death.
looking you straight in the eye.

at the last beat of your heart..
at the last breath you take..
at the last touch you feel..
and after (what they call) "the last 6 seconds of brain activity"
after everything else has shut down..

it is then that one realizes, it's too late.

i want to start now.
start living now.

start saying what should be said.
eh ano.. kung nakakahiya.. kung nagmumukhang tanga..
kung corny.. kung may pagka-jolog..
at least nasabi mo..
and you've done your part.

start doing what should be done.
mahilig akong ipagpabukas ang lahat..
"bukas nalang.. marami pang oras."
ngayon hindi nako sigurado..
paano kung wala na..
hindi lahat ng bagay magagawa at matatapos ko sa isang araw..
o sa iilang oras..

there are so many things that im not ready for.
pero sana bago man ako kunin ni Lord
alam ko na nagawa ko na ang mga dapat kong gawin.
then maybe dying wouldn't be so sad anymore..

last night tops my list of happiest moments.
it was one of the happiest ~hours~ of my life.
i could stay awake till morning.

if only i could say it out loud..
....
then my night would have been complete.

wla naman akong ineexpect na kahit ano.
hearing him again was enough.

i slept with a stupid grin stuck on my face.
what can i say..
i can't lie to myself..
i still love him.

he look a lot like his baby.

eyes..
nose..
lips..

miguel could be the baby roy of 1970's

i miss him.
i re-read his letters.

i hope he's happy.
well, i know he is.

***
i lost it.
again.

***

i lied when i told him, that i wear everyday the bracelet that we both have.
i lied, because i lost it one day..
the day before he told me that it's over between us.

naisip ko.. sign ba yun?

i didn't want it to end.
i didn't want to accept the fact that i've
l
o
s
t
him.
so i tried.
i thought maybe..
he can love me again.
like he
u
s
e
d
to.

i bought another bracelet, just like the one i've lost.

it became my torch of love for him.
as long as it's there.
i know we'd still be intertwined.

***
i called him up on his cellphone.
God knows how many times i did.
but he didn't answer.
maybe he was asleep. antukin yon eh..

i went back to our drinking session.
jerry's funny.
jake's easy in the eyes.
gerard, well he's charming.
here's three guys in my vision, and i still can't get him out of my system.
great.
"tapey."

***
on the way home.
i was looking through the window..
it was peaceful and calm.
the air con was too cold for me
so i reached out to change it's direction.

shit.
the bracelet..
i've lost it again.

***
sign ba 'to?
Lord, just tell me, sign ba 'to?
is this your way of telling me na hindi na tlga dapat..
na kailangan ko nang gumive-up.
is this a sign that says..
I've lost him.
i've lost him long before i lost the bracelet a second time.

i knew the answer..
dati pa.
ayoko lang tanggapin.

***
"tapey."

iba tlga kapag kasama mo ang matatalik mong kaibigan.
naks, ang lalim nun. haha

ang saya sa sagada.
kahit tatlo lang kami, okay pa rin

masaya.

simula umpisa
hanggang sa huli

masaya.

ang sarap ng pakiramdam
na may mga tao kang makakasama sa mga panahong kailangan mo.
nalaman ko din
na hindi porke't malungkot ka
e hindi ka na pwedeng maging masaya.
at hindi porke't may nawala sayo
ay wla nang natira sayo.

pwedeng maging masaya.
sobra pa nga.
at maraming natira.
higit pa.

minsan yung mga bagay na dapat nating pahalagahan
yun pa yung nababalewala.

kaya ako, ayoko nang maging malungkot.
mayasa ako.
dahil may mga kaibigan ako
na kasama kong tumatawa.
(at magpigil ng tawa)
na kasama kong kumain.
(at magtipid)
na ksama kong mapagod.
na kasama kong mag-trip.
na kasama kong umakyat at bumaba ng bundok.
na kasama ko sa picture.
na kasama kong tumunganga.
na kasama kong mag name-place-animal-thing game.
na kasama kong maglakad
umupo
tumalon
pumikit
na kasama ko sa mga mahahabang biyahe sa buhay ko.

masaya ako. dahil nandyan sila.

hindi tulad nung sa kanta
hindi lang sa umpisa masaya.

***
hindi naman tlga ako sasama.
2 reasons..
walang pera
at hindi ako ppayagan dahil may klase ako.

tumawag si almira.
"ola, sama ka na."
sila na daw muna ni ava ang bahala sa gastos.
thursday nalang ng gabi ang alis.

**gusto kong sumama**
gustong-gusto
sabi nga,
kapag gusto, maraming PARAAN.
kapag ayaw, maraming DAHILAN.

kaya, hayun..
gumawa ng paraan.
may love letter pa kay dad.

kinaumagahan.
ayos na ang gamit.
blessing nlang ng parents ang kulang.

***
mom: "o ayan, pinayagan ka na.."

di mapigilan ang hanggang tengang, ngiti.
sagada.. here i come!!!