All I Want is You
U2

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold.
All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

You say you'll give me a highway with no-one on it
Treasure, just to look upon it
All the riches in the night.
You say you'll give me eyes in the moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest.
All the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
When all I need is you.

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night.
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.
+++

.
***
there's nothing wrong with wanting.
its when you're expecting that makes all the difference.

in case
hindi mo pa rin alam..
in case
hindi ka pa sawang marinig..
just in case
hindi ko na masabi ulit..

gusto kong malaman mo.
that i still love you.

"You give me peace, in a lifetime of war."
-achilles (TROY)


***
may kinuwento sakin yung tita ko
may kasamahan daw sya sa church
they were getting married..
the date is set.
and proper preparations were just being approved.

until he got sick.
and have to be rushed in the hospital.
they say there has been a complication in the brain.
hindi alam kung paano nangyari at saan nanggaling.

bigla nalang..
ganon na.
comatose.

everyday, she was by his side.
she never left him once.
hoping that in a heartbeat,
he'll open his beautiful eyes, and smile at her..
like the way he used to.

yesterday, my tita told me.
he passed away.
sabi ng doctors wag na daw patagalin, masasayang lang daw ang pera nila sa kakabayad sa mga aparato na nakakabit sa kanya..
wala na daw tlgang magagawa.

she didn't want to let go.
they were supposed to get married
and be together.
she didn't want to say goodbye..
but she have to.



***
mgpapa-pedicure dpat ako kna ava..
akala ko may party na nman sa kapit-bahay nila.

"patay na.."
"ha??! di nga??!"
"oo.."
"magpapapedicure pa nman dpat ako sa kanya..."

she was so alive when i last saw her..
i paid her 40 bucks..
and now she's lying there in a box.

"bat namatay??"
"sabi ni aling carms, uminom daw ng tubig.."

uminom ng tubig..
marami daw kseng sakit yun.
mostly sa tyan.
hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal ang tubig, pero basta a single sip of it would kill her.

pasaway.
she drank water, and now she's dead.



***
its scary how your heart could stop from beating
and just die.
frightening, to not be ready for what is to happen.
when you still haven't done the things you want and longed to do.
when there's still words left unsaid.
actions left undone.

things you haven't really taught about much,
but means a whole lot.

when you thought, you're just about to start your life..
when finally, you realize how beautiful life is..
when at last, you have something to live for..

here comes death.
looking you straight in the eye.

at the last beat of your heart..
at the last breath you take..
at the last touch you feel..
and after (what they call) "the last 6 seconds of brain activity"
after everything else has shut down..

it is then that one realizes, it's too late.

i want to start now.
start living now.

start saying what should be said.
eh ano.. kung nakakahiya.. kung nagmumukhang tanga..
kung corny.. kung may pagka-jolog..
at least nasabi mo..
and you've done your part.

start doing what should be done.
mahilig akong ipagpabukas ang lahat..
"bukas nalang.. marami pang oras."
ngayon hindi nako sigurado..
paano kung wala na..
hindi lahat ng bagay magagawa at matatapos ko sa isang araw..
o sa iilang oras..

there are so many things that im not ready for.
pero sana bago man ako kunin ni Lord
alam ko na nagawa ko na ang mga dapat kong gawin.
then maybe dying wouldn't be so sad anymore..

last night tops my list of happiest moments.
it was one of the happiest ~hours~ of my life.
i could stay awake till morning.

if only i could say it out loud..
....
then my night would have been complete.

wla naman akong ineexpect na kahit ano.
hearing him again was enough.

i slept with a stupid grin stuck on my face.
what can i say..
i can't lie to myself..
i still love him.

he look a lot like his baby.

eyes..
nose..
lips..

miguel could be the baby roy of 1970's

i miss him.
i re-read his letters.

i hope he's happy.
well, i know he is.

***
i lost it.
again.

***

i lied when i told him, that i wear everyday the bracelet that we both have.
i lied, because i lost it one day..
the day before he told me that it's over between us.

naisip ko.. sign ba yun?

i didn't want it to end.
i didn't want to accept the fact that i've
l
o
s
t
him.
so i tried.
i thought maybe..
he can love me again.
like he
u
s
e
d
to.

i bought another bracelet, just like the one i've lost.

it became my torch of love for him.
as long as it's there.
i know we'd still be intertwined.

***
i called him up on his cellphone.
God knows how many times i did.
but he didn't answer.
maybe he was asleep. antukin yon eh..

i went back to our drinking session.
jerry's funny.
jake's easy in the eyes.
gerard, well he's charming.
here's three guys in my vision, and i still can't get him out of my system.
great.
"tapey."

***
on the way home.
i was looking through the window..
it was peaceful and calm.
the air con was too cold for me
so i reached out to change it's direction.

shit.
the bracelet..
i've lost it again.

***
sign ba 'to?
Lord, just tell me, sign ba 'to?
is this your way of telling me na hindi na tlga dapat..
na kailangan ko nang gumive-up.
is this a sign that says..
I've lost him.
i've lost him long before i lost the bracelet a second time.

i knew the answer..
dati pa.
ayoko lang tanggapin.

***
"tapey."

iba tlga kapag kasama mo ang matatalik mong kaibigan.
naks, ang lalim nun. haha

ang saya sa sagada.
kahit tatlo lang kami, okay pa rin

masaya.

simula umpisa
hanggang sa huli

masaya.

ang sarap ng pakiramdam
na may mga tao kang makakasama sa mga panahong kailangan mo.
nalaman ko din
na hindi porke't malungkot ka
e hindi ka na pwedeng maging masaya.
at hindi porke't may nawala sayo
ay wla nang natira sayo.

pwedeng maging masaya.
sobra pa nga.
at maraming natira.
higit pa.

minsan yung mga bagay na dapat nating pahalagahan
yun pa yung nababalewala.

kaya ako, ayoko nang maging malungkot.
mayasa ako.
dahil may mga kaibigan ako
na kasama kong tumatawa.
(at magpigil ng tawa)
na kasama kong kumain.
(at magtipid)
na ksama kong mapagod.
na kasama kong mag-trip.
na kasama kong umakyat at bumaba ng bundok.
na kasama ko sa picture.
na kasama kong tumunganga.
na kasama kong mag name-place-animal-thing game.
na kasama kong maglakad
umupo
tumalon
pumikit
na kasama ko sa mga mahahabang biyahe sa buhay ko.

masaya ako. dahil nandyan sila.

hindi tulad nung sa kanta
hindi lang sa umpisa masaya.

***
hindi naman tlga ako sasama.
2 reasons..
walang pera
at hindi ako ppayagan dahil may klase ako.

tumawag si almira.
"ola, sama ka na."
sila na daw muna ni ava ang bahala sa gastos.
thursday nalang ng gabi ang alis.

**gusto kong sumama**
gustong-gusto
sabi nga,
kapag gusto, maraming PARAAN.
kapag ayaw, maraming DAHILAN.

kaya, hayun..
gumawa ng paraan.
may love letter pa kay dad.

kinaumagahan.
ayos na ang gamit.
blessing nlang ng parents ang kulang.

***
mom: "o ayan, pinayagan ka na.."

di mapigilan ang hanggang tengang, ngiti.
sagada.. here i come!!!

wla akong magawa..
mahal pa rin kta.

kahit ilang beses ko pang sabihin at isipin
na ayoko na..
ganon pa rin
mahal pa rin kta.

i just had the healthiest laugh minutes ago.

went to ava's place.
ate lunch at 4 pm.
burned a cd.
watched a friggin' (haha) funny movie.
learned that:
love is not just a feeling.
it is something that you do.
talked.
squirmed.
laughed.
craved for isaw.
bought 3 milky knots.

went home.
watched some tv.
listened to some cd's..
jayson called.
talked.
squirmed.
laughed.
craved for it to never stop.

****
"sabihin mo nga...
kabilugan ng bwan.. bwan ng kabilugan..
nang mabilis at maraming beses.."

haha, laugh trip ka tlga.

ngayon ko lang narealize
mas marami pla akong alam kay almira
pagdating sa showbiz
hahaha!
at mahirap plang mag-isip ng mga hayop.
kahit gaano pa sila karami.

padamihan ng masasabi.
ang talo.. wla lang, talo lang.
ang tagal kseng lumitaw ng araw.
pampalipas lang ng oras.

naubos na ang mga tao sa mga soap opera.
pati sa mga noontime shows.
cguro mga 2 beses ng nbanggit c nora, ai-ai at manilyn.
si diether at c echo favorite, tatlong beses.
***
almira: jimmy bondoc!
ola: artista ba yun!? o cge.. mahal!
almira: mura!
ola: haha. jimboy!!!!
***
ola: spencer.
almira: lady lee.
ayos.. lady lee.. pamatay..
***

i do what i have to do.
and then
i take it back the next morning

***
it's hard
when you're fighting with yourself.

You do.
Or you don't.

You make.
Or you break.

You want to.
But you can't.

And you can.
But you don't want to.

You love.
Or you.. hate.

gimick tonight.

ang daming mga bagay na hindi nabigyang pansin..
magagandang bagay na dapat ikatuwa
na dapat ipagpasalamat.
pero hindi nagawa

bakit?
dahil broken-hearted ka.
ang drama mo..

***
mamaya
magpapakasaya ka.
mamaya
hindi ka na mag-iisip ng mga bagay na tungkol sa kanya
mamaya
you'll move on

***
kasabay ng paglakad mo para sa mga matatanda
inilakad ko mo rin ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya
tama na ang pag-iyak.

sana ito na ang huli.

seconds.. minutes of you.
and that would be enough.

i could sleep with a smile.

at morning
i'll miss you.
thinking of ways to forget
how i loved the way you complete my every day.

and i'll wait for the evening
for those seconds..
minutes of you.

****

i brought you here
so that i could express the things i've been thinking about
give me your ear coz i don't normally do this
so bear with me through this
that i wanna say
but let me start by simply sayin
i thank you

darling just because
i used to love someone that i didn't like
we used to wanna break up every other night
i used to think relationships were a lot of stress
i used to think that pain was a part of happiness
now all that's changed since you've come my way
but i don't want us to become
another used to be.

i hope what i'm saying
don't discourage you in any kind of way
coz i do believe
that you have the potential to be everything i need
i hope that you can really understand
that i would hate to be with someone new

now that you're here
it's evidently clear
i don't have to worry
that i don't ever have to have this worry again

***

i don't want us to be another used to be...

"naks naman.. tlga naman, inlab na inlab pa rin kay yonyur!"
message sent.

***
*beep*
1 message received

"kung hindi inlab, walang relasyon."

tinamaan ako dun.
tama nga... kung hindi ka inlove... pano magkakaroon ng relasyon.
mahal mo nga eh, kaya nga nanjan ka para sa kanya.
mahal mo nga eh, kaya kahit nasasaktan ka... sige lang
mapag-uusapan naman yan..
naayos..
basta mahal mo..
basta mahal ka..

dahil kung hindi mo na mahal
whats the point?
mas madaling bumitaw
mas madaling gumive-up
mas madaling itapon nalang ang lahat.

eh pano yan..
mahal ko pa.
mahal na mahal.

kaya hindi ako bibitaw.
inlab pa eh.

*8*

maghhintay ako.

wag nang pasaway.

basta maghihintay ako.

***

start na ng klase.
first day, first class, INDUSTRIAL PSYCH
syempre late na nman ako.
at oo, wla na naman akong dalang pen, at notebook. maliban sa isang higlighter, at maliit na square na notepad.
malay ko ba. first day eh, dko naman alam na magsusulat agad.

"ola tlga, hindi na nagbago.."
ssshhhhhhhhhh.. wag kang maingay. bad impressions last..

"ang walang notes, hindi maddismissed."
great. nagpaparinig na. wla akong paper, wla pang pen.

may nagbilang anghel, inabot ang yellow pad.
tapos nanghiram ng pen kay aiza. utang na loob ko pa yata. haha. saved!

copy*copy*copy

"balita ko lagi ka daw late?"
ngiti lang.. daanin sa ngiti. baka sakaling makalimutan. at mabighani sa kagandahan.. nyak!

"if you're 15 minutes late. wag na kayong pumasok. 7 and half absences, and il drop you."
and he was firm on this.
Help me, Lord!

***
after the class

"dahil na-late ka.. here's my assignment for you.. blah-blah-blah"
buena mano, assignment kaagad.
*so much for making a good impression.

you know how a cookie crumbles.

you take a bite. and no matter how careful you may be. no matter how gentle your pearly whites may cut through the cookie.. there will always, always be bits of crumbles falling from it.

it was just like us.

no matter what i do, something falls off.

********

"okay.." was the last word i heard myself saying.
i hang-up the phone. numb.

okay. It has always been, "okay.."

i tried. and maybe much more than he said he did. i gave my best.
i didn't give up.

i didn't give up, til he told me to.

its amazing how words could be just that, words.

ang daming mga bagay na nasabi.
pero mas marami parin yung hinde.

at kung masabi man ang mga hinihintay na salita
may halaga pa ba.

may halaga ba.

***
you once told me

whatever happens
we will always be there for each other.

at hindi mo ako sasaktan.
at hindi mo ako iiwan.
na mahal mo ako.

mahal.
sinabi mong mahal mo ako.

ayaw mo noong marinig na sinasabi ko yung
"ayoko na"
"kahit joke lang, ayokong marinig,"
sinabi mo pa.
pero ngayon pakiramdam ko
hinihintay mo na yung mga salitang yun.

hindi naman ako naghahangad ng sobra.
wala naman akong hiningi na higit pa sa nararapat.
ikaw lang naman ang kailangan ko.
na maramdaman na mahalaga ako..
na maramdamang totoo ang mga sinabi mo.

dahil isang minsan
nabanggit mong mahal mo ako.

mahal.
sinabi mong mahal mo ako.

it's amazing how words could be just that, words.

well you know how much i love you
so you better not let me down
i'm not asking for too much baby
just stick around.

those words echo to me.

i want to stay.. i do.
i just don't know if you still want me to..

yeheeeyy!!
i passed!!
i passed!!

magpapakabait nako.. promise!~!!

swear.... talaga!

ischupid.
ischupid ang tawag sa taong hindi natututo sa mga kamalian at katangahang pinaggagagawa niya sa buhay.
ischupid ang manhid.
ischupid ang walang alam sa mundo.
ischupid ang nagmamarunong.
ischupid ang magtype sa word ng napakahaba, tapos hindi i-ssave.
ischupid ang mawalan ng phone.. ng dalawang beses.
ischupid ang taong merong magagawa, pero wlang ginagawa.
ischupid ang tamad.
ischupid ang gumastos ng pera sa wlang kapararakang bagay.
ischupid ang bumili gn libro, tapos hindi babasahin.
ischupid ang mag-demand ng walang karapatan.
ischupid ang magpromise, tapos hindi tutuparin.
ischupid ang mag-expect.
ischupid ang mataas ang pride.
ischupid ang laging galit.
ischupid ang masyadong vain.
ischupid ang insecure.
ischupid ang pabaya.
ischupid ang hindi marunong tumanggap ng pagkakamali.
ischupid ang hindi nkaka-appreciate ng kung ano mang meron siya ischupid ang pasaway.
ischupid ang pasaway na nananaway.
ischupid ang hindi marunong magspell ng ischupid.
ischupid ako..

minsan..
madalas..

eh ngayon kaya?
Ischupid pa rin ba..

Hmmmmmmm..
how can someone be stupid,
when she just made the best decision
she ever had in her life:

she fell in love.

in love..

inlove daw ako..

o tlga.. ewan ko.. dko alam..
cguro nga.. oo..

pero sa dami ng gnagawa dko na alam
kung ano na ang, "oo".. sa "hinde"

pero masaya ako.
sobrang saya.

kung kasiyahan lang ang batayan..
abot hanggang langit ang pagmamahal ko na cguro sa kanya.

siyet.
wait lang.
pag-iisipan ko muna.

iisipin pa ba?

mahirap masaktan.
ayokong
masaktan.
nanaman...

e pero kse..
natatawa ako..
pag gising sa umaga.
siya.
bago kumain.
siya.
papasok sa school.
siya.
magtetest..
sy.. ooops.. tama na ang pag-iisip..
test muna!
nasa jeep.. nasa fx..
siya na namn.
uuwi sa gabi.
matutulog..
siya. siya. siya.
ano ba! tama na!

either way..
huli na ang lahat.

naisip ko na.
at naramdaman pa.

MAHAL KO NGA TALAGA.

filling in the empty spaces..

good.

i'd be okay.

The Difference Between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions:

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians, well, they used a pencil...

Take this pain away..
Take it.

Take my heart in your hands.
Take every beat.

Take me in your arms.
Take me now.

Let this be my plea
And hear me.

Take me. My heart, my soul..
And I?m yours and yours alone.
Won?t you please hear me

got a new cellphone.
eveyrone says im so lucky.. im blessed.
only a week after i got robbed
(it was more like a blessing in disguise, dahil sira na yung phone na yun, and i've been meaning to get rid of it, dahil magastos kung ipapagawa ko pa),
napalitan na kaagad yung phone ko.
When i got home, it was there carefully given in a paper bag.
And i dont even have to ask for it.

Sabi nila lahat daw ng gusto ko, nabibigay sakin.
Pag ako ang humingi, dumadating.
Pag ako ang nagsabi, nangyayari.
Pagdating sakin, lahat daw madali.
Lahat daw ako ang favorite:
favorite anak, favorite pamangkin, favorite kapatid, favorite pinsan, favorite friend, favorite kausap, favorite katawanan, favorite iyakan, favorite kasama.

im not spoiled.
im not an ass.
im far from being a brat.
i dont give people a hard time.
and i could be the most loveable person.
if i want to.

i may have all these.. pero bakit ganon..

i still dont have you.

*****
clarification:

i dont get everything i want.
hindi lahat naibibigay sa akin. i just dont ask much, that's why. at madali akong matuwa sa maliliit na bagay. at masaya na rin ako kahit papano sa kung ano man ang meron ako.

i hate being sad. i hate it when im the reason of someone being sad. kaya as much as possible, ayoko nang may kaaway.
ANG NKAKAINTINDI, YUN ANG UMINTINDI.

i still don't have him.
sino ba yung 'him'? hindo ka pa rin alam.. haha, labo!
sucks... yes. pero okay lang, i still have the best the world could offer me, and that's the gift of unconditional love my family and friends give me.

And i couldn't ask for anything more. :)

darn it..
bat ako pa..
bakit ako pa ang kinuhaan mo ng phone.
leche ka..
ayoko pa naman nang nagmumura
pero napilitan ako,
dahil leche ka tlga..

kaasar ka.
gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr ka.
arrrrrgggggghhhhh!
madulas ka sana.

sana kailanagn na kaialngan mo lng tlga ng pera.
sana mabusog ka
sana ipambili mo sya ng damit, o kaya
ipang-iskwela.. mo, o nang kapatid mo, o anak mo..
basta sana, nakatulong ako.
at napabuti ka.

siyet ka, asar pa rin.
phone ko un!


****
kung nag-aral sana ako,
mataas sana ang nakuha ko sa test.
perfect ko ung first part, bokya naman sa second part.
malay ko ba, wla akong copy nung ibang terms dun.

***
wala akong phone.
but i handled it gracefully.
thanx sa mga friends ko na tumulong sa pagpapasaya sakin.
dko masyadong naramdaman ung bigat ng kamalasan.

---------------------

im meeting ava, marian, mac at starbucks today.. yey! :)

---------------------

saddest lines

"I love you.. simply because I know no other way of loving. In which there is no I or you; so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand. So intimate that when I fall asleep, it is your eyes that close."
-Pablo Neruda

letter

Dearest,

When you left. My world went to a halt.
a lit cigarette isn't the same without you.
My coffee is bland without you stealing a sip from it.
Everything seems to float in a vast emptiness.
And time seems to be too fast..
or seem to be too slow.
Suddenly, im lost.
And then I realized,
I have to do something.

I never thought a piece of paper can someday save me.
So after all is said (and yes, all is done)
I just have to let you know:

I love you.
With all that is me, I love you.

I know you must have had heard this a hundred, or a thousand times even from other people whose life you've touched.
you were never really hard to love..
I guess, every I love you spoken, every I love you written, every I love you acted upon has their own story.
And sometimes you may think, that they're all the same.

You once said to me over coffee,
"no 'I love you' is forever. Someday one way or another someone would want to get out, because one was loved too much or the other was loved too little. And then I love you would be just a bunch of words gathered to form a sentence."
You chuckled right after.
I don't know if you were just saying that to spite me, you've always loved teasing me.
You argue for the sake of arguing.
But on that moment, I took what you said by heart, it kept me awake that night after you insist to take me home,
like you always do.

But now I can tell you with all my heart,
that this I love you is different.
This is unlike all the others, sweet and gentle and heart-warming.
What I have is not just a feeling that is bursting to be known.
This is more than the getting-it-over-and-done-with.
For this one I say with nothing expecting in return.

My I love you is not just a bunch of words.
My I love you is a testimonial.
It is a testament of everything that has been, is being.. and will be.
My I love you is waiting for nothing,
is asking for nothing.
For I am contented just knowing that this reached you.
Whole.
Sincere.
Uncorrupted with my need for you to love me in return.

I'm grateful you came into my life.
And you never thought this I love you
would come from your bestfriend.

----------------------
for ava

things that matters:

Things that matters

there are moments in life when everything seems to be clear.
but then even if it is so.. you still don't know what to do.
and then it would confuse you all over again.

ang daming bagay na naiisip,
pero ang daming bagay na hindi mailabas.

ang sarap magpakasama.. dahil naiinggit ka.
lagi kang naiingit.. dahil wala kang ginagawa.
wala kang ginagawa.. dahil natatakot ka.

akala mo okay.. pero hindi pala, kaya minsan its good to stop and focus on the details first, before looking at the picture as a whole.

The Lord will always be your refuge.

nothing beats hearing someone say "i Love you"
and meaning it.

sometimes a simple smile, a hug, and the mere presence of a friend can make a big difference.


**********

there are some days na naiisip ko ano nga ba ang meaning ng buhay.

sasaya ka.. masasaktan ka..
ibibigay... kukunin din pala..
aalis.. babalik..
babalik.. aalis..
mahirap.. masarap..
madilim.. maliwanag..
mabilis.. minsan mabagal..
para sayo.. hindi para sayo..
magulo.. malinaw.

parang isang napakalakaing contradiction ang buhay.
minsan maiisip mo nalang.. "is it really worth it?"
lahat ng kaguluhan? kalokohan? kabaliwan?
and one may even ask..
"what's the point?"

experience.

its being able to interact.
its knowing that you know.
its feeling that you feel.
its being.

its going through it all.

one may still add.
"i didn't ask for this."

you didnt. but yet you were given.
you dont even have to ask. it was there carefully laid in front of you.
it's free. no charge.
then only thing one can do
is to accept it, and be greatful gor it.

sometimes we dont know blessings even if it hit us right smack at the face.

may isang makulit na magatatanong..
"i still don't get it."

may mga bagay na hindi natin maiintindihan.
may mga bagay na kahit anong ratinalization at pagcconceptualize ang gawin mo, eh malabo pa rin.

dahil hindi naman lahat ng bagay dapat iniintindi.

~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder, "how much more stupid can I get?"

I sit dazedly on the sofa chair, clutching my cellphone as if the answers to all my life's question depends on it.

Alanis morisette's "Everything" was playing on the radio.
"...you see everything u see every part
you see all my light and u love my dark..."

I imagine him somewhere, singing this song, devoting every word to me. His declaration of love bursting.
Great... now im having hallucinations.

"...and you're still here."
Yeah... i'm still here.

"it's funny, how some dreams you never had can come true."

totoong kung ano pa ung pinapangarap natin, yun pa yung hndi nangyayari. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.

or minsan ung mga hindi natin ineexpect, yun ang nagaganap.

cguro rin,
dahil pwede ring mangyari sa atin ang higit pa sa pinapangapangarap natin.

maybe..

We deserve more.

INSIDE the University, Marianne Quadrangle.

I watched Nathan, basist of the band Bamboo, casually lit a cigarette while performing..



Im missin Aie.

this is a forwarded e-mail Almira sent me
kahit na forwarded lang sya, i know she meant every word.
and im touched. deeply.

***
I JUST want to say "thank you." Thank you that we were always there for each other. In the short span of time that you've known me and I've known you, our very lives have been open to the other. An open book filled with creases and markings. Even the loose tattered pages we've allowed each other to see and to explore. Those pages whose colors have faded into yellowish brown, filled with cheap adhesive tape just to keep the pieces together. The translucent path covered by the tape bearing memories upon memories of mixed emotions. I have those pages in me. Torn pages from my own hands and from the hands I encountered long before I met you. Pages I've tried to conceal, pages I've tried to forget. But you continued to read on in spite of that. I have beautiful pages inside me too. Colorful pages filled with my own handwriting as I try to put into words the wonderful memories that I simply refuse to let go. You smiled with me as you came along these pages. Silly things that make my eyes water from so much laughter. Thank you for smiling with me as I re-read and relive those wonderful moments. Thank you for allowing me to turn a few pages in you too. I saw the pages that caused you so much pain, and I ached for you. I saw the pages that used to warm your heart, and I feel for you because those moments are no longer part of you now. I came along pages that you've tried to conceal from them, yet you trustfully allowed me to see, and I thank you for that. Thank you for the pages and thank you for the trust. And just when we thought that we had each other all figured out, we realized we're both wrong. For you cannot completely read me, and I, you, for as we turn each other's pages, new pages are born and added. And those pages are filled with both our handwritings. Pages we are yet to read, pages whose contents are still unknown to us. Thank you for marking my life. Though the pages we share are all brand new, they're filled with prints from the wonderful person I've found in you. As we continue to read on, I know there will be pages that will be hard for us to face. But whatever happens, I'll continue to believe in that person I met in the early part of these pages. The person whom I've come to treasure. And after all this is over, as we continue to turn our own pages, until we arrive at the closing chapter of this journey, I'll thank Him who is the author and finisher of this grand story for taking His time writing on those pages I've shared with you. Ours will be one of those pages I'll never get tired of reading, of reliving. Ours will be pages that will never fail to bring tears to my eyes as I recall fond memories. Ours will be pages that will never fail to make me smile. And though our pages are not as intertwined as we sometimes hope they were, though there is no "us" but only me and only you, though the stories are all about these wonderful pages of friendship... still, thank you for taking time to read me. And after all this, I hope that whenever you'll think of my pages, it will bring a smile to your face and add a little warmth in your heart, and you'll say, "That was indeed a good read!"

first day of classes. all went well.

we watched Shrek.
hehe. sobrang laugh trip.

"pinocchio! tell a lie!!"
say something like, ur wearing panties!"
"im wearing panties."
hndi humaba ang nose ni pinochs.
"ur wearing panties??"
"no im not."
sabay humaba ung nose nya.. hahaha!
"he's wearing a thong!!" hehehe, i never laughed that hard.

shrek. priceless. i love shrek tlga.

paid tin. finally.
attended all my classes for the day. (with no lates!)
smiled and laughed.
borrowed a pen (twice).
my crush texting me.
bought a 35 peso meal. (hah!)
watched a feel good movie.
went to starbucks.
ate ice buko.
been around with my best girlfrnds.
went home late, but safe.

bliss.

election day.

i found my name posted on the door, room 4.
nahiwalay pako sa family ko. i dont know why, pero kinailangan ko pa tuloy, pumila ulit sa kabilang room.

mainit.
good thing, may pamaypay ako.

***
"ha?"
wala daw, ung name ko sa list nila.

di ako makapaniwala.
You're kidding me. You can't be saying this to me. Not now.

"pano po nangyari yon, nandun po sa door ung name ko.. pakitingin po ulit, 35-B numbr 28.."

they looked. Wala.

"pano po yan.."
they just looked at me, and shrugged.

huwattt?? ganon-ganon nlang ba yon.
sorry, ur name's not here. Next.

i felt my world crashing.
i felt.. cheated.
pinaghandaan ko tong araw na to. (okay not really)
pero i made it sure to mytself that im goin to make my vote count.
i wont let them get the best of me.
and besides i didn't go there for nothing.
natapakan, nainitan, nasiksik, pumila ng napakatagal..
mauuwi lang sa wala?
darn it.
no i wont let this happen.
BOBOTO AKO.
i stayed there.
i gave them the look.
mga teacher pa nman din kayo..
don't let me down.

******
the teachers asked me to just bring someone there who can prove that i am really a resident of the community.
mas okay daw kung public official.
my father came.
"ako po ang ama." siyet, para akong nawawalang bata.
they made him write into a piece of paper, para daw makasigurado in case something went wrong.

i made my way through the small pews.
im voting.

***
president. check.
vice. check.
darn senators. check.
congressman. mayor. vicemayor.
check. check. check.
getty. check.

relief rush through me, as i scanned my vote.
done. tapos na.
I vote. Therfore, i exist.
haha. basta! nagawa ko na!
nagawa ko ung part ko. naks.
it was, honestly, a great feeling.

haaaay.. im back from Bohol..
malungkot na masaya,

masaya dahil, syempre, im back home. makaksama ko na ulit un family ko. yung mga friends ko na naiwan dito sa manila.
malungkot dahil, kailangan ko na namng harapin ang mga problemang iniwan ko. marami na naman akong iisipin.

Malayo na ako sa paraiso.

kung maririnig mo ang bisaya sa maynila.. nakow, asahan mo, may maririnig ka ring ngisngisang kasunod.
iba sa bohol. lahat ng tao, nagbibisaya. lahat komportableng-komportable sa mga salitang binibigkas nila. at pag ikaw ang nagtagalog.. huh??? you're the odd one. Parang gusto ko ngang matutong magbisaya.. kaso ang hirap. mga simpleng words lang ang natatandaan ko. minsan napagbabalibaliktad ko pa. "lami: sarap" "ambot: ewan" "char: charot/charing/joke" "JRJR: joy ride joy ride" "gerger: sex" "nasabot: naintindihan" expression: "hala, oy.." "sige na bhe.."

nakakatuwa sila.. makikita mo tlga yung effort na makausap ka nila, kahit mejo hirap silang magtagalog. at talagang i-eexplain nila sayo yung mga bisayan words, para maintindihan mo. sila pa yung nahihiya samin. when we should be the ones embarassed.

haaayy.. mababait tlga yung mga tao.. pwera lang yung bosohan issue. bad trip yun.