love is more thicker than forget
e.e. cummings

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

If I Could Tell You
W.H. Auden

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose all the lions get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye
Leonard Cohen

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara

Year Ender Message

Christmas has always been that special time when people get to be a little bit nicer, a little bit more happier, a little bit more forgiving. It's that time of the year when we try to forget the bad things, and see the world as how it really is.. A Gift.

And as the year ends, I can never be thankful enough for the gifts I have received. Strength. Experience. Wisdom. Laughter. Happiness. Family. Friends. Love. Life. These are the things that always matter. Thank you every one for being such a blessing, and becoming a wonderful part of this year.

We have gone through a lot. But with each others help, we came out strong and survived the battle. And they say, to every ending, there is a new beginning waiting. And with that said, I want to end this year with an eager smile and a hopeful heart, because I know the next coming year will be amazing for all of us.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas as I have, and Cheers to a Happy New Year!

Praise God!

Hindi ang biyaya, o ang pagpapala

Hindi lahat ito

Pagkat Hesus, Ikaw ang Mahal ko.

--------

If I can count the ways on how God has been so Good in my life, i would've spent all my breaths, and still not be able to finish.

He has been my Father, My friend, My love.

My comfort. My constant help in times of need.

My heart overflows with happiness and cries for joy, as he reveals his presence in my life.

For He has never failed to show how much i am loved.

--------

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.

Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty,

"and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven

and pour out so much blessing

that you will not have room enough for it."

-Malachi 3:10

Indeed when you let God take hold of your life

and follow his will.

He will open the gates of heaven and pour out his blessings to anyone who believes.

I know now, that whatever happens,

That I do not have to worry, because God is in control.

Praise and worship to God!

In Jesus Christ name! :)

Hello there,

It's been such a while since the last time.
you haven't heard from me for almost a year now..

i've been busy.. or at least, i've been trying to.

I miss a lot of things nowadays.
old friends.
reading.
lounging in the beach.
giggling.
writing.
holding hands.

but mostly, i miss not feeling scared.
i miss not holding back.

i'm not quite sure yet, how my life will turn out to be.
but i'd like to believe, that one day I will look back
and remember that life has been good to me.
and that I am exactly where I should be.

hope you'll hear from me again soon.
:)

Last Night's Dream

Dreams can sometimes be a piss.
Right when it's supposed to be gettin better
that's when you lose it and start waking up.

***
I was with Pakner, Nadine, Junee, Gaines, and the gang at the mall.
I was hanging out with them, shopping, laughing, and congratulating them for being able to graduate with flying colors. :)

In dreams, you can do anything.
So in that dream, I was a super woman.
I do not have the flying-telekenetic-out-of-the-ordinary-superpower.
But I knew then, although still afraid, that I can move mountains If I wanted to.

I was all over the place.
Heights has always been an obstacle for me in real life.
But I manage to get stuff for Nadz and the gang,
I was in high places I never imagined I can even reach.

I was jumping off tables and clearing of chairs with grace.
I breeze through blocks that hinders me from doing what I was supposed to do.
I was tired, but i knew I can do more.
The mall was my jungle, and I was my own hero.

That was the weird part, anyway.

We went to a restaurant to eat some and celebrate their triumph.
We were all on our seats, Happily chatting, and reminiscing the day that has been.
And I finally had to go.
Dad was waiting. My ticket ride home.

An unfamiliar voice from across the table was heard.
"Matatagalan pa ba kayo.."
I suddenly was aware of the stranger's presence in front of me.
I looked around and saw the restaurant filling up.
Marami na palang tao.. I thought.
He was alone, with a tray of food in his hands, I knew he wanted to hurry and know the answer.
"Ah No, sorry, patapos na kami," I said in a rush, and smiled.
"I was just reminding them on how much I was such a good friend to them. Mga hindi man lang nag thank you sa lahat ng mga ginawa ko. (pointing at my super power favors I did for them)," I added, and threw a sarcastic look at them and laughed.
"They can buy you at least some fries to show gratitude. Or you can have mine..," He nonchalantly replied.
"What?" I didn't seem to hear that last remark right.
He placed his tray on my table, and sat.
"Or they can have my fries, and you can stay put. I'm starving."
Junee, got a single fries from the stranger's tray, stucked it in his mouth and snickered.
They were all looking at me,
"What?" I still say.
He motioned to our table, and realized I was stuck.
If I insist on leaving, he and everyone else would have to stand up again, and move all the tables.
My super powers were gone.
Suddenly, I was not so swift anymore.

"You had long day." He pointed at his tummy, and signaled he has to eat.
He shoved his french fries in front of me, ate his burger and gave me a foolish smile.

Pakner, who was on his left, had to say something
"Her name is Ola, by the way." She blurted out with her wide smile.
He answered back, grinning.
"I'm Ben."


I lose it.
And I was awake.

***

Donya, RN

Donsky, you know I'm proud of you at all times.
You have always been my dear bubbly good good friend.
And I know that you can do any thing that you can put your heart into.

Love you DOnsky. :)

I dreamt last night,
I was in the arms of someone that I love,
and loves me back.
And in my dream, I confessed my feelings like saying hello to an old-time friend.
In return, he smiled, and hugged me in the most comforting way.
He held me close, rubbed my hair, and said he felt the same.

but unlike in dreamland,
doing things your way, does not always work in the real world.
because if you do,
most often than not, it backfires.

you do things your way,
and you end up sleeping with wet pillows,
and waking up with big puffy eyes.

Where the Love lasts Forever - Hillsong United

Your mercy found me
upon the broken road
and lifted me beyond my failing.
Into your glory
my sin and shame dissolved
and now forever yours I'll stand.

In love never to end
to call you more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So i throw my life upon all that you are
cause I know you gave it all for me.
And when all else fades
my soul will dance with you,
where the love lasts forever.

Dibidi, Bisidi, Dibidi, Bisidi.

A night after suffering a terrible migraine,
(Oh God, let this be just another one of those migraines. - this is me, being paranoid.)
I decided to take the day off and skip work (yey).

With my head still heavy,
i popped in some of those pirated dvds my brother stocks in his room.
porn. no..
porn. no..
Lord of the Rings trilogy. too long..
Twilight. Very Bad copy..
Prison Break. not in the mood.. too much men.
CSI. had enough of Ted Failon's case.. too depressing.
One Three Hill.. not working, argh.
Benjamin Button.. so, so.
Transporter.
Click.
Movie by Clint Eastwood.
Bang Bus 3. another porn. no.. no.. no.. and no!
Where in my sweet perv brother's name is Slumdog Millionaire?
rummaging, rummage, rummage, rummaging. (kunwari may tunog)
Ahhh.. Before Sunset.. Can be.
Although I would rather watch again Before Sunrise, the sequel will do.

I've always liked the thought of how two different people meet in one unpremeditated place (Paris wouldn't be at all bad.. c: )
exchanged ideas and realized they're with someone they feel like they've been with all of their lives.

I guess that's what I'm looking for as well.
Sometimes when I'm alone, or when i travel, or at some random new place,
I imagine myself bumping into some (decent) stranger
he'll say somethin funny, and we'll talk, and we'll get to know each other.
We'll speak our mind, and we can just talk about anything,
and not get embarrassed.. or conscious.
and he will listen.. really listen.

And he'll speak about his thoughts, his views,
it may seem stupid, or smart, or amusing, or senseless, or it may mean the world
and i may even disagree about it, and he, vise versa to my views.
and it's still going to be.. okay.

we'll be serious, and we'll be laughing,
and we can be silent..
and the time spent together will still fly by.

And this is me, by the way, being cheesy and romantic.

I guess I still have'nt found that person.
And maybe if I do,
i'll ask him to marry me.. Fast.

(sana bago mag December.. HAHA. Iba na panahon ngayon! )
Hehe.

Courage id Facing Fear in the Eye

Alan Cohen:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Browsing through the net, i came across profiles of old friends, acquaintances, and some familiar faces. And they say, change is inevitable. They sure have all changed.

I stopped, and checked myself..

What has happened to me in the past years? Did I changed into a person I can be proud of? Have I become the person I've always wanted to be?

Let's see.. I've always wanted to:

be a writer... cross
be a pre-school teacher... cross
be a professional singer... cross cross.
be a clinical psychologist.. cross
be a wife, a mother.. not yet.

be fit, with firm arms, legs, and a killer abs... need more motivation.
be more confident... check
be more independent... partly check.
be more organized... cross.
be more friendly... check.
be wiser... check.

travel more... check.
gain real friends and lose the fake ones... check.
learn how to drive... cross.
learn how to swim... cross.
learn how to cook... trying.
learn how to listen... check.
hate less and to love more... check.
say what I mean, and mean what I say... check.
do the things I am afraid to do... check (some, haha).

Heights. I am afraid of Heights. Walking at an overpass. Leaning over from a 5th floor and above. Riding elevators going over 20th floor. Anchor's Away. Plane rides. Anything that has something to do with my two feet not touching a stable ground. Name it, and you won't find me in my happiest mood.

I was able to face that fear in the eye when we were at Cagayan De Oro. I figured, in my 25th year, I should, by all means, learn to live outside my comfortzone and be able to survive it. All my life i've been trying to be safe.. avoiding being hurt and living a very normal, boring life. And I guess, with that, I realized i was wasting too much of precious time. Life is too short, to be wasted sitting on a rock.

And so I did it.

We went Canopy walking (braving a canopy bridge, below a hundred feet abyss), rapelling, and zip lining (the slide of life). Okay, I was quite the cause of delay of the group. But I was trying. Fear is a bit hard to fight with. A battle not too easy to win. We also braved 14 rapids of the famous CDO river. Armed with only a paddle, a dependable life vest, and a hopeful heart, cramped in a raft (good for only 7 - 8 people), we survived the challenge of the river for a good 2 hours and a half. Then after, We finished with thumping hearts and high spirits. We did it. I did it. I made it out.. Alive. and Changed.

I knew I was a better person after.

And from then on, I knew I can be better.
I can do more, and be better.

And I knew, I'm still afraid of so many things.
But now i know, I can conquer them, if I need to.. If i want to.

:)

Our God is a Mighty God!

Naks.

sabi sayo eh, do your best, and God will do the rest.

Grats Bes! proud of ya! :)

For The Meantime

A fave Forwarded E-mail.

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, she's the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.

But she's cool , and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Silver Year

I'm an Aquarius.
born 4th of February, 1984.

Hurray.
It's my Birthday.
25th Birthday, to be exact.

parang ngayon lang yata nangyari to..
It's my day.. but it feels like it's not.

Problem sa bahay.
Problem sa pera.
Problem sa friend.
Problem sa office.
tumatanda ng walang ipon,
wala pang love life.

haaay.. anubayan.


I opened my yahoo mail, and read my daily horoscope.
wala lang.. i don't really believe in them, pero natutuwa lang akong basahin sya once in a while.

"You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about saying no. In fact, embrace your freedom and ability to stand on your own two feet. Time is tight, so when you're asked to take on more work, consider declining the offer. You need plenty of social space right now."

Haha.
sakto yun ah.

yes.. i need space.
ika nga ni Twinkle.. "Can I breathe?"

itutuloy ko ang leave and travel ko, whatever happens.
i deserved it.
Bahala na pag-uwi.

Happy Birthday Bes.

I waited for the clock to strike 12.
I could have slept all the way through, as the girls and I just got home from Batangas.
but I just couldn't bear not to greet you, first thing.

While lying in bed, I grabbed the magic 8th ball from my bag and with my eyes wide shut, I silently asked..
"Is bes with Sheen now?"
Shook the ball for just a bit, and with one eye half-open, I read the answer.
--Without a doubt.
Oh, just perfect. Pasaway talaga.
"Should I call to greet him?"
--Yes.
"Would he be happy if I called?"
--It is certain.

That was it for me.
Everyone, deserves a 12 a.m. greeting-call on their birthday, right?
I decided, waiting for 30mins more, will be worth it.

12:00 a.m. 19January 2009.
My phone blasted it's alarm.
*alarm* Bes 25. *alarm*

I picked up my phone, and dialed your number.
You answered with a warm smile.
"Hi bes! :)"
"Hi bes, Happy Birthday. :)"

I can hear you were busy.
And from then on it was confirmed, you were indeed with her.

Of course.

You said she was the first to greet you.
I was late. Again.

It felt weird.
you sounded happy, but i didn't know if it was the real deal.
i wanted it to be, but I'm not sure if you were with the right person.

I quickly said my goodbyes and take cares.
you replied with a lot of thankyous and a big smile.
I knew you were having a great time.
and I guess.. that was enough for me.

Although I still do not think that she is the best girl for you,
i didn't dare to spoil your mood.
What can I say, it's YOUR day bes.
You deserved that smile on your face, and that twinkle in your eye.
that sweet hug.
that warm tug on your hand.
that moment, when you can just forget everything.
and that 12 a.m. birthday company.

---
bukas nalang kita sesermonan.

Sent Message

"Are you saying, I should wait for her?"
"How much do you like her."
"Enough to make her my partner in life."
"Then why are you giving up."
"When you really want something.. You go and get it.
You don't just sit there in a rock and wait for it to get to you."
Send.
Recently used. Select.
Select.
Ok.
Sent Message.

My words flew to its receiver like leaves blown softly by the wind.
They echoed back to me with a prick,
as i realized that these words are actually coming from me.
What was I saying..
I cannot even follow my own advice.

I guess there are lessons that do not work for every one.
I'm deciding, this one does not count for me.

Catch and Release

It's one of those lazy Saturday afternoons,
channel surfing, and decided to look into HBO.
hmmmm... i hope this time it's a good one.

It's Jennifer Garner.
I like her.
She's charming, fit, and pretty
She's.. sweet-looking, and she has dimples too.
In shortness, Jennifer G.'s my girl-crush.

I caught my girl crush in a kitchen scene with a guy, fixing a late-night snack.


Gray (J.G.): Are you lonely?
Fritz (unknown actor): Right now.. No. *smiles*
Gray: I meant, in general.. You must be lonely..
Gray: Who do you tell your stories to?
Fritz: Well.. I just keep them to myself.
Gray: That's a tragedy.

****

Every one has their own stories to tell.
happy.. crazy.. scary.. exciting.. sad ones.
It must be hell not to have someone to share it with.

not everyone has the patience to put up with every kind of shananigans our minds can cook up.
maybe that's the whole reason why we keep on trying to search the world and back for someone who can hear our stories, and not be disgusted.
because when we finally find that someone..
we'll never be lonely.

Playing Mario

i'm missing a lot of things lately..

haaaay.. nakaka miss ang maging bata.
parang noon lang tabi tabi kami ng mga kapatid ko,
at salitang naglalaro ng Mario sa family computer.
haha, asar na asar pako nun, pag ang galing nila masyado maglaro.
Aaargh.. ang tagal naman! Ako naman!

tnry ko ulit maglaro.
deds agad.
haha.
haaays, never talaga ako naging henyo sa mga computer games.