love is more thicker than forget
e.e. cummings

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

If I Could Tell You
W.H. Auden

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose all the lions get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye
Leonard Cohen

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara

Year Ender Message

Christmas has always been that special time when people get to be a little bit nicer, a little bit more happier, a little bit more forgiving. It's that time of the year when we try to forget the bad things, and see the world as how it really is.. A Gift.

And as the year ends, I can never be thankful enough for the gifts I have received. Strength. Experience. Wisdom. Laughter. Happiness. Family. Friends. Love. Life. These are the things that always matter. Thank you every one for being such a blessing, and becoming a wonderful part of this year.

We have gone through a lot. But with each others help, we came out strong and survived the battle. And they say, to every ending, there is a new beginning waiting. And with that said, I want to end this year with an eager smile and a hopeful heart, because I know the next coming year will be amazing for all of us.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas as I have, and Cheers to a Happy New Year!

Praise God!

Hindi ang biyaya, o ang pagpapala

Hindi lahat ito

Pagkat Hesus, Ikaw ang Mahal ko.

--------

If I can count the ways on how God has been so Good in my life, i would've spent all my breaths, and still not be able to finish.

He has been my Father, My friend, My love.

My comfort. My constant help in times of need.

My heart overflows with happiness and cries for joy, as he reveals his presence in my life.

For He has never failed to show how much i am loved.

--------

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.

Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty,

"and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven

and pour out so much blessing

that you will not have room enough for it."

-Malachi 3:10

Indeed when you let God take hold of your life

and follow his will.

He will open the gates of heaven and pour out his blessings to anyone who believes.

I know now, that whatever happens,

That I do not have to worry, because God is in control.

Praise and worship to God!

In Jesus Christ name! :)

Hello there,

It's been such a while since the last time.
you haven't heard from me for almost a year now..

i've been busy.. or at least, i've been trying to.

I miss a lot of things nowadays.
old friends.
reading.
lounging in the beach.
giggling.
writing.
holding hands.

but mostly, i miss not feeling scared.
i miss not holding back.

i'm not quite sure yet, how my life will turn out to be.
but i'd like to believe, that one day I will look back
and remember that life has been good to me.
and that I am exactly where I should be.

hope you'll hear from me again soon.
:)

Last Night's Dream

Dreams can sometimes be a piss.
Right when it's supposed to be gettin better
that's when you lose it and start waking up.

***
I was with Pakner, Nadine, Junee, Gaines, and the gang at the mall.
I was hanging out with them, shopping, laughing, and congratulating them for being able to graduate with flying colors. :)

In dreams, you can do anything.
So in that dream, I was a super woman.
I do not have the flying-telekenetic-out-of-the-ordinary-superpower.
But I knew then, although still afraid, that I can move mountains If I wanted to.

I was all over the place.
Heights has always been an obstacle for me in real life.
But I manage to get stuff for Nadz and the gang,
I was in high places I never imagined I can even reach.

I was jumping off tables and clearing of chairs with grace.
I breeze through blocks that hinders me from doing what I was supposed to do.
I was tired, but i knew I can do more.
The mall was my jungle, and I was my own hero.

That was the weird part, anyway.

We went to a restaurant to eat some and celebrate their triumph.
We were all on our seats, Happily chatting, and reminiscing the day that has been.
And I finally had to go.
Dad was waiting. My ticket ride home.

An unfamiliar voice from across the table was heard.
"Matatagalan pa ba kayo.."
I suddenly was aware of the stranger's presence in front of me.
I looked around and saw the restaurant filling up.
Marami na palang tao.. I thought.
He was alone, with a tray of food in his hands, I knew he wanted to hurry and know the answer.
"Ah No, sorry, patapos na kami," I said in a rush, and smiled.
"I was just reminding them on how much I was such a good friend to them. Mga hindi man lang nag thank you sa lahat ng mga ginawa ko. (pointing at my super power favors I did for them)," I added, and threw a sarcastic look at them and laughed.
"They can buy you at least some fries to show gratitude. Or you can have mine..," He nonchalantly replied.
"What?" I didn't seem to hear that last remark right.
He placed his tray on my table, and sat.
"Or they can have my fries, and you can stay put. I'm starving."
Junee, got a single fries from the stranger's tray, stucked it in his mouth and snickered.
They were all looking at me,
"What?" I still say.
He motioned to our table, and realized I was stuck.
If I insist on leaving, he and everyone else would have to stand up again, and move all the tables.
My super powers were gone.
Suddenly, I was not so swift anymore.

"You had long day." He pointed at his tummy, and signaled he has to eat.
He shoved his french fries in front of me, ate his burger and gave me a foolish smile.

Pakner, who was on his left, had to say something
"Her name is Ola, by the way." She blurted out with her wide smile.
He answered back, grinning.
"I'm Ben."


I lose it.
And I was awake.

***

Donya, RN

Donsky, you know I'm proud of you at all times.
You have always been my dear bubbly good good friend.
And I know that you can do any thing that you can put your heart into.

Love you DOnsky. :)

I dreamt last night,
I was in the arms of someone that I love,
and loves me back.
And in my dream, I confessed my feelings like saying hello to an old-time friend.
In return, he smiled, and hugged me in the most comforting way.
He held me close, rubbed my hair, and said he felt the same.

but unlike in dreamland,
doing things your way, does not always work in the real world.
because if you do,
most often than not, it backfires.

you do things your way,
and you end up sleeping with wet pillows,
and waking up with big puffy eyes.

Where the Love lasts Forever - Hillsong United

Your mercy found me
upon the broken road
and lifted me beyond my failing.
Into your glory
my sin and shame dissolved
and now forever yours I'll stand.

In love never to end
to call you more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So i throw my life upon all that you are
cause I know you gave it all for me.
And when all else fades
my soul will dance with you,
where the love lasts forever.

Dibidi, Bisidi, Dibidi, Bisidi.

A night after suffering a terrible migraine,
(Oh God, let this be just another one of those migraines. - this is me, being paranoid.)
I decided to take the day off and skip work (yey).

With my head still heavy,
i popped in some of those pirated dvds my brother stocks in his room.
porn. no..
porn. no..
Lord of the Rings trilogy. too long..
Twilight. Very Bad copy..
Prison Break. not in the mood.. too much men.
CSI. had enough of Ted Failon's case.. too depressing.
One Three Hill.. not working, argh.
Benjamin Button.. so, so.
Transporter.
Click.
Movie by Clint Eastwood.
Bang Bus 3. another porn. no.. no.. no.. and no!
Where in my sweet perv brother's name is Slumdog Millionaire?
rummaging, rummage, rummage, rummaging. (kunwari may tunog)
Ahhh.. Before Sunset.. Can be.
Although I would rather watch again Before Sunrise, the sequel will do.

I've always liked the thought of how two different people meet in one unpremeditated place (Paris wouldn't be at all bad.. c: )
exchanged ideas and realized they're with someone they feel like they've been with all of their lives.

I guess that's what I'm looking for as well.
Sometimes when I'm alone, or when i travel, or at some random new place,
I imagine myself bumping into some (decent) stranger
he'll say somethin funny, and we'll talk, and we'll get to know each other.
We'll speak our mind, and we can just talk about anything,
and not get embarrassed.. or conscious.
and he will listen.. really listen.

And he'll speak about his thoughts, his views,
it may seem stupid, or smart, or amusing, or senseless, or it may mean the world
and i may even disagree about it, and he, vise versa to my views.
and it's still going to be.. okay.

we'll be serious, and we'll be laughing,
and we can be silent..
and the time spent together will still fly by.

And this is me, by the way, being cheesy and romantic.

I guess I still have'nt found that person.
And maybe if I do,
i'll ask him to marry me.. Fast.

(sana bago mag December.. HAHA. Iba na panahon ngayon! )
Hehe.

Courage id Facing Fear in the Eye

Alan Cohen:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Browsing through the net, i came across profiles of old friends, acquaintances, and some familiar faces. And they say, change is inevitable. They sure have all changed.

I stopped, and checked myself..

What has happened to me in the past years? Did I changed into a person I can be proud of? Have I become the person I've always wanted to be?

Let's see.. I've always wanted to:

be a writer... cross
be a pre-school teacher... cross
be a professional singer... cross cross.
be a clinical psychologist.. cross
be a wife, a mother.. not yet.

be fit, with firm arms, legs, and a killer abs... need more motivation.
be more confident... check
be more independent... partly check.
be more organized... cross.
be more friendly... check.
be wiser... check.

travel more... check.
gain real friends and lose the fake ones... check.
learn how to drive... cross.
learn how to swim... cross.
learn how to cook... trying.
learn how to listen... check.
hate less and to love more... check.
say what I mean, and mean what I say... check.
do the things I am afraid to do... check (some, haha).

Heights. I am afraid of Heights. Walking at an overpass. Leaning over from a 5th floor and above. Riding elevators going over 20th floor. Anchor's Away. Plane rides. Anything that has something to do with my two feet not touching a stable ground. Name it, and you won't find me in my happiest mood.

I was able to face that fear in the eye when we were at Cagayan De Oro. I figured, in my 25th year, I should, by all means, learn to live outside my comfortzone and be able to survive it. All my life i've been trying to be safe.. avoiding being hurt and living a very normal, boring life. And I guess, with that, I realized i was wasting too much of precious time. Life is too short, to be wasted sitting on a rock.

And so I did it.

We went Canopy walking (braving a canopy bridge, below a hundred feet abyss), rapelling, and zip lining (the slide of life). Okay, I was quite the cause of delay of the group. But I was trying. Fear is a bit hard to fight with. A battle not too easy to win. We also braved 14 rapids of the famous CDO river. Armed with only a paddle, a dependable life vest, and a hopeful heart, cramped in a raft (good for only 7 - 8 people), we survived the challenge of the river for a good 2 hours and a half. Then after, We finished with thumping hearts and high spirits. We did it. I did it. I made it out.. Alive. and Changed.

I knew I was a better person after.

And from then on, I knew I can be better.
I can do more, and be better.

And I knew, I'm still afraid of so many things.
But now i know, I can conquer them, if I need to.. If i want to.

:)

Our God is a Mighty God!

Naks.

sabi sayo eh, do your best, and God will do the rest.

Grats Bes! proud of ya! :)

For The Meantime

A fave Forwarded E-mail.

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, she's the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.

But she's cool , and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Silver Year

I'm an Aquarius.
born 4th of February, 1984.

Hurray.
It's my Birthday.
25th Birthday, to be exact.

parang ngayon lang yata nangyari to..
It's my day.. but it feels like it's not.

Problem sa bahay.
Problem sa pera.
Problem sa friend.
Problem sa office.
tumatanda ng walang ipon,
wala pang love life.

haaay.. anubayan.


I opened my yahoo mail, and read my daily horoscope.
wala lang.. i don't really believe in them, pero natutuwa lang akong basahin sya once in a while.

"You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about saying no. In fact, embrace your freedom and ability to stand on your own two feet. Time is tight, so when you're asked to take on more work, consider declining the offer. You need plenty of social space right now."

Haha.
sakto yun ah.

yes.. i need space.
ika nga ni Twinkle.. "Can I breathe?"

itutuloy ko ang leave and travel ko, whatever happens.
i deserved it.
Bahala na pag-uwi.

Happy Birthday Bes.

I waited for the clock to strike 12.
I could have slept all the way through, as the girls and I just got home from Batangas.
but I just couldn't bear not to greet you, first thing.

While lying in bed, I grabbed the magic 8th ball from my bag and with my eyes wide shut, I silently asked..
"Is bes with Sheen now?"
Shook the ball for just a bit, and with one eye half-open, I read the answer.
--Without a doubt.
Oh, just perfect. Pasaway talaga.
"Should I call to greet him?"
--Yes.
"Would he be happy if I called?"
--It is certain.

That was it for me.
Everyone, deserves a 12 a.m. greeting-call on their birthday, right?
I decided, waiting for 30mins more, will be worth it.

12:00 a.m. 19January 2009.
My phone blasted it's alarm.
*alarm* Bes 25. *alarm*

I picked up my phone, and dialed your number.
You answered with a warm smile.
"Hi bes! :)"
"Hi bes, Happy Birthday. :)"

I can hear you were busy.
And from then on it was confirmed, you were indeed with her.

Of course.

You said she was the first to greet you.
I was late. Again.

It felt weird.
you sounded happy, but i didn't know if it was the real deal.
i wanted it to be, but I'm not sure if you were with the right person.

I quickly said my goodbyes and take cares.
you replied with a lot of thankyous and a big smile.
I knew you were having a great time.
and I guess.. that was enough for me.

Although I still do not think that she is the best girl for you,
i didn't dare to spoil your mood.
What can I say, it's YOUR day bes.
You deserved that smile on your face, and that twinkle in your eye.
that sweet hug.
that warm tug on your hand.
that moment, when you can just forget everything.
and that 12 a.m. birthday company.

---
bukas nalang kita sesermonan.

Sent Message

"Are you saying, I should wait for her?"
"How much do you like her."
"Enough to make her my partner in life."
"Then why are you giving up."
"When you really want something.. You go and get it.
You don't just sit there in a rock and wait for it to get to you."
Send.
Recently used. Select.
Select.
Ok.
Sent Message.

My words flew to its receiver like leaves blown softly by the wind.
They echoed back to me with a prick,
as i realized that these words are actually coming from me.
What was I saying..
I cannot even follow my own advice.

I guess there are lessons that do not work for every one.
I'm deciding, this one does not count for me.

Catch and Release

It's one of those lazy Saturday afternoons,
channel surfing, and decided to look into HBO.
hmmmm... i hope this time it's a good one.

It's Jennifer Garner.
I like her.
She's charming, fit, and pretty
She's.. sweet-looking, and she has dimples too.
In shortness, Jennifer G.'s my girl-crush.

I caught my girl crush in a kitchen scene with a guy, fixing a late-night snack.


Gray (J.G.): Are you lonely?
Fritz (unknown actor): Right now.. No. *smiles*
Gray: I meant, in general.. You must be lonely..
Gray: Who do you tell your stories to?
Fritz: Well.. I just keep them to myself.
Gray: That's a tragedy.

****

Every one has their own stories to tell.
happy.. crazy.. scary.. exciting.. sad ones.
It must be hell not to have someone to share it with.

not everyone has the patience to put up with every kind of shananigans our minds can cook up.
maybe that's the whole reason why we keep on trying to search the world and back for someone who can hear our stories, and not be disgusted.
because when we finally find that someone..
we'll never be lonely.

Playing Mario

i'm missing a lot of things lately..

haaaay.. nakaka miss ang maging bata.
parang noon lang tabi tabi kami ng mga kapatid ko,
at salitang naglalaro ng Mario sa family computer.
haha, asar na asar pako nun, pag ang galing nila masyado maglaro.
Aaargh.. ang tagal naman! Ako naman!

tnry ko ulit maglaro.
deds agad.
haha.
haaays, never talaga ako naging henyo sa mga computer games.

i'm starting to miss my hair.
i know, i know, i know.
it was long overdue.. and i have no sane excuse to hold on to it.

---

"ano bang cut ang gusto mo?" said the very stylish Rico, the salon owner and my famed haircutter.
"yung medyo maikli lang (gesturing 3inches with my hand)... and yung may bangs?" i answered with a hesitation.
"ahh.. Dyosa pala ito.. with bangs.. anong bangs ang gusto mo? wild bangs?"
i panicked at the mere thought of wild, and blurted quickly, "hind! yung konting bangs lang."
"hmmmm.. pa-tweety-tweetie bengs lang pala gusto nito."

then he/she, the master, took his/her tools and went right down to business.
my hair were all over the place (literally).
i can hear my hair being cut through, *Zzzzz* Czzzzzz* Zzz-zZz *
my cutter was doing all these crazy layerings on my hair that i wouldn't dare to even look.

---

they say my new cut fits me better.
i look younger.. and fresher.. and up-to date.
i'm having a hard time trying to convince myself that they are right.

To A Dear Friend

To A dear friend,

Do not be sad. I know life has been hard this past few days.. or months.. or years. And I guess, it will only continue to be worse.. if you'll let it. There are things in life that we have done in the past that we are not proud of. Whatever those things may be, we can no longer take them back. What we can do is, to make sure we do not make the same mistakes again. And move forward, by committing that from this day on we are going to live a better life.

Forgive the people that have hurt you.
Forgive Yourself.
You are not anymore the person who they say or think you were. You, are not your past.
You, are the person you choose to be in the present. And you always have the power everyday, to reinvent yourself and become the person that you wish to be.

You have your whole life ahead of you. And I know, that there are so many many many great things that will be laid upon your feet. It is just yours for the taking.

I know I have said this a number of times before, but i will not be tired of reminding you.
I deeply believe in this.
Take hold of God's hand.
Reach in, and do not let go.
For in His mighty gentle hands, I promise you, you will not be harmed.
Hear Him. and Speak to Him.
Surrender to Him all that you keep in your heart.
You are strong, but with Him you will be stronger.
And with Him, surely, hope.. and love.. and serenity.. is over flowing.
with Him, you will find rest.

Do not be discouraged. For you are worth far more than any living thing in this world. No eyes have seen, no ears have heard, no mind has yet conceived, what God has prepared for you.

"I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
- Jeremiah 29:10-13

I love you friend.
And I want you to know that you will never be alone anything.
I'll always have your back. And God will always have your hand..

Take very good care of yourself.

Smile always,
Ola

get real

"I guarantee there'll be tough times.
I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing.
But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine,
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."
-Runaway Bride

can anything get more real than this.
Love is always a decision.

It's a choice, when you build a relationship.
It's a choice, when you let your heart get broken.
It's a choice, when you fight for what you deserve.

It has always been a choice
whether it's to slap your face with misery
or to cloak yourself with happiness.

there are no perfect outcomes.
at some point,
it will never be enough.
But then again..
what matters is you put a face on it.
Braved the waters.

At the dawn of morning
you will wake up with no what if's,
or what could've beens.
because you gave your best shot.

and you will have no regrets.

Life's questions

it's been a long day.

had dinner with jacq, eileen and cams right after their dance practice.
every one was tired, so it was easy for each of us to let out our angst
from work
from colleagues
from existing and non-existing love life
and from life in general.

got home around past 10 in the evening.
Tony called.
and heard the same story i just had over dinner.

"How can life be so unfair?"
"I've given so much, why don't i receive anything in return?"
"I want to be really happy just like every one else, when's my turn going to be?
"Where should I go, What should I do, Who should i run to?"
the many questions we all store in our minds and keep in our hearts.

are we asking for the wrong questions,
or are we looking for the answers we only want to hear?

and i realized..
we have all been warned.
by our elders,
our friends,
our textbooks,
our music,
our surroundings,
our experiences in Life..
"looks can be deceiving."
"not all that glistens, is gold."
"the best things in life are free."

not everything that's best for us is laid in a beautiful grand package
(like a bundle of us would have expected it to be..)
in most times, the best things are found in places we would not envision them to be.
and some times, it is in appreciating the simple things, that matters most.

I know that life can be hard,
but i also know this,
Life can mean so much more, if we'd only give it a chance.
It's not about who gets more, and who gets less.
why don't we have that, and why don't we have this.
The world does not owe us anything.
maybe,
the reason why we are so unhappy with our lives is because we keep on chasing for the wrong things that we thought will make us happy.
maybe because, we are too blind to see what is right in front of us,
or too ignorant to feel the present gently laid upon us.
just at out reach, silently waiting for us to grab it, and embrace it.

---

The Bible says,
"I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise
to bring you back to this place.
For i know the plans i have for you,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me,
and come and pray to me,
and i will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
-Jeremiah 29:10-13

we've all been trying to search for an answer to satisfy all our needs.
And all the while, i realize the answer is in this scripture.

unsent

Hi panget,

i missed you, just today.

you were once my familiar, and now it feels like we are strangers to each other. it seems as though you're happy now... That's really great, wonderful even. At least for now, i don't have to worry.

i'm sleeping well now.
and alone nights stopped to be such a torture.
i don't see you anymore in every love song i hear.
and i started to laugh again.. really laugh.

i miss you though.
we were friends once, and i miss having you around.
i miss our long walks, and having meals with you.
you were the brute who introduced me to jap food *laughs*
i will never forget that.

i miss your hugs, panget.

but some good things have to end,
so we can make room for greater things.

you have made me a better person, in more ways you know.
i will never regret you.

you take care,
Ola

the first time i fall in love was long ago
i didn't know how to give my love at all.
the next time i settled for what felt so close
but without romance, you're never gonna fall
after everything i've learned,
now it's finally my turn
this is the last time i'll fall... in love.

the first time we walked under that starry sky
there was a moment when everything was clear
i didn't need to ask or even wonder why
because each question is answered when you're near
and i'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds
this is the last time i'll fall in love.

now don't hold back, just let me know
could i be moving much too fast or way too slow
cause all my life, i've waited for this day
to find that once in a lifetime
this is it, i'll never be the same
you'll never know what it's taken me to say these words,
and now that i've said them, they could never be enough
as far as i can see, there's only you and only me.

this is the last time i'll fall in love.
last time i'll fall in love.
the last time i'll fall... in love.

The Last Time
-Eric Benet

I was talking to bes on the phone
when he played Eric Benet's The Last Time on the background.
I imagined myself having "my one" say those words to me.
I would have cried right then and there, if it was not bes that i was speaking to..
"ganda bes no.." he said.
"yes.." was my reply..
"do you still believe in that bes?.. loving someone and knowing she will be your last," I asked him.
he said yes.
I do too.

I was already on the verge of giving up on love.
somehow forever just seemed so distant, that it doesn't stand a chance to the world.
and then, this song revived me.
amazing how a simple composition can bring one back to life.

I have this knack for cheesiness.
a desire to be baduy.
If marrying means spending the rest of my life with "my one"
then give me kabuduyan, and i'll embrace it with open arms.

I searched for the lyrics of the song first thing in the morning,
and lo and behold, there it is.
the words of my beloved.
(whoever he is)

:-)

OTH - on losing your way

Lucas: "And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things. ' This year, I lost my way."

Nathan: "And losig your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel."

Peyton: "The journey lasted for months. sometimes i traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel--and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who arrived... it wasn't me at all."

Brooke: "And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely."

Mouth: Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

***

i just thought i'd share a line from One three Hill
and hope that this would help you find the person you are meant to be.

and if in the process you still lose your way,
please know my hand will always be yours to hold.

Ola: it's like i'm hanging on a thin line.. na any wrong move I make, can be the end of whatever "thing" we both have.
Dayon: kung meron talaga, meron.. kung wala, di yun dahil sa move na ginawa mo.

ahhh... a light at the end of the tunnel.
bat nga ba isip ako ng isip.
hayaan mo ang mga pangyayari ang magdala sa inyo sa dapat mangyari.

i felt a ray of light shunned upon me.
tama yung sinabi ni Dayon.
and then the feeling of pressure and confusion slowly fades
(at least even for a bit)
i realize..
I dont have to torture myself and over think of what's going to happen, or what's not.

let the chips fall where they may.

twiddler's care

i keep waiting for my life to get to the "amazing part" but i can't seem to get there.
always on the outside looking in.

God,
Have i become the person you would've wanted me to be?

stop me

advise nang lahat.
"i-enjoy mo lang.. have fun. H'wag ka masyadong pa-apekto."

But i cant.
No matter how hard i try not to, i still end up doing exactly the opposite.
i'm not structured that way.
i react.
i feel things.
okay, i guess at most times, more than what's expected.
but that's how i am. That's how i am built.
I cant just transform into somebody different overnight.
and think, i can just do this?
that i can just fly by this whole situation and end up not getting hurt.

every one will say (in unision),
"You have brought this upon yourself.."

I have, and i dont know how to stop.

saturday

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..

when you hear a sound like that,

you know there's some thing.
now what that 'some thing' is,
that's the thing that'll keep our minds brewing.

can be a good thing,
or can be the 'other-not-so-good-thing' thing.

So what is it.. that thing Thing??
(haha, confused na ako.)

there's always reasons behind these heavy long sighs.

and i cant seem to point a finger on it
or equate them into words.

sometimes its hard to find words to express the moments,
events,
or feelings
that meant everything to you.
most of the time, words cant even give justice.

so you settle with a sigh.
and hope to God, someone hears it.

***

i've been drinking a lot of coffee lately
i am convinced, caffeine does not affect me anymore.
but i give it a try anyway.

sometimes i find myself caught in the nasty web of extremes
pulling me back and forth to two different poles.
not thinking or over-thinking.
hating or loving
being too caring or being too apathetic
do i let the chips fall where they may
or do i fight for what i deserve?

it feels like the world is playing a trick on me.
and i seem to be on the losing end.
but we all know (from experience) the 'seemingly seems' may not always be the reality
in most cases,
they always turn out to be the opposite of what really is.

i know i have a choice...
i guess, i just have to make one
to win.

Birtday Celeb of ED and Cams at CME

*kaching* *kaching*
600 bucks flew out of my (already flat) wallet faster than the speed of light.
Whaaaaa.. How.. whaaadaheck did just happen??
i just bought chichis, 3 liters pepsi max, an ice tea pack, cheesedogs, and sisigs in cans.
that's all it, and it nearly cost me my life savings (okay, i'm exagerrating)
although our snacks and breakfast (for 9 hungry peeps) crippled my financial stability,
it felt nice knowing i'm providing for the nourishment of 9 growing kids jacq has to accommodate at her condo.
besides that's the least i can do for all the support they have generously given me for the past 3 years. (thanks friends, ayan ha natikman nyo na rin ang dugot pawis ko, maalat alat pa! sorry nalang sa mga di nkatikim. better luck next time.)

********

after doing some grocery shopping, our growling stomachs led us to (walang kamatayang finger-licking goooood) KFC. "mag-bucket tayo. mas mura." everyone agreed. we did some nifty computation to assure us of the damage. haaaaay.. wala na tlgang mura ngayon sa mundo.. we all end up buying one piece chicken meal for each, and settled for that. gagastos pa bukas eh~

********

lancaster, jacq's place:
aircon not working (we were warned)..
our warm breaths circulating the room,
and sweats forming on our foreheads (and yes, on other hidden places too).
we decided to cool ourselves and headed to the open pool of the building.
we're not supposed to be there, but no one has to know right?
hmmm.. the cold breeze caressing our faces, and with a nice view of the ortigas skyline. (Hellow SM!)
just perfect to complement a healthy Q&A/catching up/squeezing-some-juices out of our dear friends.

it's fun to argue.
it takes the angst out, and clears the mind.
of course what better topic than the differences of the two species God has so cleverly and intricately made:
Men and Women.
We all know it, and we all can't deny it.
there's a universe of difference between these two. but that doesn't mean, we can leave it laying flat like that, and continue with our lives looking (and heading) at different directions. Compromise.
It's all about learning from each other, and growing together.
It's pushing yourself to be better.
It's trying and wanting to understand.
It's extending not just only the tip of your fingers, but offering the strength of your arms.
We do not only enter in a relationship just to be accepted,
but also to be challenged to take those crucial steps of getting out of our comfort zone
and becoming the best person we can be.

********

ahhhhhhh.. tired finally.
but minds still racing.. and so much to kid around for. (daming baon na jokes at kwento)
i missed this.
and so we talked and talked and talked, until our eyes can't take it anymore.
i woke up with the smell of cheesedogs and sisig.
and discovered, i was the last woman (nope, not standing) sleeping.
we all ate breakfast. watched (mild daw sabi ni fej) porn. (hey we're just curious!)

took some pictures to start the day, and went off to CME (Club Manila East) for the main event.

********

Highlights of the day:

First Dip: Ahhhhhh.. our first summer gettaway of the year with the group. got excited at testing and dipping into the waters.


Kayaking: all went kayaking except for me and anna. haaaaaaay.. wrong decision. (im scared i might fall off) but i had fun taking their pictures. i had some great shots.

Wave Pool: whaaaaaa... scared at first, but got the hang of it as mins flew by. it was quite tiring, but it's the collective effort of the group that made the experience a lot of fun (minus people nudging your chest, or accidentally knocking your head, and inhaling pool water into your nose).


Pool Charades: hahaha. definitely my most favorite activity of the day. (minigraine ako dun) can't decide on who the best player is, whether it's jacq for the doing the 'sounds like' action of typing in a computer.. only to learn that its friendster supposed to be sounding like "forest". (ay oo jacq, gets namin yun!) or Feji, for acting out Swan Princess, and seeming like a Pope, Duke, and a big Dragon, or Eileen for being able to guess the answer "Babangon Ako, at Dudurugin Kita" in one action. haaaaaaaay.. Super Laugh trip!

********

it was a weekend to remember. a nice way to start off a great summer.

ένα χτύπημα στην ήδη σημαδεμένη καρδιά μου.

When's my Next?

everybody's seem to be having their fair share of summer fun.
wonder when's mine gonna be.

i need my (once in a while) dose of sea, sand, and sun.
it feels like my last one
(island hopping at puerto princessa with my dearie almira)
happened eons of months ago.
i'm already itching for my next big trip.

***

My Donsol gettaway was a burst bubble.
what's supposed to be an experience with butandings
turned into an affair of idle time at work and brewing a plan on how to snatch my new crushie.
dont i have any better things to do???

haaaaaaay, i definitely need my vitamins..
re-living my bora vacation with ava, marian, and wanna..
as i peek into jani's bora album at multiply.
ahhh.. a place of heaven.




Come Sunday.
Club Manila East will be our paradise.

oh well, if i can't have the beach just yet,
a trip to the pool will do. :)
i may not have the view, but i can have all the laughter i need.
hey, i got my GF girls with me, what more can i ask for.

Super Heart

sometimes i marvel at the vision i see,
as i stop and ponder
what hearts are really made of..

in life, i've come to realize
that our hearts are the strongest organ we have.
it's so invincible, it stands even at the most arduous of times.
it challenges the depths of its limits,
it can defy the gravity of patience, principle, and truth.

our persistent hearts often choose to grasp onto things not meant for us.
it falls in the abyss of the unknown.
it comforts itself in the winter of its loneliness.
it takes courage from a single laugh, a gentle touch,
a soft whisper from a friend.

it at times shatters,
it bleeds,
it breaks down to pieces.
and with a sprinkle of care,
it puts itself back to whole again.

fascinating isn't it?
...the wonders of a beating heart.

what hearts are really made of?
its a mystery, we all have yet to unfold.

they say we have a crazy family.



hmmmmmm..
that's not so bad right?


on the night of saturday last 19th of April,
my dad, mom, kuya, ate, bunso, tita, gerps ni kuya, (kumpleto!) and I, all went straight to Laguna to attend my cousin's little kid bunso, (so that makes her my pamangkin!) Kate's 7th birthday. They rented a private pool for an overnight partaaaaaaay (includes 3 airconditioned rooms, billiards table, and the most important of it all.. a Videoke!)

As usual, we came in late, but this time we got there ahead from the rest of the Plamenco Clan. In family gatherings like these we usually get teased for not being on time, and for always being the ones to get to the meeting place last (my mom's the culprit, i'm telling you).


Here's some shots taken on that faithful night:




Kate (the birthday girl) wearing the princess Belle gown, with her cousin and my pamangkin Ginger.








gorgeous peeps, starting the night at the veranda
(from left to right):
getty, me, kaye, claudette, sam, au, grace







fooling around! throwing people to the pool. (ang lalim kaya) lahat basa na except for me! ahahha beh!!







after sampling the videoke.. pose muna.








astig pic, drinking the night away. one bottle plang for me.











taking a dip with sisters, cousins, and pamangkin.