reality kicks

Year Ender Message

2011-12-30T11:26:00.000+08:00

Christmas has always been that special time when people get to be a little bit nicer, a little bit more happier, a little bit more forgiving. It's that time of the year when we try to forget the bad things, and see the world as how it really is.. A Gift.

And as the year ends, I can never be thankful enough for the gifts I have received. Strength. Experience. Wisdom. Laughter. Happiness. Family. Friends. Love. Life. These are the things that always matter. Thank you every one for being such a blessing, and becoming a wonderful part of this year.

We have gone through a lot. But with each others help, we came out strong and survived the battle. And they say, to every ending, there is a new beginning waiting. And with that said, I want to end this year with an eager smile and a hopeful heart, because I know the next coming year will be amazing for all of us.

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas as I have, and Cheers to a Happy New Year!

Praise God!

2011-08-29T00:33:00.000+08:00

Hindi ang biyaya, o ang pagpapala

Hindi lahat ito

Pagkat Hesus, Ikaw ang Mahal ko.

--------

If I can count the ways on how God has been so Good in my life, i would've spent all my breaths, and still not be able to finish.

He has been my Father, My friend, My love.

My comfort. My constant help in times of need.

My heart overflows with happiness and cries for joy, as he reveals his presence in my life.

For He has never failed to show how much i am loved.

--------

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.

Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty,

"and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven

and pour out so much blessing

that you will not have room enough for it."

-Malachi 3:10

Indeed when you let God take hold of your life

and follow his will.

He will open the gates of heaven and pour out his blessings to anyone who believes.

I know now, that whatever happens,

That I do not have to worry, because God is in control.

Praise and worship to God!

In Jesus Christ name! :)

2011-03-19T00:46:00.002+08:00

Hello there,

It's been such a while since the last time.
you haven't heard from me for almost a year now..

i've been busy.. or at least, i've been trying to.

I miss a lot of things nowadays.
old friends.
reading.
lounging in the beach.
giggling.
writing.
holding hands.

but mostly, i miss not feeling scared.
i miss not holding back.

i'm not quite sure yet, how my life will turn out to be.
but i'd like to believe, that one day I will look back
and remember that life has been good to me.
and that I am exactly where I should be.

hope you'll hear from me again soon.
:)

Last Night's Dream

2010-03-23T11:48:00.002+08:00

Dreams can sometimes be a piss.
Right when it's supposed to be gettin better
that's when you lose it and start waking up.

***
I was with Pakner, Nadine, Junee, Gaines, and the gang at the mall.
I was hanging out with them, shopping, laughing, and congratulating them for being able to graduate with flying colors. :)

In dreams, you can do anything.
So in that dream, I was a super woman.
I do not have the flying-telekenetic-out-of-the-ordinary-superpower.
But I knew then, although still afraid, that I can move mountains If I wanted to.

I was all over the place.
Heights has always been an obstacle for me in real life.
But I manage to get stuff for Nadz and the gang,
I was in high places I never imagined I can even reach.

I was jumping off tables and clearing of chairs with grace.
I breeze through blocks that hinders me from doing what I was supposed to do.
I was tired, but i knew I can do more.
The mall was my jungle, and I was my own hero.

That was the weird part, anyway.

We went to a restaurant to eat some and celebrate their triumph.
We were all on our seats, Happily chatting, and reminiscing the day that has been.
And I finally had to go.
Dad was waiting. My ticket ride home.

An unfamiliar voice from across the table was heard.
"Matatagalan pa ba kayo.."
I suddenly was aware of the stranger's presence in front of me.
I looked around and saw the restaurant filling up.
Marami na palang tao.. I thought.
He was alone, with a tray of food in his hands, I knew he wanted to hurry and know the answer.
"Ah No, sorry, patapos na kami," I said in a rush, and smiled.
"I was just reminding them on how much I was such a good friend to them. Mga hindi man lang nag thank you sa lahat ng mga ginawa ko. (pointing at my super power favors I did for them)," I added, and threw a sarcastic look at them and laughed.
"They can buy you at least some fries to show gratitude. Or you can have mine..," He nonchalantly replied.
"What?" I didn't seem to hear that last remark right.
He placed his tray on my table, and sat.
"Or they can have my fries, and you can stay put. I'm starving."
Junee, got a single fries from the stranger's tray, stucked it in his mouth and snickered.
They were all looking at me,
"What?" I still say.
He motioned to our table, and realized I was stuck.
If I insist on leaving, he and everyone else would have to stand up again, and move all the tables.
My super powers were gone.
Suddenly, I was not so swift anymore.

"You had long day." He pointed at his tummy, and signaled he has to eat.
He shoved his french fries in front of me, ate his burger and gave me a foolish smile.

Pakner, who was on his left, had to say something
"Her name is Ola, by the way." She blurted out with her wide smile.
He answered back, grinning.
"I'm Ben."

I lose it.
And I was awake.

***

Donya, RN

2010-03-23T10:40:00.002+08:00

Donsky, you know I'm proud of you at all times.
You have always been my dear bubbly good good friend.
And I know that you can do any thing that you can put your heart into.

Love you DOnsky. :)

2009-06-24T15:18:00.001+08:00

I dreamt last night,
I was in the arms of someone that I love,
and loves me back.
And in my dream, I confessed my feelings like saying hello to an old-time friend.
In return, he smiled, and hugged me in the most comforting way.
He held me close, rubbed my hair, and said he felt the same.

but unlike in dreamland,
doing things your way, does not always work in the real world.
because if you do,
most often than not, it backfires.

you do things your way,
and you end up sleeping with wet pillows,
and waking up with big puffy eyes.

Where the Love lasts Forever - Hillsong United

2009-05-26T17:52:00.003+08:00

Your mercy found me
upon the broken road
and lifted me beyond my failing.
Into your glory
my sin and shame dissolved
and now forever yours I'll stand.

In love never to end
to call you more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So i throw my life upon all that you are
cause I know you gave it all for me.
And when all else fades
my soul will dance with you,
where the love lasts forever.

Dibidi, Bisidi, Dibidi, Bisidi.

2009-04-17T10:11:00.003+08:00

A night after suffering a terrible migraine,
(Oh God, let this be just another one of those migraines. - this is me, being paranoid.)
I decided to take the day off and skip work (yey).

With my head still heavy,
i popped in some of those pirated dvds my brother stocks in his room.
porn. no..
porn. no..
Lord of the Rings trilogy. too long..
Twilight. Very Bad copy..
Prison Break. not in the mood.. too much men.
CSI. had enough of Ted Failon's case.. too depressing.
One Three Hill.. not working, argh.
Benjamin Button.. so, so.
Transporter.
Click.
Movie by Clint Eastwood.
Bang Bus 3. another porn. no.. no.. no.. and no!
Where in my sweet perv brother's name is Slumdog Millionaire?
rummaging, rummage, rummage, rummaging. (kunwari may tunog)
Ahhh.. Before Sunset.. Can be.
Although I would rather watch again Before Sunrise, the sequel will do.

I've always liked the thought of how two different people meet in one unpremeditated place (Paris wouldn't be at all bad.. c: )
exchanged ideas and realized they're with someone they feel like they've been with all of their lives.

I guess that's what I'm looking for as well.
Sometimes when I'm alone, or when i travel, or at some random new place,
I imagine myself bumping into some (decent) stranger
he'll say somethin funny, and we'll talk, and we'll get to know each other.
We'll speak our mind, and we can just talk about anything,
and not get embarrassed.. or conscious.
and he will listen.. really listen.

And he'll speak about his thoughts, his views,
it may seem stupid, or smart, or amusing, or senseless, or it may mean the world
and i may even disagree about it, and he, vise versa to my views.
and it's still going to be.. okay.

we'll be serious, and we'll be laughing,
and we can be silent..
and the time spent together will still fly by.

And this is me, by the way, being cheesy and romantic.

I guess I still have'nt found that person.
And maybe if I do,
i'll ask him to marry me.. Fast.

(sana bago mag December.. HAHA. Iba na panahon ngayon! )
Hehe.

Courage id Facing Fear in the Eye

2009-02-21T16:33:00.000+08:00

Alan Cohen:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Browsing through the net, i came across profiles of old friends, acquaintances, and some familiar faces. And they say, change is inevitable. They sure have all changed.

I stopped, and checked myself..

What has happened to me in the past years? Did I changed into a person I can be proud of? Have I become the person I've always wanted to be?

Let's see.. I've always wanted to:

be a writer... cross
be a pre-school teacher... cross
be a professional singer... cross cross.
be a clinical psychologist.. cross
be a wife, a mother.. not yet.

be fit, with firm arms, legs, and a killer abs... need more motivation.
be more confident... check
be more independent... partly check.
be more organized... cross.
be more friendly... check.
be wiser... check.

travel more... check.
gain real friends and lose the fake ones... check.
learn how to drive... cross.
learn how to swim... cross.
learn how to cook... trying.
learn how to listen... check.
hate less and to love more... check.
say what I mean, and mean what I say... check.
do the things I am afraid to do... check (some, haha).

Heights. I am afraid of Heights. Walking at an overpass. Leaning over from a 5th floor and above. Riding elevators going over 20th floor. Anchor's Away. Plane rides. Anything that has something to do with my two feet not touching a stable ground. Name it, and you won't find me in my happiest mood.

I was able to face that fear in the eye when we were at Cagayan De Oro. I figured, in my 25th year, I should, by all means, learn to live outside my comfortzone and be able to survive it. All my life i've been trying to be safe.. avoiding being hurt and living a very normal, boring life. And I guess, with that, I realized i was wasting too much of precious time. Life is too short, to be wasted sitting on a rock.

And so I did it.

We went Canopy walking (braving a canopy bridge, below a hundred feet abyss), rapelling, and zip lining (the slide of life). Okay, I was quite the cause of delay of the group. But I was trying. Fear is a bit hard to fight with. A battle not too easy to win. We also braved 14 rapids of the famous CDO river. Armed with only a paddle, a dependable life vest, and a hopeful heart, cramped in a raft (good for only 7 - 8 people), we survived the challenge of the river for a good 2 hours and a half. Then after, We finished with thumping hearts and high spirits. We did it. I did it. I made it out.. Alive. and Changed.

I knew I was a better person after.

And from then on, I knew I can be better.
I can do more, and be better.

And I knew, I'm still afraid of so many things.
But now i know, I can conquer them, if I need to.. If i want to.

Our God is a Mighty God!

2009-02-20T15:12:00.005+08:00

Naks.

sabi sayo eh, do your best, and God will do the rest.

Grats Bes! proud of ya! :)

For The Meantime

2009-02-17T20:27:00.002+08:00

A fave Forwarded E-mail.

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One".
You know, she's the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.

But she's cool , and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Silver Year

2009-02-04T01:13:00.003+08:00

I'm an Aquarius.
born 4th of February, 1984.

Hurray.
It's my Birthday.
25th Birthday, to be exact.

parang ngayon lang yata nangyari to..
It's my day.. but it feels like it's not.

Problem sa bahay.
Problem sa pera.
Problem sa friend.
Problem sa office.
tumatanda ng walang ipon,
wala pang love life.

haaay.. anubayan.

I opened my yahoo mail, and read my daily horoscope.
wala lang.. i don't really believe in them, pero natutuwa lang akong basahin sya once in a while.

"You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about saying no. In fact, embrace your freedom and ability to stand on your own two feet. Time is tight, so when you're asked to take on more work, consider declining the offer. You need plenty of social space right now."

Haha.
sakto yun ah.

yes.. i need space.
ika nga ni Twinkle.. "Can I breathe?"

itutuloy ko ang leave and travel ko, whatever happens.
i deserved it.
Bahala na pag-uwi.

2009-01-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Bes.

I waited for the clock to strike 12.
I could have slept all the way through, as the girls and I just got home from Batangas.
but I just couldn't bear not to greet you, first thing.

While lying in bed, I grabbed the magic 8th ball from my bag and with my eyes wide shut, I silently asked..
"Is bes with Sheen now?"
Shook the ball for just a bit, and with one eye half-open, I read the answer.
--Without a doubt.
Oh, just perfect. Pasaway talaga.
"Should I call to greet him?"
--Yes.
"Would he be happy if I called?"
--It is certain.

That was it for me.
Everyone, deserves a 12 a.m. greeting-call on their birthday, right?
I decided, waiting for 30mins more, will be worth it.

12:00 a.m. 19January 2009.
My phone blasted it's alarm.
*alarm* Bes 25. *alarm*

I picked up my phone, and dialed your number.
You answered with a warm smile.
"Hi bes! :)"
"Hi bes, Happy Birthday. :)"

I can hear you were busy.
And from then on it was confirmed, you were indeed with her.

Of course.

You said she was the first to greet you.
I was late. Again.

It felt weird.
you sounded happy, but i didn't know if it was the real deal.
i wanted it to be, but I'm not sure if you were with the right person.

I quickly said my goodbyes and take cares.
you replied with a lot of thankyous and a big smile.
I knew you were having a great time.
and I guess.. that was enough for me.

Although I still do not think that she is the best girl for you,
i didn't dare to spoil your mood.
What can I say, it's YOUR day bes.
You deserved that smile on your face, and that twinkle in your eye.
that sweet hug.
that warm tug on your hand.
that moment, when you can just forget everything.
and that 12 a.m. birthday company.

---
bukas nalang kita sesermonan.

Sent Message

2008-12-01T14:12:00.004+08:00

"Are you saying, I should wait for her?"
"How much do you like her."
"Enough to make her my partner in life."
"Then why are you giving up."
"When you really want something.. You go and get it.
You don't just sit there in a rock and wait for it to get to you."
Send.
Recently used. Select.
Select.
Ok.
Sent Message.

My words flew to its receiver like leaves blown softly by the wind.
They echoed back to me with a prick,
as i realized that these words are actually coming from me.
What was I saying..
I cannot even follow my own advice.

I guess there are lessons that do not work for every one.
I'm deciding, this one does not count for me.

Catch and Release

2008-10-26T22:34:00.006+08:00

It's one of those lazy Saturday afternoons,
channel surfing, and decided to look into HBO.
hmmmm... i hope this time it's a good one.

It's Jennifer Garner.
I like her.
She's charming, fit, and pretty
She's.. sweet-looking, and she has dimples too.
In shortness, Jennifer G.'s my girl-crush.

I caught my girl crush in a kitchen scene with a guy, fixing a late-night snack.

Gray (J.G.): Are you lonely?
Fritz (unknown actor): Right now.. No. *smiles*
Gray: I meant, in general.. You must be lonely..
Gray: Who do you tell your stories to?
Fritz: Well.. I just keep them to myself.
Gray: That's a tragedy.

****

Every one has their own stories to tell.
happy.. crazy.. scary.. exciting.. sad ones.
It must be hell not to have someone to share it with.

not everyone has the patience to put up with every kind of shananigans our minds can cook up.
maybe that's the whole reason why we keep on trying to search the world and back for someone who can hear our stories, and not be disgusted.
because when we finally find that someone..
we'll never be lonely.

Playing Mario

2008-10-18T23:16:00.002+08:00

i'm missing a lot of things lately..

haaaay.. nakaka miss ang maging bata.
parang noon lang tabi tabi kami ng mga kapatid ko,
at salitang naglalaro ng Mario sa family computer.
haha, asar na asar pako nun, pag ang galing nila masyado maglaro.
Aaargh.. ang tagal naman! Ako naman!

tnry ko ulit maglaro.
deds agad.
haha.
haaays, never talaga ako naging henyo sa mga computer games.

2008-10-11T20:30:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to miss my hair.
i know, i know, i know.
it was long overdue.. and i have no sane excuse to hold on to it.

---

"ano bang cut ang gusto mo?" said the very stylish Rico, the salon owner and my famed haircutter.
"yung medyo maikli lang (gesturing 3inches with my hand)... and yung may bangs?" i answered with a hesitation.
"ahh.. Dyosa pala ito.. with bangs.. anong bangs ang gusto mo? wild bangs?"
i panicked at the mere thought of wild, and blurted quickly, "hind! yung konting bangs lang."
"hmmmm.. pa-tweety-tweetie bengs lang pala gusto nito."

then he/she, the master, took his/her tools and went right down to business.
my hair were all over the place (literally).
i can hear my hair being cut through, *Zzzzz* Czzzzzz* Zzz-zZz *
my cutter was doing all these crazy layerings on my hair that i wouldn't dare to even look.

---

they say my new cut fits me better.
i look younger.. and fresher.. and up-to date.
i'm having a hard time trying to convince myself that they are right.

To A Dear Friend

2008-10-04T02:33:00.003+08:00

To A dear friend,

Do not be sad. I know life has been hard this past few days.. or months.. or years. And I guess, it will only continue to be worse.. if you'll let it. There are things in life that we have done in the past that we are not proud of. Whatever those things may be, we can no longer take them back. What we can do is, to make sure we do not make the same mistakes again. And move forward, by committing that from this day on we are going to live a better life.

Forgive the people that have hurt you.
Forgive Yourself.
You are not anymore the person who they say or think you were. You, are not your past.
You, are the person you choose to be in the present. And you always have the power everyday, to reinvent yourself and become the person that you wish to be.

You have your whole life ahead of you. And I know, that there are so many many many great things that will be laid upon your feet. It is just yours for the taking.

I know I have said this a number of times before, but i will not be tired of reminding you.
I deeply believe in this.
Take hold of God's hand.
Reach in, and do not let go.
For in His mighty gentle hands, I promise you, you will not be harmed.
Hear Him. and Speak to Him.
Surrender to Him all that you keep in your heart.
You are strong, but with Him you will be stronger.
And with Him, surely, hope.. and love.. and serenity.. is over flowing.
with Him, you will find rest.

Do not be discouraged. For you are worth far more than any living thing in this world. No eyes have seen, no ears have heard, no mind has yet conceived, what God has prepared for you.

"I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
- Jeremiah 29:10-13

I love you friend.
And I want you to know that you will never be alone anything.
I'll always have your back. And God will always have your hand..

Take very good care of yourself.

Smile always,
Ola

get real

2008-08-21T21:49:00.002+08:00

"I guarantee there'll be tough times.
I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing.
But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine,
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."
-Runaway Bride

can anything get more real than this.
Love is always a decision.

It's a choice, when you build a relationship.
It's a choice, when you let your heart get broken.
It's a choice, when you fight for what you deserve.

It has always been a choice
whether it's to slap your face with misery
or to cloak yourself with happiness.

there are no perfect outcomes.
at some point,
it will never be enough.
But then again..
what matters is you put a face on it.
Braved the waters.

At the dawn of morning
you will wake up with no what if's,
or what could've beens.
because you gave your best shot.

and you will have no regrets.

Life's questions

2008-07-17T00:54:00.003+08:00

it's been a long day.

had dinner with jacq, eileen and cams right after their dance practice.
every one was tired, so it was easy for each of us to let out our angst
from work
from colleagues
from existing and non-existing love life
and from life in general.

got home around past 10 in the evening.
Tony called.
and heard the same story i just had over dinner.

"How can life be so unfair?"
"I've given so much, why don't i receive anything in return?"
"I want to be really happy just like every one else, when's my turn going to be?
"Where should I go, What should I do, Who should i run to?"
the many questions we all store in our minds and keep in our hearts.

are we asking for the wrong questions,
or are we looking for the answers we only want to hear?

and i realized..
we have all been warned.
by our elders,
our friends,
our textbooks,
our music,
our surroundings,
our experiences in Life..
"looks can be deceiving."
"not all that glistens, is gold."
"the best things in life are free."

not everything that's best for us is laid in a beautiful grand package
(like a bundle of us would have expected it to be..)
in most times, the best things are found in places we would not envision them to be.
and some times, it is in appreciating the simple things, that matters most.

I know that life can be hard,
but i also know this,
Life can mean so much more, if we'd only give it a chance.
It's not about who gets more, and who gets less.
why don't we have that, and why don't we have this.
The world does not owe us anything.
maybe,
the reason why we are so unhappy with our lives is because we keep on chasing for the wrong things that we thought will make us happy.
maybe because, we are too blind to see what is right in front of us,
or too ignorant to feel the present gently laid upon us.
just at out reach, silently waiting for us to grab it, and embrace it.

---

The Bible says,
"I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise
to bring you back to this place.
For i know the plans i have for you,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me,
and come and pray to me,
and i will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
-Jeremiah 29:10-13

we've all been trying to search for an answer to satisfy all our needs.
And all the while, i realize the answer is in this scripture.

unsent

2008-07-13T17:54:00.002+08:00

Hi panget,

i missed you, just today.

you were once my familiar, and now it feels like we are strangers to each other. it seems as though you're happy now... That's really great, wonderful even. At least for now, i don't have to worry.

i'm sleeping well now.
and alone nights stopped to be such a torture.
i don't see you anymore in every love song i hear.
and i started to laugh again.. really laugh.

i miss you though.
we were friends once, and i miss having you around.
i miss our long walks, and having meals with you.
you were the brute who introduced me to jap food *laughs*
i will never forget that.

i miss your hugs, panget.

but some good things have to end,
so we can make room for greater things.

you have made me a better person, in more ways you know.
i will never regret you.

you take care,
Ola

2008-07-09T09:12:00.003+08:00

the first time i fall in love was long ago
i didn't know how to give my love at all.
the next time i settled for what felt so close
but without romance, you're never gonna fall
after everything i've learned,
now it's finally my turn
this is the last time i'll fall... in love.

the first time we walked under that starry sky
there was a moment when everything was clear
i didn't need to ask or even wonder why
because each question is answered when you're near
and i'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds
this is the last time i'll fall in love.

now don't hold back, just let me know
could i be moving much too fast or way too slow
cause all my life, i've waited for this day
to find that once in a lifetime
this is it, i'll never be the same
you'll never know what it's taken me to say these words,
and now that i've said them, they could never be enough
as far as i can see, there's only you and only me.

this is the last time i'll fall in love.
last time i'll fall in love.
the last time i'll fall... in love.

The Last Time
-Eric Benet

I was talking to bes on the phone
when he played Eric Benet's The Last Time on the background.
I imagined myself having "my one" say those words to me.
I would have cried right then and there, if it was not bes that i was speaking to..
"ganda bes no.." he said.
"yes.." was my reply..
"do you still believe in that bes?.. loving someone and knowing she will be your last," I asked him.
he said yes.
I do too.

I was already on the verge of giving up on love.
somehow forever just seemed so distant, that it doesn't stand a chance to the world.
and then, this song revived me.
amazing how a simple composition can bring one back to life.

I have this knack for cheesiness.
a desire to be baduy.
If marrying means spending the rest of my life with "my one"
then give me kabuduyan, and i'll embrace it with open arms.

I searched for the lyrics of the song first thing in the morning,
and lo and behold, there it is.
the words of my beloved.
(whoever he is)

:-)

OTH - on losing your way

2008-06-07T03:01:00.003+08:00

Lucas: "And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things. ' This year, I lost my way."

Nathan: "And losig your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel."

Peyton: "The journey lasted for months. sometimes i traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel--and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who arrived... it wasn't me at all."

Brooke: "And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely."

Mouth: Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

***

i just thought i'd share a line from One three Hill
and hope that this would help you find the person you are meant to be.

and if in the process you still lose your way,
please know my hand will always be yours to hold.

2008-06-03T16:31:00.003+08:00

Ola: it's like i'm hanging on a thin line.. na any wrong move I make, can be the end of whatever "thing" we both have.
Dayon: kung meron talaga, meron.. kung wala, di yun dahil sa move na ginawa mo.

ahhh... a light at the end of the tunnel.
bat nga ba isip ako ng isip.
hayaan mo ang mga pangyayari ang magdala sa inyo sa dapat mangyari.

i felt a ray of light shunned upon me.
tama yung sinabi ni Dayon.
and then the feeling of pressure and confusion slowly fades
(at least even for a bit)
i realize..
I dont have to torture myself and over think of what's going to happen, or what's not.

let the chips fall where they may.

twiddler's care

2008-05-29T13:18:00.003+08:00

i keep waiting for my life to get to the "amazing part" but i can't seem to get there.
always on the outside looking in.

God,
Have i become the person you would've wanted me to be?

stop me

2008-05-12T22:07:00.004+08:00

advise nang lahat.
"i-enjoy mo lang.. have fun. H'wag ka masyadong pa-apekto."

But i cant.
No matter how hard i try not to, i still end up doing exactly the opposite.
i'm not structured that way.
i react.
i feel things.
okay, i guess at most times, more than what's expected.
but that's how i am. That's how i am built.
I cant just transform into somebody different overnight.
and think, i can just do this?
that i can just fly by this whole situation and end up not getting hurt.

every one will say (in unision),
"You have brought this upon yourself.."

I have, and i dont know how to stop.

saturday

2008-05-09T19:06:00.006+08:00

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..

when you hear a sound like that,

you know there's some thing.
now what that 'some thing' is,
that's the thing that'll keep our minds brewing.

can be a good thing,
or can be the 'other-not-so-good-thing' thing.

So what is it.. that thing Thing??
(haha, confused na ako.)

there's always reasons behind these heavy long sighs.

and i cant seem to point a finger on it
or equate them into words.

sometimes its hard to find words to express the moments,
events,
or feelings
that meant everything to you.
most of the time, words cant even give justice.

so you settle with a sigh.
and hope to God, someone hears it.

***

i've been drinking a lot of coffee lately
i am convinced, caffeine does not affect me anymore.
but i give it a try anyway.

sometimes i find myself caught in the nasty web of extremes
pulling me back and forth to two different poles.
not thinking or over-thinking.
hating or loving
being too caring or being too apathetic
do i let the chips fall where they may
or do i fight for what i deserve?

it feels like the world is playing a trick on me.
and i seem to be on the losing end.
but we all know (from experience) the 'seemingly seems' may not always be the reality
in most cases,
they always turn out to be the opposite of what really is.

i know i have a choice...
i guess, i just have to make one
to win.

Birtday Celeb of ED and Cams at CME

2008-05-06T22:07:00.011+08:00

*kaching* *kaching*
600 bucks flew out of my (already flat) wallet faster than the speed of light.
Whaaaaa.. How.. whaaadaheck did just happen??
i just bought chichis, 3 liters pepsi max, an ice tea pack, cheesedogs, and sisigs in cans.
that's all it, and it nearly cost me my life savings (okay, i'm exagerrating)
although our snacks and breakfast (for 9 hungry peeps) crippled my financial stability,
it felt nice knowing i'm providing for the nourishment of 9 growing kids jacq has to accommodate at her condo.
besides that's the least i can do for all the support they have generously given me for the past 3 years. (thanks friends, ayan ha natikman nyo na rin ang dugot pawis ko, maalat alat pa! sorry nalang sa mga di nkatikim. better luck next time.)

********

after doing some grocery shopping, our growling stomachs led us to (walang kamatayang finger-licking goooood) KFC. "mag-bucket tayo. mas mura." everyone agreed. we did some nifty computation to assure us of the damage. haaaaay.. wala na tlgang mura ngayon sa mundo.. we all end up buying one piece chicken meal for each, and settled for that. gagastos pa bukas eh~

********

lancaster, jacq's place:
aircon not working (we were warned)..
our warm breaths circulating the room,
and sweats forming on our foreheads (and yes, on other hidden places too).
we decided to cool ourselves and headed to the open pool of the building.
we're not supposed to be there, but no one has to know right?
hmmm.. the cold breeze caressing our faces, and with a nice view of the ortigas skyline. (Hellow SM!)
just perfect to complement a healthy Q&A/catching up/squeezing-some-juices out of our dear friends.

it's fun to argue.
it takes the angst out, and clears the mind.
of course what better topic than the differences of the two species God has so cleverly and intricately made:
Men and Women.
We all know it, and we all can't deny it.
there's a universe of difference between these two. but that doesn't mean, we can leave it laying flat like that, and continue with our lives looking (and heading) at different directions. Compromise.
It's all about learning from each other, and growing together.
It's pushing yourself to be better.
It's trying and wanting to understand.
It's extending not just only the tip of your fingers, but offering the strength of your arms.
We do not only enter in a relationship just to be accepted,
but also to be challenged to take those crucial steps of getting out of our comfort zone
and becoming the best person we can be.

********

ahhhhhhh.. tired finally.
but minds still racing.. and so much to kid around for. (daming baon na jokes at kwento)
i missed this.
and so we talked and talked and talked, until our eyes can't take it anymore.
i woke up with the smell of cheesedogs and sisig.
and discovered, i was the last woman (nope, not standing) sleeping.
we all ate breakfast. watched (mild daw sabi ni fej) porn. (hey we're just curious!)

took some pictures to start the day, and went off to CME (Club Manila East) for the main event.

********

Highlights of the day:

First Dip: Ahhhhhh.. our first summer gettaway of the year with the group. got excited at testing and dipping into the waters.

Kayaking: all went kayaking except for me and anna. haaaaaaay.. wrong decision. (im scared i might fall off) but i had fun taking their pictures. i had some great shots.

Wave Pool: whaaaaaa... scared at first, but got the hang of it as mins flew by. it was quite tiring, but it's the collective effort of the group that made the experience a lot of fun (minus people nudging your chest, or accidentally knocking your head, and inhaling pool water into your nose).

Pool Charades: hahaha. definitely my most favorite activity of the day. (minigraine ako dun) can't decide on who the best player is, whether it's jacq for the doing the 'sounds like' action of typing in a computer.. only to learn that its friendster supposed to be sounding like "forest". (ay oo jacq, gets namin yun!) or Feji, for acting out Swan Princess, and seeming like a Pope, Duke, and a big Dragon, or Eileen for being able to guess the answer "Babangon Ako, at Dudurugin Kita" in one action. haaaaaaaay.. Super Laugh trip!

********

it was a weekend to remember. a nice way to start off a great summer.

2008-05-03T01:44:00.000+08:00

ένα χτύπημα στην ήδη σημαδεμένη καρδιά μου.

When's my Next?

2008-05-01T22:55:00.003+08:00

everybody's seem to be having their fair share of summer fun.
wonder when's mine gonna be.

i need my (once in a while) dose of sea, sand, and sun.
it feels like my last one
(island hopping at puerto princessa with my dearie almira)
happened eons of months ago.
i'm already itching for my next big trip.

***

My Donsol gettaway was a burst bubble.
what's supposed to be an experience with butandings
turned into an affair of idle time at work and brewing a plan on how to snatch my new crushie.
dont i have any better things to do???

haaaaaaay, i definitely need my vitamins..
re-living my bora vacation with ava, marian, and wanna..
as i peek into jani's bora album at multiply.
ahhh.. a place of heaven.

Come Sunday.
Club Manila East will be our paradise.

oh well, if i can't have the beach just yet,
a trip to the pool will do. :)
i may not have the view, but i can have all the laughter i need.
hey, i got my GF girls with me, what more can i ask for.

Super Heart

2008-04-29T21:34:00.005+08:00

sometimes i marvel at the vision i see,
as i stop and ponder
what hearts are really made of..

in life, i've come to realize
that our hearts are the strongest organ we have.
it's so invincible, it stands even at the most arduous of times.
it challenges the depths of its limits,
it can defy the gravity of patience, principle, and truth.

our persistent hearts often choose to grasp onto things not meant for us.
it falls in the abyss of the unknown.
it comforts itself in the winter of its loneliness.
it takes courage from a single laugh, a gentle touch,
a soft whisper from a friend.

it at times shatters,
it bleeds,
it breaks down to pieces.
and with a sprinkle of care,
it puts itself back to whole again.

fascinating isn't it?
...the wonders of a beating heart.

what hearts are really made of?
its a mystery, we all have yet to unfold.

2008-04-22T23:01:00.010+08:00

they say we have a crazy family.

hmmmmmm..
that's not so bad right?

on the night of saturday last 19th of April,
my dad, mom, kuya, ate, bunso, tita, gerps ni kuya, (kumpleto!) and I, all went straight to Laguna to attend my cousin's little kid bunso, (so that makes her my pamangkin!) Kate's 7th birthday. They rented a private pool for an overnight partaaaaaaay (includes 3 airconditioned rooms, billiards table, and the most important of it all.. a Videoke!)

As usual, we came in late, but this time we got there ahead from the rest of the Plamenco Clan. In family gatherings like these we usually get teased for not being on time, and for always being the ones to get to the meeting place last (my mom's the culprit, i'm telling you).

Here's some shots taken on that faithful night:

Kate (the birthday girl) wearing the princess Belle gown, with her cousin and my pamangkin Ginger.

gorgeous peeps, starting the night at the veranda
(from left to right):
getty, me, kaye, claudette, sam, au, grace

fooling around! throwing people to the pool. (ang lalim kaya) lahat basa na except for me! ahahha beh!!

after sampling the videoke.. pose muna.

astig pic, drinking the night away. one bottle plang for me.

taking a dip with sisters, cousins, and pamangkin.

2008-04-07T22:16:00.002+08:00

just to share a pic taken by Dayon on his trip to Sagada.

ganda tlga.. it seems so peaceful.
at malayong malayo sa nakagisnang araw-araw.

haaaaaay... i definitely need to go back.

2008-04-06T16:47:00.003+08:00

try try if i can cross-post from blogger to multiply. hope this works.

*todo cross fingers*

2008-04-04T00:08:00.006+08:00

I know this site's not much.. but hey wont hurt, right?
yung may mga malambot (at kahit matigas din) na puso jan..
please take time to read below's plea.
a call for help..
the child is a pamangkin of a good friend.
yung may mga extra money jan..
paki nalang. :)
may it be returned to you a hundred.. heck, a million fold.

**************

My name is JOSH GERARD BIHASA SAAVEDRA. Please help me live. I was born on October 9, 2006 with Alagille Syndrome. A condition where the liver does not have enough bile ducts.As a result, the bile builds up within, and is destroying my liver.

I need a liver transplant in order for me to live. Pediatric liver transplants can be done at the Philippine General Hospital or at the Chang Gung Memorial Hospital in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, the Glen Eagles Hospitalin Singapore, or at the Queen Mary Hospital in Hong Kong at a cost ranging from P4 million to P7 million. My parents, Jo Ann and Gerardo, can’t afford such huge amounts, that’s why I appeal to your charity and compassion. Please help me raise money for my liver transplant. Any amount you can contribute will help to ensure my survival.

You can deposit your donations at any BDO branch. Account name: Josh Gerard B. Saavedra. Account number: 0470405643. You can also send your donation to our home address: Block 141, Lot 6, Phase IV Mary Cris Complex Brgy. Alang-Ilang, Gen. Trias, Cavite.

You can contact us at telephone Nos: 09185764510 and 09186579961. You may also course your donation through the LIFT-B.A.B.I.E.S. Foundation, which is assisting my family, by depositing it at any BDO branch, Account Name LIFT-B.A.B.I.E.S. Foundation, Inc., Account No. 0230-00198-7 (please inform the foundation of the amount and date it was deposited).

For further information about me, alagille syndrome and liver transplants, please call the foundation at telephone nos. (632) 824-4621, 0918-9263237 or 0918-9096680, or visit them at 32 Sto. Domingo St., Valley XI, San Antonio Valley Subd., Paranaque City. For further information about LIFT-B.A.B.I.E.S. Foundation, please visit its website at liftbabiesfoundation.org.

: )

2008-03-25T00:04:00.005+08:00

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there. Because you can't remember a time when it wasn't. But then one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize, you're happy."
-Lucas (One Three Hill)

hindi ko rin alam kung bakit..
but sometimes people choose to wallow in their sadness.
is it because we are afraid?
afraid to be finally happy,

only to lose it again.

space between

2008-03-24T23:11:00.003+08:00

Space between.
What is this void between us?
I feel this narrow space of bottomless solitude.
A single mistake can lead me to fall off the edge.
It can be my reason of death.
Falling.
And no one to catch me.
So close, yet out of reach.
A promise i cannot have.
A dream doomed to stand alone.

My Good Friday Guy

2008-03-22T03:56:00.005+08:00

i've spoken with someone interesting through ym.
i didnt expect that time would really pass by so quickly.
we finished at around past three in the morning.

I've never had a decent conversation with a same-aged (or so) Christian guy before.
he was different.
He was no saint, but he spoke about God,
and how he's guilty for sinning.
And sometimes he bargains with God, like I do.
(not sure if that was a good thing)
*chuckles*
he said he's doing something, he shouldn't be doing, but cant help but doing.
(anudaw??)
it drives me crazy just thinkin about it.
(maybe i'll ask him about it again, and get some more clues.)

He's fairly attractive,
just the right height, nice eyes, matipuno (di nya alam yung word na matipuno.. hehe)
modest.. polite.. sporty..
and he loves dogs! :)

i dont know him too well, but i can say, he's a good guy.
besides he was able to jump in my wagon of senseless thoughts.
gotta give him props for that.
*laughs*

***
sigh...
and why was i talking about him again?
Oh.. right.
i was just saying,
i think he's a good guy, and.. i'm looking forward to our next conversation.
i just hope he's not too busy.

beginning

2008-03-18T18:26:00.007+08:00

it gets easier
when you realize your worth..
when you learn you don't have to settle for less..
when you believe you deserve better.

it gets easier

when you realize that you cannot give anything you don't have.

when you finally accept that you can be loved.
when you decide to love yourself as well.

and then you start hoping again.

:)

-for joe, cams, kaye, almira, ava and me

a number of Firsts

2008-03-11T21:13:00.006+08:00

Come 8a.m.

it was my first time to check-in at the airport on my own.
it's just a domestic flight, so its not such of a big thing,
but still, a first time is a first time.

i found myself people watching again,
while trying to figure out what next step i was supposed to do.
which should i do first?
the checking-in, or the paying of the terminal fee?
where the heck is the check-in booth and the baggage counter??
(im a big wreck when it comes to these kind of things)
i forget almost everything, as if it was my first time to travel as well.

i was scolding myself as i felt my heart beating faster,
Ola, this is the third time you're going to do this,
What, Are you suddenly suffering from a bad case of amnesia??"
i was panicking a little,
Well, what if I am!!! This is my first time, alone!
san ka na ba almira... pls hurry up.
i knew i was already over-reacting..
so i calmed my nerves and found myself laying eyes on a sign board.

i saw it, finally. Cebu pacific: Puerto Princessa
"Ahh.. there it is."
there was a long line forming.
(but the flight to Kalibo was much much longer)
most of the travelers are couples.
i was a bit jealous, to be honest.
while, I.. I was the only lone backpacker.

i was already contemplating on whether to board the flight or not, just in case almira will be excessively late.
i was preparing myself for the worst.
to my relief, almira made it right on time.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..

i can smile now. :)

fast forward >>>>>>>>>>>

Highlights of our gettaway:

Butterfly Farm

first time i saw cocoons.it's a bit icky. but it's amazing to see them in groups. and I saw a lot of butterflies too! good thing they just flew over or pass me. (scared of insects).

the under ground river.

another first! although its my second time to enter a cave (my first one was in sagada), this would be my first time to explore with us in a boat. it was quite a long trip. we have to travel by land for about two hours, and then board a banka for 20mins.

limestones:

palawan is also famous for their limestones, and so we cannot pass up the chance to take a shot.

Kalui's

Fear Factor Challenge: to eat Tamiluk, a local delicacy. The main ingredient? .~' worms.'
"Almira.. do we really have to do this.. parang di ko yata kaya.."
"Ola, ang arte mo ha.. nandito na tayo eh.." She said it's a must that we try, it's part of the tour.
i heaved a sigh.. i realized, i wont be able to get out of this one..
"Kuya, chopstick pls.."
.
...
I knew we were going to regret this, the moment the waiter laid our feast of worms on the table.
it doesn't even look a bit tasty.
Almira insisted that i go first.
"bat ako..."
i didnt have enough strength to argue, so i figured i might as well go for it.
Just pick the shortest darn thing, shove it to you mouth, and swallow.
don't think about it.
dont taste it.
Just swallow.

Well, okay.. here goes..
"...Ulk.."
i tried my hardest to push it down my throat.
"...Uggghh.. cold... and slimy.. tastes like worm.... Ugghh.." i washed the after-taste with my Sprite.
Almira, was smiling like a little kid.
Grin all you like, you're next.

It was a success!!! we were able to eat a whopping 2 worms (one for each!)
*applause*

and gave the rest to manong tricycle driver.

Back to Reality

2008-03-10T16:11:00.005+08:00

just got back from an hour and so flight from Puerto Princessa Palawan.
"Aaaaahh.. back to the city..
back to my old reality.."
although i missed my girlfriends at work,
i can't stop myself from feeling down.
i can feel my body tensed
as the calming effect of the clear blue sky, and pristine waters of palawan quickly expired.
Coming back, i was reminded of the life a left 4 days ago:
waking up early (i know, i know, i'm sooooo lazy..)
filling up blockings (and its choking me to death)
another sales meeting tom (don't have anything to report)
it means..
another... dragging.... day.....
and to add weight to my misery,
i have no buck to spend for the days to follow.

if there's one worse thing in my life, it's work.
is it a crime to say,
"i hate my job."
and everyone who's tired of hearing me complain silently asks,
"then why the hell are you still staying, stop whining, and get out of that shithole."
"i can't leave.. yet.
we don't have a corporate sales rep..
i'll miss my friends.. i know i'll just be miserable without them..
i don't know where else to go, what kind of work i'll do..
or maybe i know,
but i don't know how to get there..
what if i'll make the wrong decision..
i'm scared.."
is it a bigger crime to admit,
that leaving my job
scared the living lights out of me.

2008-03-04T19:24:00.001+08:00

creating my own bucket list (things to do before i kick the bucket)
inspired by the movie.

it's still not complete yet.
making a list on my "not-on-line-journal"
will post it here as soon as i finished.

-----

ava wont be able to come with us to Palawan.
i was disappointed.
we have been waiting and dreaming of this for days and days..
and then in a snap, she's not coming.
my excitement level went from insanely excited to just plain excited.
it just won't be the same without her.

but never the less.
the trip would be just me, and my dear dear friend almira.
she has always been one of those friends i have, that i know i can never afford to lose.
and i'm thankful despite our "busy" schedules, we still have time to see each other.
i worry a lot about her these days.. (nahawa na yata ako.. hehe)
i'm a bit scared, i wont be able to cheer her up.
this is supposed to be the "forget-about-the-world-we-got-back-home" kind of trip.
so i sure don't want to mess this up.

pimp

2008-02-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

Glitter Graphics

pimp my man!!

hehe. peace tayo sami. :)

2008-02-25T12:27:00.002+08:00

Find the joy in your life.
-The Bucket List

one more week to go, and we're off to Puerto Princessa Palawan.
The Last Frontier.
i can't hardly wait to see the pristine waters, and majestic caves.
and be with two of my bestest friends, ava and almira.
But before that, of course
Jacq and I should perform first a miracle
to sell blocks of higher-rate seats departing to the land of the arabs.

well then, we'll both have to put on our harworker hats
and hope the universe conspires.

arabian nights

2008-02-23T22:44:00.007+08:00

stumbled upon a site called blingee
http://blingee.com
where people can attached cute/funny tags to their pictures.
i got the chance to play with some, and put a little bling-bling on my treasured pics
(thanks to cams, who graciously made a fool out of me and eileen)

here's a peek to my masterpieces.

mmmmmwwwaaah!!

love my GF girls!!

pia and camille in real life

kissing game, anyone?

2008-02-20T00:36:00.002+08:00

Mine to Remember
Waz

You weren't the first,
But you'll be the last, to see inside.
And something suddenly changed
Inside of me,
You tore apart

Give me half a day, just so I can say
I love you
And take it all away
And maybe you would say you miss me too

You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember

At first you said it was real
You said it felt right
Deep inside
But now you need space and time 
To get yourself right,
I'm in between

Give me half a day just so I can say
I love you
And take it all away
And maybe you would say you miss me too

You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember

Walk away, don't walk away from me
Walk away, don't walk away from me

Give me half a day just so I can say I love you
And take it all away
And maybe you would say you miss me too

You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember
You are mine to remember

Give me half a day just so I can say...
...I love you.

2008-02-19T23:41:00.001+08:00

2008-02-05T18:14:00.001+08:00

a shout out sa lahat ng nag greet sakin:

ava

marian

nikka

jani

eileen

cams

almira

pia

jacq

sir pep

sir james

ivy

donna

cons

gil

rizza

khen
jill
jm
randell
michelle
ate carol
ms. zen
cherry
yana
claudette
sam
mariciel
kuya geejay
ate gingay
kel
aie
aj
ate ianne
charm
wana
chat
tina
sami
mom
dad
kuya
ate grace
kaye
tita
travel agents

2008-02-03T15:40:00.000+08:00

bakit ganon...
sobrang gastos ko na ba talaga?
halos mag tatatlong taon nakong nagttrabaho..
pero ni isang kusing wala akong naipon.

sabi ko nga.. simple lang ang pangarap ko.
ang magkaroon ng masayang pamilya.
yung meron akong apat na anak at asawang kasama kong matutulog bawat gabi.
yung kaya kong ibigay ang pangangailangan at mga simpleng bagay na ikalulugod ng puso nila.
kahit hindi na kami mayamang mayaman. (mayaman lang, okay na.)

pero pano kaya mangyayari yun.
ni hindi ko alam kung saan at paano mag-uumpisa.

malapit na akong mag birthday..
kung pwede lang sana na paurong ang pagbibilang ng edad.

bente-kwatro.
dalawamput-apat.
twenty-four.
24 years old nako.

pakiramdam ko, hindi ko pa rin alam kung saan ko dadalhin ang mga paa ko.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

mahilig ako sa ganyan..
sa isang napakahabang at napakalalim na buntong hininga.
madali kasing gawin.
walang masyadong salita,
pero naka buod na doon ang lahat ng nararamdaman.
ang hirap kasing magpaliwanag minsan.

hindi mo alam kung may nakikinig..
o kung kung may makakaintindi.
kaya yun nalang ang ginagawa ko..
bubuntong-buntong hiniga sa tabi.
itapon nalang sa hangin ang lahat ng hinanakit..
ng pagod..
ng mga bagay na nais abutin..
ng mga salitang hindi mailabas ng labi.

kahit papaano, pakiramdam ko..
nabubuhat ng hangin ang konting bigat na nararamdaman.

*ngiti*

2008-02-01T22:06:00.000+08:00

excited nako magpalawan.

if i have a sin.
this one tops my list.
ang gumastos ng walang pera.

meron nakong ticket.
credit card ni tita ang ginamit.
3400, ang kailangan kong bayaran at the end of February.
pocket money. san ko huhugutin yun.
kakarampot lang ang sweldo ko.

kalahati napupunta sa pamasahe. at konting pagkain.
10% sa church (sana nga madagdagan ko pa ang pagbibigay.)
another 10% sa ipunan namin ni jacq.
tapos the rest, im hoping na makatulong ng konti sa gastusin sa bahay.
medyo hirap kami sa financial ngayon..
kaya medyo naguguilty ako dahil ni hindi man lang ako makatulong..

tapos aalis pako..
naguguilty ako..
pero gusto kong umalis.
i felt that i need this.
i need this to clear my mind.. to rest.. to be happy.
dahil kung hindi.
i just might break down.

haaaaaaaaaaay...
Lord.. help.

2008-01-30T21:25:00.000+08:00

Balance Inquiry [ ENTER ]

- ,- - - . 0 0

what?? that was all it?
is this all i get for 14 days of gruelling work?
the ATM machine taunted me with an answer,

yep.. that's about everything.
and do you want a receipt to go with it?

No. [ ENTER ]

I don't know why I still get shock every time.
as if one day, i'll be able to see a miracle happen before my eyes.
i guess, i never stopped hoping that it will.

i heaved a sigh.
will it ever get better?

someday..
someday i'll get my worth.

2008-01-24T20:14:00.000+08:00

"Long day at work..?"
"yup... long day.."

was it that obvious..
i checked myself in the mirror.
tired eyes.. i can see little wrinkles forming under my eyelids.
i shoved some stray hair from covering my face and tucked them in my left ear,
used my fingers as a comb, and pat an oil-blotting paper on my cheeks.

kailangan ko na nga yatang mag-stress stabs.

2008-01-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

"what the world really needs is more love and less paper work."
-Pearl Bailey

2008-01-14T22:54:00.000+08:00

bakit ganon.. pakiramdam ko,
ako yung kontrabida..
sa pagkakaalam ko.. wala naman akong ginawa..
wala naman akong dinehado..

wala rin naman akong sinisisi.
alam ko anman na walang may kasalanan sa nagyari.
tanggap ko naman ang lahat.
hindi ko rin naman ipinipilit na makibahagi pa sa mundong hindi na akin.

pero masama ba..
masama bang masaktan.
maramot na ba..
kugn naisin ko mang angkinin ang mga ala-alang noon ay amin lang.

pasesnsya ka na,
kung hindi kita kinamayan.
pasensya ka na,
kung kulang pa yung ngiting ibinigay ko.
pasensya ka na,
kung nasasaktan pa rin ako.
hindi naman ako perpekto..
hindi lang ako kasing lakas ng inaakala ninyo.

2008-01-13T02:11:00.000+08:00


IT's GOOD TO BE IN LOVE
-frou frou

I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over




You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying
about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw aways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do

Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every colour goes when you do

Happy you're in love
Happy you're in love
I'm happy you're in love

2008-01-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

why do you always have to ask the hardest questions.

i'm miserable with you.
i'm miserable without you.

---
i wanted to be yours and yours forever,
but i'm starting to feel like i'm becoming my own enemy.

you make me thread on a divided road,
one leading to your demise, one leading to mine.
either way i'm bound to lose.
so where do i go?

tell me please,
where should i go?

2008-01-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

Fine!
Fine!
Fine!
Fine!

sometimes you can be so frustrating..
you're this hard shell, i can't crack..
nakakainis ka..

2008-01-09T22:40:00.000+08:00

usual day at work..

i come in (hopefully not late)
check my e-mails.
check my bookings if already confirmed.
and do some serious dalpos (do all things possible for confirming bookings)

"Dalpo Pleeeeaaaaase, Ms. Rc. May OEC na, ready for ticketing."
*i give my biggest smile*
"Sure."

*i cross my fingers and hope the agent won't cancel*

2008-01-07T23:52:00.001+08:00

sabi sa Bible study kanina..

All things will pass..
money.. beauty.. fame..
even the people who loves you, or the people you love..
will pass.
but only the Lord, your God will stay with you for all eternity.

2008-01-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

another chit chat i think worth sharing.
itago nalang natin sila sa pangalang boy and girl.

***

boy: happy-yappy-happy-woooooooooooo! *smiles*
at least for a moment there i was happy.
and then it hit me....
boy: ano na naman drama yan ha ha ha
girl: well.. ewan.. mejo baliw ako nung time na yan..
hehehhe
boy: mga blogger talaga exhibitionist ng emotions
girl: ahahahahahah. wont hurt anyone
boy: yeah...
boy: you know I once had a blog dyan sa blogspot
girl: o ano nangyari
boy: but I kinda cancelled it
girl: why?
boy: well a friend of mine read my first entry
boy: sabi nya I sounded like I still love my first love after all these years, eh I kinda read it nga. baka may makabasa and think otherwise
girl: really.. he said that..
boy: yeah.. but what I WROTE LANG NAMAN IS HOW i MET MY FIRST LOVE
girl: sayang. hehe diko mababasa. pero oo nga bka mag create ng unwanted commotions
boy: sabi nya reading it, my use of words
parang ang lakas pa ng feelings ko daw ek ek
boy: kaya yan ang problema ng mga blogger, exhibitionist. gusto ipaalam sa mundo feelings nya
girl: hahaha
girl: well not all feelings
girl: since alam mo na may makakbasa na iba.. may mga bagay na dimo nilalagay
boy: well most of it
girl: i have one blog pero di sya open for viewing.
boy: kinda cyber diary
girl: yup.. minsan kse mas nkakapagisip pag nagtytype..
boy: but yung blog entry I kinda kept it
boy: sayang kasi
girl: penge pabasa :) para malaman natin kugn tlgang kahina hinala
boy: sige pabasa ko sayo. paki correct ng grammar. hahaha.
boy: but of cors I hide it from my girlfriend. baka magalit
girl: naku eh kung mabasa
boy: its just a short story I wrote years ago
*girl reading the blog entry*
girl: woah...
girl: haba nga..
girl: hehe..
boy: short story nga eh
girl: heheheh, teka wag ka magulo nagbabasa ako.
boy: ha ha ha
girl: 5th grade.. cute
boy: oh yeah, read it... mababaw lang yan
boy: pop goes my heart
*finishes*
girl: i guess it was the last line that sealed the "im-still-not-over-with-my-first-love" vibe.
boy: siguro.
boy: naging kami nung high school. senior, but she left me for her dreams
girl: ahh yun pla eh
boy: the usual chuva chuva, then nagkita kami nung highschool sa intramuros
boy: yung sequel medyo dark. actually painful
boy: ha ha
boy: kasi its like I keep chasing her. eventhough she love me... parang I keep losing her
boy: until... yung nga...
girl: awww.. damnit.
girl: bloggers.
boy: well you'll never forget your first...
girl: hehehe. true. true.
boy: siya buminyag sa puso mo eh
girl: first cut is the deepest..
boy: I think I still love her...
boy: in some youthful bitter sweet way, eventhough Im with my GF na
boy: and she's with someone else as well
boy: she's still embedded inside of me...
girl: hmmmm.. depends on anong klaseng love..
boy: oh yeah...
girl: siguro kse she reminds you of youth.. mas okay kse nung bata
boy: love is always subjective, suggestive, provacative, insipid
girl: laidback..
boy: of course. and care free...
boy: that love will keep us alive thing
girl: haaaaaay reminiscing..
boy: that we against the world
boy: you jump I jump thing
boy: ha ha ha
boy: so many things you can write about love
girl: sabi nga nila.. once you love, you never stop.
boy: lecheng pagibig to
girl: *chuckles*
boy: you know sometimes.. she would call....
girl: you still keep in touch?
boy: and strange may it sounds or feel.. I think we still have it... but better off hiding it...
girl: onaman.
girl: but.. you know.. i think.. its different with her.. and with your gf..
boy: siguro....
boy: its different
boy: ewan...
girl: kse maybe with her its a feeling of more calm.. more free.. kse you met her when everything is just so so simple.. i mean oo mahirap magin teen.. pero its way way hard to be an adult..
girl: mas complicated..
boy: oo naman...
girl: so i think, thats why everytime you think about her.. its reminds you of a simpler life.. its a good.. nice.. refreshing feeling..
boy: syempre parang time machine yun
girl: yeah. hehehhehe
girl: exactly.. time machine
boy: exactly
girl: magandang metaphor yan
boy: absolutely
boy: hayy...
girl: hehe.
boy: kinda miss her tuloy
girl: haaaay.. tsk tsk. tama na yan.
girl: hehe
boy: ha ha ha
girl: the past makes us who we are
girl: but the present,
girl: that's what will keep us going on.. and on.. and on.
boy: fist love will never die ek ek
girl: chuva
girl: para sakin, its more of.. true loves (no matter how many) never dies.
boy: hahaha
girl: all great love of a person's life leaves a mark. but that doesnt mean, one cannot grow with someone else or is not capable of giving greater love for the one who's willing to receive it and reciprocate it.
girl: ayun.. nagpaka-PWET (poet) na naman ako
girl: anyway.. sarap lang magpaka sensitive at times.
girl: hehe
boy: ayos yan :)
girl: an alternative from a world full of hard boiled eggs
boy: gaga
girl: hahahah
boy: pero oo nga.

*end*

kse ung the rest off-topic na.
wla lang just something to ponder on.

2008-01-01T11:31:00.000+08:00

12 Things i should have done before the year 2008 ends.

1. Learn to cook. - para naman lalong swertehen ang future hubby ko.

2. Matuto sa mga short-cut at pasikot-sikot sa mga daanan at kalsada. - kelangan yun para pag magtataxi ako, alam ko na kung san padadaanin.

3. Mag-scuba diving. - hindi ako marunong lumangoy. pero okay lang, may oxygen tank naman. :)

4. Mag-travel ulit. - either sa Cagayan De Oro, or Camiguin.

5. Makabili ng DigiCam. - san kaya ako kukuha ng pambile...

6. Get Fit. - a healthy body equals a healthy mind.

7. A better, stronger and closer relationship with God. - papakabait nako.. promise..

8. Help change someone's life. - its a great great feeling when you know someone breathes even a lil bit better because of you.

9. Try to be on time. - mahirap, pero gagawin ko.

10. Discover a new Talent. - kahit ano, basta kelangan pag may nagtanogn kugn anogn talent ko, may masasagot ako.

11. Love my work. - sabi nga nila, "Pick a job you like, and you'll never work a day in your Life." I hope i find it.

12. LOve and Be Loved. - basta yun na yun.. hehe..

2007-12-30T18:47:00.000+08:00

happy-yappy-happy-woooooooooooo! *smiles*

at least for a moment there i was happy.

mejo bad trip lang kse minigraine ako nung gabi.
di ko tuloy masyadong na-enjoy yung PhP150 t-bone na inorder ko sa steak md. (ang mahal ah!)
it's a good thing, umipekto kaagad yung chocolate na bigay ni jac at dolfenal na binili ko
and in no time, i was well and back to my old makulit self.

haaaaay.. it was a fun year-ender party
mejo sad lang kse hindi kumpleto.
pero still masaya pa rin kse dami ko nakuhang gift.
hehehe..

love you forever and ever girls!!!

2007-12-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

and then it hit me.

it's not that worth it anymore.

it was a refreshing feeling..
like waking up on the dawn of a new day.

i'm giddy to start life.
again.
:)

2007-12-24T22:35:00.000+08:00

i saw it coming.
i knew she would come.

he said he wanted to see me
and i believed him.

andaya mo..
sumira ka na naman sa usapan..
you're always the first to break team.
tapos wala na naman akong magagawa..
hindi ko pa rin makuhang magalit sayo.

****

hindi ko alam kung bakit
pero ang dami talagang tungeks na lalaki sa mundo ngayon.
pauwi nako galing megamall *salamat sami, sa pagsama*
nang may nakasabay akong dalawang lalaki.
"pare.. hindi ko mapigilan, binuksan ko agad yung gift nya.. na-excite ako eh.. pare.. ang sweet, natunaw ako. tinext ko agad, sabi ko.. i dont think i deserve this, hindi mo naman ako bf.. nakakahiya.. tapos nagreply sya, if you dont think you deserve it.. then earn it.. pare, diko na-gets.. ano ibig sabihin nun??"

nagtawanan lang sila.

tungeks.
edi ibig sabihin, manligaw ka.. woo her.. be deserving by being the guy for her.
tungeks tlga..
tsk tsk tsk.
haaaaaaays.. boys.

2007-12-21T23:02:00.000+08:00

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....
this is my first christmas that doesn't feel like it's christmas.

i did my usual christmas gift giving.
it always brighthens my mood, and gives that special ooomphff in the season.
natuwa naman sila, which is a good thing.
its a warm feeling, kahit mejo naubos tlga ang pera ko..
hahaha.
naguhong pangarap na talaga ung digicam ko..

work is stressful lately..
well what's new.
Jacq and I have to hit a target,
a seem to be impossible target.
and we're running out of time.

cross my fingers, and hope for a miracle.

(pasok ako tom, volunteer pasok, just to hit our quota, which i hope will be fruitful)
goodluck to me.

pero bakit kaya ganun..
parang iba tlga ngayon..
okay naman ako.
buhay pa.
kaya pa.
masaya naman ang karamihan,
masaya naman sila..
..hindi lang ako ganung kasaya.

2007-12-16T20:27:00.000+08:00

just got home from shopping.
ang bilis talaga umagos ng pera palabas ng bulsa..
nung isang araw lang, hawak hawak ko ang buong thirteenth month pay ko.
it's not much, pero laking tuwa ko tlga nung nailabas ko na ung pera sa atm machine.
naisip ko:
sa wakas, may pambili nako ng digi cam.
konting dagdag nalang.. okey na.
nung tumingin ako ng masuwereng mapipiling camera..
kulang.
abot hanggang dalawampung libo ang presyo.
malayo pa ang lalakbayin ng kapal ng wallet ko.

kaya ayun..
naisipan kong mamili na lang ng regalo para sa pasko.
okay naman.
hindi pa covered ang lahat pero magaganda anman ang nabili ko..
yun nga lang, parang ilang segundo lang din ang pag-impis ng wallet ko.

haaaaaays..
makapag-wrap na nga lang ng gifts!

8 days to go!

2007-12-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
we survived it.
the committee survived the night.

sabi nga namin ni cams:
never again!

ito lang yata ang christmas party na gusto kong matapos agad.
at syempre,
my christmas party wont be the same
without me receiving a disapointing exchange gift (mangkok na may takip) and raffle prize (payong).

haaaayayay!!

pero in a nutshell, it was a success.
di naman kami masyadong nagkalat..
kumanta lang naman ako.

hehehe.

you, me.. and five bucks.

2007-11-24T10:31:00.001+08:00

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

2007-11-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

i've learned to smile now..
dati kse..
may makita lang ako ng picture nila na magkasama,
i felt like my heart's being crushed into pieces.
i never thougth it could literally feel like that..
na parang nadudurog ng dahan dahan yung puso ko..
tapos tutulo nalang ang luha.
wala akong magawa eh..
wala akong karapatan na manghingi..

but that was then.

now..
i've learned to smile, and be happy for him..
napangiti ako..
because he looked so happy in one of their pictures together.
and the thought of that calmed my heart..

***

went to baron's wake, razel's loved one.
i wanted to comfort her and hug her.
i know there's nothing i can say that can make her feel better
from losing someone she deeply loves.

kahit hindi ako yung nawalan..
randam ko and sakit at hirap na dinadanas ni raze, at ng pamilya nila..
no one deserves this kind of pain..
but we all have to get through it..

maikli lang ang buhay..
ilang beses na ba nating napatunayan yun..
pero hindi pa rin natin niyayakap ang bawat araw ng pagkakataon na binibigay sa atin..

i dont want to find myself at the end of the road saying..
"i'm not ready.."
i dont want regrets for all the lost time..
for all the what ifs..
for all the memories not shared..
for all the sorrys unsaid..
for all the thankyous unheard..
and for all the iloveyous not shown..

i hope in my soul,
and i pray..
that the people close to my heart
live a life with no regrets.
a life experiencing God.
a life with hope. and faith. and trust.
and Love.

2007-11-07T20:57:00.000+08:00

i'm missing old friends...

medz.. dandan.. ivy.. kel.. nikka..
aj.. crystal..

almira.. jani.. aie.. donna.. tina..

oj..

2007-11-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

i am proud of my dad.

he has been in service for 13years.
3years as kagawad.
and 10years as a Barangay Captain.
and through all those years,
i have seen how he have grown into a wonderful person.
He became a great leader,
a compassionate friend,
a servant of God.

i am so proud of my father
and i am honored that i am called as her daughter.

2007-10-29T00:38:00.000+08:00

haaaaaaaaaaaaay..
i've never been so broke like i am right now.

i cashed out 3,600 from my atm.
that's the whole bulk of it.
my two weeks of sweat and blood.

i have to pay Marian PhP2,950 due 3oth of Oct.
great, that leaves me 650.
ate a 50 peso sandwhich at LKG,
bought myself a 150 worth of eye glasses (it's so cheap i just had to buy it, only need to change the lenses),
55 bucks for my shuttle ride home.
the next day..
borrowed a hundred from my sister.
43 bucks for my jeep and shuttle ride to work,
ate a double cheeseburger meal at mc do for 90 (starving!),
35 bucks on my way home,
shell out PhP260 for my tithes (kulang pa nga ng 100 pa dapat),
and for my guilty pleasure, 100 for my Globe load.
(-33) pa. extra money ang pang dagdag.

haaaaaaays..
need money.
Lord, help me.

2007-10-24T10:01:00.000+08:00

You Would Not Pick Your Boyfriend Again!

When you and your boyfriend first met, things were different.
And now that the initial chemistry has worn off, you're finding that he's not right for you.
As much as it hurts, you know that you need to let him go - and find someone worthy of your love.
The good news is, you can be happier. You just have to make it happen.

Would You Pick Him Again?

2007-10-24T07:50:00.000+08:00

after adding me to friendster (which i accepted),
tin sent me a message saying "hi"

is she being nice
or is she doing this to spite me?

hindi ko alam..
ayoko nang mag-isip.
ayoko nang makaramdam ng kahit anong galit..
nang inggit..
o nang sakit..
i've had more than enough of my share of pain and heartaches,
ayoko nang dagdagan pa.

i loved him, and i cannot change the reality that maybe i'll always will.
my letting go phase is long over due.
it's nearly 8 months since then.
haha.. sobrang tagal na..

but i know that i'm okay now.
i'm going to be alright.
that realization came when my nights stopped being such a torture,
and i was able to sleep with my pillow dry.
i seldom cry now (i still do sometimes but only when i miss him terribly).

my friends kept on telling me.
"ano ba ola,
siya pa rin ba, sobrang tagal na nyan ah."
*chuckles* kahit ako, natatawa nalang sa sarili ko.

hindi na sya.
he's no longer the person that i want to be with and have 5 kids with.
he's no longer the face i see myself growing old with.
hindi ko na pinipilit na gawin sya ang tao na yun.

pero mahal ko pa rin sya.
he was my squishy.
at kahit anong gawin ko,
he will always be this one person who became a big part of who i was.
he has always been my life.
and now my life is living a life of his own.

and i guess that is enough for me to be happy.. for him.
for the past years, all i do was to search a way for him to feel that happiness.

he found his way back.

now it's time for me to find my own.

2007-10-23T16:57:00.000+08:00

Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora.
it has the most fine sand i've ver laid my feet on.
we went beach hopping.
gone snorkeling, and fed the little fishies.
experience water crashing to our feet while parau sailing.
watched breath taking sunsets.
burried our feet and made sand crocs.
sunbathe.
wore braids and bikinis.
shopped pasalubongs (till we dropped).
munched on food like queens.
sipped our favorite Jonahs' shakes.
watched endless 24/7 PBB.
and
took beautiful pictures together having a blast.
Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora. Bora.

2007-10-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

my boss asked me to see him in the conference room.
syet.. may kasalanan na naman ba ko..
i closed the door and silently prayed for a life saver.
please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeaaaassse...
do not let this be my demise.

*whew*
he's approving my vacation leave.
i was waiting for this since the moment I passed my VL form
alas.
Bora, here I come!!! :)

"Ola.. i also need to talk to you about one more thing.."
there was a hesitation in his voice.
my throat felt dry, as i squinted and covered my mouth with my big notebook
"uh.. is it about my lates?..."
He chuckled..
"No, but i'll addressed that some other time.. How was your trip to crame?
Crame.
the slight thought of the place disgusts me.
it's the only place where i felt like i was treated unfairly.
it felt like they already have this notion of me being a criminal
and one little mistake could be my ticket to prison.

"Okay naman, sir.. It was quite an experience. I was a bit nervous at first, but at the end i was laughing all about it."
He chuckled again. Another hesitation..
"I hate to be the one to tell you this.. but.. you failed the exam.."
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????
I cannot believe what I've just heard.
How can I possibly fail it??
"You'll have to go there, and re-take the test.."
I looked at my boss with worried eyes.
not sure if he noticed, but i felt my eyes watering.
I shrugged it off by laughing.
How in the world did that happen...
he assured me that the management is not treating the lie detector exam as a basis of pin-pointing of who's the culprit.
but even though he kept on feeding me with comforting words,
it still feels like I was put in a man-hole
and I can't seem to find my way out.

*sigh*
great, just great.
*sigh*
itawa mo nalang.
at least, I still have my (pampalubag loob) vacation leave.

2007-10-07T15:14:00.000+08:00

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity.
You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.
Fear of failure,
fear of rejection,
sometimes the fear is just of making a decision,
because what if you're wrong?
What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost.
We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,
heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.
We have to make our own mistakes.
We have to learn our own lessons.
We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.
Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant.
That knowing is better than wondering,
that waking is better than sleeping,
and even the biggest failure,
even the worst,
beat the hell out of never trying.

-Meredith Grey "Grey's Anatomy

2007-10-05T10:36:00.000+08:00

there was still a prick in my heart.
when i read on how you longed to be with her and hold her hand,
the way she brightens your every day,
and the way she seem to make you feel complete.

maybe it hurts, because i know.. that someone is not me.
and a part of me just can't seem to accept that.
but i guess the good new is
a big part of me is happy... finally.

happy because you have fallen in love.
and you are living your life once again.
it is my hope for you to find that gift.
and i pray for you to never lose it.

you have always been my fire, j.
i have loved you from the very start.
and i'll always will.

i miss you.

2007-10-04T20:45:00.000+08:00

"hi, i think this will be my very first testimonial for you... actually i was compelled to write something really moving about you, but even the dictionary wasn't able to give me such words to describe you and your personality. i find it weird, and hard to believe that you could stare at me and never get tired, talk with me over the phone without having any specific topic at all, yet contented to spend lots of time on the phone. i can't see what's the thing about me that amazes you, and things you want to know more about me. i don't know why you want to hold me near you, i don't know what you see in my eyes... but this i know i'll do... i will never ever leave you... and this i know is true... i will always love you..."

-13March2005 12:19pm

a testimonial i got from squishy 2years ago.
God, it has been that long..

Oj has always been a big part of my life.
And he still is.
kahit hindi na kami nagkikita
or nakakapag-usap katulad ng dati.
*smile* naalala ko..
halos araw araw kaming magkasama.
kahit pagod sa trabaho..
kahit walang pera.
kung bad trip.
kung masaya.
takbuhan namin ang isat-isa.

na-miss ko yun.

ngayon, may kanya kanya na kaming mundo..
at may mga panahon pa rin na hindi ko mapigilan
isipin kung kamusta na siya..

He has always been my baby.
i never called him that before
but he was.
i was always protective of him.
tnanong nya sa testi nya kung anong nakita ko sa kanya..
and this is what i saw..
i saw "HIM"
a little boy yearning for love.
not every one may understand him.
and he may be hard to crack..
but behind his great big wall, i saw a little child.
who was just afraid..
who was alone..
who needed someone to comfort him and be there for him.
Me?
well, i just know that i was led there for a reason.
so i took him in,
with open arms.

there were no regrets.

2007-10-02T21:39:00.000+08:00

i have been very blessed with friends and family.

narealize ko.. ang malas ko talaga, pagdating sa love life.
lahat puro tagilid.
pero pagdating sa kaibigan at pamilya,
para akong nanalo sa lotto.

ganun siguro tlga.
hindi pwedeng lahat na sayo.
(pagbigyan naman daw yung iba)

haaaaay kaya kung minsan..
kung broken hearted.
itawa nalang.
lumabas.
kumain.
makipag kwentuhan sa mga kaibigan, kapatid, nanay, tatay, pinsan.

akala mo katapusan na ng mundo.
pero hindi pala.
may iba pang mga tao na dapat mo ring pasalamatan
na dapat ring ipagdiwang dahil nandyan sila sa buhay mo.

2007-10-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

wag ka nang umiyak
sa mundong pabago bago
pag-ibig ko ay totoo
ako ang iyong bangka
kung magalit man ang alon ng panahon
sabay tayong aahon

kung wala ka nang maintindihan
kung wala ka nang makapitan
kumapit ka sa akin
kapit ka sa akin
hindi kita bibitawan

wag ka nang umiyak
mahaba man ang araw
uuwi ka sa yakap ko
wag mo nang damdamin
kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
at kung pakiramdam mo
ay wala ka nang kakampi
isipin mo ako
dahil puso't isip ko'y na sa 'yong tabi

-sugarfree

2007-09-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

i felt the Lord's arms embracing me..
my eyes welled up as i realized,
God has always been present in my life.
i kept on running after things, or searching for an event that will change my every day.
i want peace..
i want contentment..
i want my heart to jump in exuberating joy.
and then i felt Him saying..
"here i am..."

2007-09-29T20:10:00.000+08:00

just watched "My Bestfriend's Wedding" an all-time favorite chick flick.

ever loved someone so bad, but then you recognized that you just have to let go and give up?
"i woke up and i realized, that the world is just as it should be."
a line from the movie.

iyon dapat ang mangyari.
ito dapat ang mangyari.
the beautiful world will go on,
whether or not the love we have given is reciprocated.
and that's just how it is.

2007-09-22T01:14:00.000+08:00

"As alwys u bring out d best in evrybdy. I
hav nver found anyone els so charmng &
encompassng as u are. Ur evrthing that I
evr wantd and evn mor. I remembr
blissflly d way ur eyes sparkle & shine
lyk ur alwys seein me for d first tym, d
way u let out a contagious laugh wen I
tell a joke, d way u do thngs my way, d
way ur hands alwys find its way to my
hands, d way ur breath lingers in my
ear, d way u brush my hair w/ur fingers,
d way ur lips fits perfectly into mine, d
way u will alwys b you, and I will alwys
be me wen were together, d way the
sun alwys seem to shine wen Im w/
you, and d way the rainy days bcom
bearable bcoz of u, d way ur voice
bcoms d song in my heart, and ur touch
d healing stroke of heaven on earth, d
way you make me want to be better,
and see more of what life has to offer
with you by my side.
With all my heart, I shout with might. I
love you. i love you.
I am crazy in love w/ you.
And theres no turnin back. U will hav
my heart as long as you wud want me
to."

-14January2005

i was re-living again our memories.
or i guess, my memories of him.
siguro hindi nya na ako naiisip.
i still can't help but to check on him from time to time.
ang hirap kse pag nakasanayan mo na.

i was re-reading some of my testimonials for him at friendster.
i was so inlove.. *smiles*

i have no regrets in loving him.
kse alam ko kahit papano..
napasaya ko rin sya.

2007-09-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

"sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po."

***

kabado ako sobra nung pagpasok ko sa room.
ineexpect ko na ang makikita ko:
madilim at may isang nakasinding bumbilya na nakasabit lang
tapos may dalawang mamang pulis, na kapwa nag-aabang sa akin.
isang naninigarilyo, at isang may hawak na baril.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*

first time kong magpapa lie detector test.
inihanda ko na ang sarili sa pagbukas ko ng pinto.

"pumasok ka na sa loob." sabi sakin ng babaeng pulis.

hmpf, ang sunget.

lumuwag ang hinga ko nang makita kong maliwanag naman pla sa loob.
*buntong hininga*
white light.
at isa lang ang pulis.
may isang silya, roon na namukud tangi.
sa totoo lang mukha syang electric chair.
kulay brown.
may sandalan at arm rest din na malapad.
sa tabing kanan nito ang polygraph machine.

Diz iz it.

****

relax lang.
wag hihinga ng malalim.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
wag pag lalaruan o kakagatin ang bibig.
wag lulunok.
wag igagalaw ang kamay, ang paa.
wag lilingon, wag iikot ang tingin.
tumingin lang ng diretso, eye level.

sumagot lang ng opo, hindi po, o ng wala po.

hindi na kailangang tumungo, pag sumagot ng opo.
hindi na kailangang umiling, pag sumagot ng hindi po.

makinig ng mabuti sa mga tanong.
normal lang ang pag hinga.
relax.

Relax?
mahirap yatang mag-relax habang sinasabihan ka ng mga katagang ganun.
habang kinakalma ang sarili.
habang iniisip mo kung paano hindi masyadong lumunok.
at kung paano panonormalin ang paghinga.
sakto, pasmado pa ako.

ang hirap nito.
think happy thoughts.

***

mga apat na beses nilang inulit yung set ng mga tanong.
kaya pla ganun yung mga napapanood ko sa tv.
lahat seryoso.
hindi maka-ngisi.
hindi maka-basag pinggan.
lahat takot na baka maapektuhan ang resulta ng test.

gusto ko sanang magpapicture.
habang kumpletong nakakabit sa akin ang lahat ng aparato para sa test.
kaya lang, pinapatay ni ateng pulis yung cellphone ko.

sayang.

2007-09-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

nabasa ko na naman ang mga sulat ni nikka.
nkakatuwa talaga sya.
nakaka-engganyo magkwento.
pakiramdam ko, parang nasa harap ko lang siya at sinasabi ang bawat yugto ng buhay nya.
nakakatuwa.
nakaka-miss.
nkakainggit.

sabi nga nya,
and to quote her:
"kung gusto, magagawan ng paraan iyan. Hindi ko pa lang alam kung anong diskarte ang gagawin ko."

pagdating kse sa diskarte, hirap ako.
ang hirap mag decide.
mahirap aksyonan yung mga bagay na pinagdesisyonan mo,
lalo na kung takot kang malaman ang resulta.

2007-09-16T14:36:00.000+08:00

yun naman o..
para sayo.

:)

uwi ka na.

2007-09-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

sabi nga ng isang kakilala ko,
"kung baga sa paglalakad.. makakarating din tayo sa pupuntahan natin.
may mga bagay na hindi kailangang madaliin.."
hehe..
sa totoo lang medyo nahirapan ako dun.
yun kase ang problema sakin,
sugod agad.

padalos dalos,
kaya ayun laging sumusubsob.

pero tama sya dun..
hindi lahat nadadaan sa mabilisan.
hindi lahat pinipilit mahinog.
may mga bagay na may tamang oras

perfect timing.
tamang pagkakataon.

2007-09-07T20:07:00.000+08:00

when does one stops caring?

i was doing a fairly well job on moving forward with my life.
i have my family, i have my friends.
although i lost him, i've learned to accept our fate.
there are just things in life that are not meant to be.
sometimes you just have to learn to let go.

but when does one really stops caring?
does it ever end?
or do you just go on pretending you don't care,
but inside you worry,
too much that it hurts so bad.

***

ilang beses ko na bang sinabi na ayoko na.
makailang beses na siguro..

pero hindi pa rin madala.
hindi ko pa rin maialis yung pakiramdam ng pag-aalala,
na gusto kong maging okay sya.

2007-09-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

Had super fun when we were in ilocos!
we ate the famous egado and ilocos longganisa and empanada.
yum!
frolicked along the beach of pagudpod.
seen magnificent old churches,
experienced the windmills,
went on top of the lighthouse and viewed the world.

i love you girls!
mmwah!

2007-08-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

"long hair is prettier for you."

it's been almost a year since i last heard that.
guess i miss that.
having someone you'd need to ask preference from.

*sigh*

2007-08-08T19:56:00.000+08:00

magkukulot muna ko.
na-miss ko na to.
yung parang hawak ko lahat ng oras ko.
nung mga araw na may panahon pako sa mga tulad nito.

its'a been a month since i've been with the sales team.
kailangan ko nang mag-bear brand.. *kapagod*
(yung mga naka-gets nung joke, tumawa nalang)

naiyak ako nung isang araw sa pagod.
alam ko, i was such a girl for even crying,
but it hit me.
i felt alone, and tired, and restless.
and there's no one i can turn to.

ang drama..
ika nga ng isang kakilala ko.
ang drama ko.
ang drama ko daw?
ehhhh.. wla akong pakialam.
masarap magdrama eh.. hehe.

dlawang tao lang ang nagsabi sakin nun.
si oj at yung kakilala kong yun.

usually pag sinasabi sakin ni oj yun.
nagpapantig ang tenga ko.
dahil hindi pag-ddrama ang pag-express ng nararamdaman.
pero nung narining ko ulit sa iba
yun ba, madrama ba tlga?

hehe. lalake kse kayo.

2007-07-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

bicol express

2007-07-08T20:45:00.000+08:00

i remember back in gradeschool when our teachers used to bring us to the library and let us borrow one book and read it for a week.
each of us would come running to the nearest table where the librarians scattered all types of readables for kids.
comic books, adventure books, sweet valley kids, fairy tales..
of course, i would always lay my hands on the big bulky ones, where i can read as much as i want in just one book.
i would have a big smile plastered on my face and from then on count the hours till i have to go home and read my treasure.

* * *

i've stumbled upon a story book when i was sleeping over at a friend's house.
she has this outsized book compiled with different children stories.
i smiled at the sight of it.
i've always wanted to have one when i was young, hopeful, and imaginative.

i browsed through it, and came across with The Velveteen Rabbit by McCarthy Cybrary.

here's a peek of the story:

THERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.

There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges and a toy engine, and chocolate almonds and a clockwork mouse, but the Rabbit was quite the best of all.

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

* * *

Isn't that wonderful?
To feel Real.
to have someone see you as you are.
to have someone see you beyond your tattered fur and worn-out seams.
To be Real.
is to feel every thing.
to experience it all.
joy. love. loneliness. pain.
and then it would all be worth it.
because you know
you've done it all.
and you were Real.

2007-07-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

there was still this inkling of pain when i talked to him.

after such a long time (months), i still feel the way i feel for him when i last saw his face.

we can't even have a decent conversation.

its either him being a jerk, or me being a lovesick puppy waiting for him to take me back.

but i do miss him.

so.

much.

****

In-House Sales Executive

what have i gotten myself into?

i don't even know if this is the right niche for me.

but i plunged.

and here i am.

i miss my ops mates.

*sigh*

2007-06-17T21:33:00.000+08:00

happy father's day!
ate dinner at a shabu-shabu resto at moa awhile ago with my family.
sip a lot of miso soup,
and drank 3 glasses of red iced tea (had to make the best out of it, bottomless eh)

we decided to go straight to trinoma after.
went picture taking.

nearly rubbed elbows with diether ocampo, jake cuenca, and roxanne guinoo
at an elevator.
diet's cute. (great thing he's not so bulky in person)

bought a new globe simcard.
i got it for 50bucks.
with free 50php load, and 50 free texts.
bargain!

***

i stumbled upon twitter.com
how?
well, i followed my stupid heart again..
and there it was.
staring straight at me.

bang.

bang-bang-bang.

it's like gunshots through a puffy pillow.
no noise.
just pain.

no one heard it,
or felt it..
but me.

2007-06-16T10:11:00.000+08:00

found two interesting job positions at jobstreet.

journalist copywriter
employee relations associate

sent my resume to both, and hope for a miracle
if a change in career will change my life
then so be it.

i've always wanted to write.
altough, many times i fail to deliver.
i didn't do anything about my passion in writing
because i felt i wasn't good enough.
so i settled on blogs.
on life journals.
on unsent letters.
on phrases stucked on my mind..
and sometimes forgotten.

i have tons of books i never did get to finish.
notebooks, with the only first page used, and the rest left blank.
i have thoughts, phrases, paragraphs, but never a story.
i'm sort of famous for that.
starting something, and not finishing it.
it began as a habit.
and now it became, me.

***

but i do love writing.
it connects me to my soul,
and bridges me to the people i love.

kept me sane.
it kept me sane.

2007-06-02T00:55:00.000+08:00

it's been nearly three months since we've been apart.
a month of it with no communication (text, call, or meet-ups) at all
i am missing him terribly but i can't do anything about it.
because if i did, if i dare lift a hand and call him
or open my lips and say "i need you to come back.."
it'll hurt more.

am i doing the right thing..
or am i giving up on the one thing that felt so real to me.

i waited for him for almost over two years.
i guess the waiting has to end one way or another.

2007-05-29T16:14:00.000+08:00

it was a fun day.
it was, it really was.

at long last, the gettaway we've been meaning to experience.
the vacay that we all deserve.
although our dear friend pepe missed it.
it would've been such a blast.

that almost two day trip was worth every puyat sessions.
we got to take our loads off from work, stress..
and our exisiting and non-exisiting love problems..

the place was in anilao batangas, known for its amazing diving spots.
of course, due to financial matters, our goal was not to dive
swim swim lang, pwede na.

to put the weekend in a nutshell,
it was fun.
it was, it really was.

can't wait for the next gettaway.
hope the quezon trip is still included in our plans.

2007-05-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

bitter act.

nadale na naman ako ng singkit.

i had an itty bitty crush on one of my shuttle buddies.
he's the usual, charming.. funny.. a gentleman.
..and smells good.

until one day, i found him sitting with a girlfriend.
another chinky eyed girlfriend.

***

i still miss him.

and i still punish myself sometimes
by staring through his pictures.. our pictures.
they were fun moments.
*chuckles*

i wonder if he misses me..

(sigh)
does it matter..

`~ ,

*blow kisses and imaginary hugs*

he was my sunshine..